A New Gym in Town.

Together with family and friends, my nephew now just started a fitness center.
In the past, we called them health clubs, and I rather liked the idea of going to a health club, I certainly liked it a lot more than the idea of entering a fitness center. There is something overly ambitious about a fitness center, something I can't quite feel comfortable with.
To put it bluntly: my body was not meant for display in revealing lycra. My body has been through decades of hard work and three pregnancies. Age and gravity have had an impact as well.
I no longer feel comfortable jumping and do sqats, certainly not in public. My body lands long before I intend, and keeps bouncing long after I make a new move, much like a dog shaking off water in slow motion.

A few years ago my nephew suddenly became sporty and fit. He didn't just pick up jogging or go for a ride on his bike. No, it was like a determinated force driving him to enter competitions like "strongman" and "triathlon" and other extreme competitions. He and his wife, along with the rest of her family, and friends, got so involved with this new lifestyle that they wanted a fitness center that had every workout option all the other gyms had combined, plus everything they felt they missed in other gyms. Now they got that. They do not have is a mezzanine with a runway, but that's not that common here in Norway anyway. We, Norwegians, run outdoors, using nature for challenge... or a treadmill.

I have great expectations my aging body will benefit from this. However, I do not expect to become fit, firm and fabulous, but it would be nice to go on regular basis, just to slow down the inevitable decay my age and diet cause on my body. On that note, I also feel I should give the impression I try to get ready for spring and milder climate, hence less clothes on my body.

I read a headline the other day: "No thanks to New Year's Eve. Get started with a healthier diet and more exercise now!" I think they put it so accurate and great, because new year's resolutions do not work for me.
And, yes, I think it's boring to run. Sorry, but I'm very outdated that way; I don't ride my bike to work, even though it's "only" 13 km, and I do not exercise in wild and fancy garments so expensive you have no other option but to use them all the time, and soon you wear them to the grocery store and make others feel guilty for buying steak and not lean fish or vegetables, just because you look like an impudently surplus of energy.

But now, now Level Up Treningssenter AS is established, and they are open for membership and they have Bodybalance!

An old friend and I sat down on opening day and had a cup of coffee. We did not try out any of the work out machines, but we had a look, and decided that we should also be able to do this. Just because we are past our youth doesn't mean we are ready to pack it in. The 40s is the new 30s, some say, but we need to make an effort to stall. An effort based on more than great tips about good foot creams, silk spray and tiger balm.

In the past I have tried most; Jazzerzise, ​​Zumba, Pilates, Weights, Jogging, Swimming ... But my hips are not entirely Latin, and all the aggressive, loud shout outs from the instructors make me so stressed out that I forget in which order I am to jump left or back and I cause a lot of chaos in the lines and involuntary outbursts of laughing. Instructors do not like that, at all.
But this time I found Bodybalance on the schedule, and it just hit me that this is it!

Now, Bodybalance does not promise calorie burn, better fitness or better mobility, but it promises to reduce stress levels and make me concentrated and calm. I do not really need to be calmer, because my girlfriend sometimes pulses me, just to check that I'm still alive and kicking, but I can clearly stress less.
I just hope it will not be difficult to help me up off the floor, that would have been a bit boring, in a room full of conversations. I hope I will not be the only "old person" there.

Body Balance is Yoga, Tai Chi and Pilates at once, and with carefully selected motion combinations, you'll exercise strength, balance and mobility, and while struggling to fold yourself while standing on one foot you'll hear beautiful and customized music. I am very fond of music!
All in all, this will give you a physical workout and inner balance and harmony, and it suits ALL! Therefore me included!

My goal is that I will be able to continue to tie my shoelaces without having to sit on a chair or heave for breath. I think that's a fair goal.
In spite of age and size, I now have a young hope of having a beautiful interior in full harmony and a smoother outer .... in new premises.

CONGRATULATIONS WITH THE OPENING OF THE NEW GYM!

Why You Should Live By The Sea

Yes, I should, but I don't want to. I need to, though.

Imagine what could have been, if only...
What if I could get up in the morning, rise and shine, and feel like exercising?
Some people actually do, you know. Some people have made it a habit to gain energy, good spirits and vitality through the sacrifice of knowingly giving up a generous sleep in, almost every day.

They get up and hit the gym, or the swimmingpool, before work. They ride their bicycle to work every day, regardless of weather. Some have lunchbreaks long enough to work out at a nearby gym.
(That one I am excused from, my lunch is 25 minutes long. It would have been ridiculous to get there, get changed, work out, shower, get dressed and get back to work in 25 minutes. Not sure even Superman could have done that. My superpowers are being a mom and teaching, not speed.)

I so admire the stamina they show being persistent about staying, or getting, in shape. I wish I had self dicipline enough to get those muscles working, to push myself to the limit of gasping for air, make the pulse pound so fast and so hard I can feel it.

In spite of the apparent sacrifices, they gain the admiration of others, for being totally selfish and they don't have to go through the looks unfit people get from others, you know, the look which says: wow, how some people let themselves go is really impressive and totally impossible to phathom. Besides it's beyond unattractive.

Some say keeping up working out is not at all hard in summer, because the entire getting to location and just "be" in the present is lovely and an adventure in itself. That is when you really feel life going on here and now.

However, when its cold and wet, you just want to stay where it's warm and cuddly and nice and well, just not get up. You are perfectly fine where you are: In bed.
Problem is: you don't work up a sixpack and firm upper arms while resting.

I've talked about it for some time. Now that my youngest is so independent and responsible (he is VERY responsible. I have no idea where he got that character from), I should start bicycling to work. At least some days a week. It's only 13 kilometres, and lots of people do it every day.

I like to think I am just like any other deadly person, I can do same thing most others do, but... I was all set and mentally ready to bicycle to work.... then I woke up and it was raining; I chickened out.
I know many don't blame me, because bicycling in the rain, getting wet and tired and cold is really no fun. On the other hand: when you are wet through you can't get any wetter, and I will change into dry clothes ones I get there...

I don't know why I find it such an effort. I mean, I know I am spoiled rotten driving my own car to work. I don't have to take the bus or train or anything. I have done it for so many years, I guess I should be content having had such an easy travel to work for so many years...
but its miserable to wait for the bus or run from the busstop, carrying a heavy bag, when it raining.

It's no fun when it is windy cold and wet. It is temporarily uncomfortable, but as long as you are moving you stay warm, so it really isn't all that bad.

And, again: I live in Norway. If rain stops me, I really won't get anywhere

Autumn is knocking on the door, and in all honesty I don't mind the seasons. They all have their own charme. I love the colours, I love all the underestimated pleasures autumn gives me. What I do mind is all the excuses the season offers.

I am too old to make excuses. I need to think about all the years I was left happy not making any effort to stay fit, then I had all the years when I should have made an effort, but had a lot of good reasons not to. Now the time has come to pay for the break.

For 30 years my body looked quite ok. For the last 15 years, life has given me scars and marks which tell the story of my life. I am not that old yet... but will be soon. 

I should be able to find time to stay fit and healthy... maybe lose a few pounds... or many.
I should become better, you know? make an effort to become the best version of myself. 
Funny how I know this, and still don't set my mind on sticking to it.

I could, of course, choose the easy way out and get some surgery done to enhance my appearance, but to me it somehow feels like cheating, 
My body should reflect my life and my lifestyle, so to workout should be just as natural to me as to eat healthy, if I am concerned enough to spend time thinking about it. Not proud of the fact that I do, but I do. 
Guess I am more vain than I like to give myself credit for.

There is always time to make changes, to exercise and eat better. The process of preparing for a surgery is time consuming and quite straining. A lot must be in place before you go under the knife. You could just keep up the work and get results on your own.

Liposuction doesn't give you a healthier lifestyle, it only gives you a break from the lifestyle you have acquired over time. 
To me it would be like cheating. BUT, I do see the need if you have proper medical problem that requires it, and you need a wake up call and a jump start.

For many years I was so bothered by my friends who took gastro bypass surgeries done. I realise now how they affected me, actually, I haven't really understood untill now how much it bothered me.

Imagine how proud of myself I would feel if I achieve all that naturally. Without the talking and commenting on what to eat, what not to eat, what to wear, which nips and tucs must be done due to losing too much weight too fast.
But I have to admit I am impatient, and lack selfdicipline. Terrible combination, but it's true.

I should add pride to my list on pros and cons. I should become more proud.

It's good to have goals, and what I am at right now is to design a possible plan for thinking about maybe getting started being more set for a goal.
Every journey starts with a small step

Getting started is the hardest part, simply because I am a procrastinator by nature, I have to fight that. And I know I am stupid not to take on the challenge. The only person to lose is me, if I don't fight my flaws.

You know.... I really don't give myself an easy way out here. What I do is actually telling the entire world I need a change, I know this and I am an idiot if I don't do anything about it.

Did I want an easy way out? My "here-and-now" does. My "here-and-now" so wants an easy way out, but my shopping for a dress for christmas wants the harder way.
My self esteem in wait, wants to wear that really stark blue dress with bold pride knowing that I didn't cheat.
Oh, I Would be so stuck up nose about it, I would be unbearable to be around for months and months on. Telling everybody I could now climb stairs with more ease and all that.

Hmmmm. getting to brag and be totally entitled to... there is an incentive worth paying some thought to.

Eating markers.

I still eat markers.
No, I don't have one of those odd urges which makes me eat highlighters or anything. I eat markers as in foods; snacks or candy which shows me how much of my food I have disgorged.

For 25 years it has to some extent cast a shadow, a curse even, on me, my life and my body.

If I knew how hard it would be to write down this confession, would I do it again? I don't know. I sit here, curled up inside, in shame, while I continue to write my compunction and abashment.

Strange how I feel this way in spite of it began so unintentionaly. I didn't have problems with my weight or body. I didn't have low self esteem due to my appearance: I was healthy, strong, slim, young... Any garment looked good on me, because I wore them with confidence.

Even when my friend told me I was gaining weight, she could tell, because I had gotten dimples on my knees, I laughed it off. That's how confident I was in myself.

When I was 20 I would experience occasional involuntary throwing up. I thought perhaps I was sick, but as it increased, and it would happen more and more often I went to see a doctor, worried something more serious was wrong with me.

I went through every test in the book, and then some. My doctor sent me to one specialist after another to find out what caused it. Maybe he was just humoring me, sending me off to another specialist to shut me up, because he would say: "You have an eating disorder. There is nothing physically wrong with you, it must be of psychological reasons". And I strongly refused, saying I had no problems which would cause that kind of troubles.
And he would weigh me in and raise his eyebrows.

One week I had gained 5 kilos, the next one another 4... then I would lose 8 kilos the next.
My weight went up and down like a jojo, varying from 55 kilos to as much as 90.
Keeping three sizes in your wardrobe is perhaps not the most normal thing to do, but to me it was how it was.

There was no internet, encyclopedias weren't updated on the matter, and though it didn't start out as an eating disorder, my condition developed into one.
I needed some sort of control, and it's funny how the tricks I learned myself, are now the most common signs to look for when suspecting someone is having an unhealthy view on food and their body. (I guess that means I found out a clever and sensible way to deal with it... from a sick point of view.)

I know exactly what to eat, and how to eat it, to disengage effortlessly.
Mind you: I never stuck my fingers down my throat, or used any other means, to make me retch.
I just decided it would feel better if I emptied my stomach, so I did. Very controlled, no fuss, no hurry. I have great control of the muscles in my stomach and can still throw up just by will.

It didn't take me long to control the food expences, it didn't take me long to learn how to hide the smell from my breath. All in all I didn't think of it as such a big problem. When I was slim I looked great, when I was fat i knew I would bounce back into sexy shape in no time. No hassle.

Not untill my dentist started to charge me sky high fees, and told me something odd was going on, because I had cavities under even fairly new fillings.

Then I got pregnant, and 4.5 months into my pregnancy I got these pains, like phantom pains in my stomach and my appendix was removed one night,
I woke up from the anaesthesia, and I was still in pain, but they told me I was making it up: My appendix had been fine, and pregnancy was all well. They blamed it on my eating disorder and the psychological state which had brought the condition upon me.

One of the specialists in x-rays was a friend of my father. He had heard I was in a bad shape, and pregnant, so the next night, when he had little to do, he woke me up, took me by the hand and we walked down to his ward.

He did an ultrasound on me then, and his findings were life changing to me:
I had no infection, but my gall bladder was almost bursting with the amount and sizes of the gallstones.

They all apologized, telling me how unexpected and uncommon it was for a young person, such as me, to have that. Suddenly I had no eating disorder anymore, I was suffering from symptoms of a physical disorder.
I was sceduled for a surgery a year later.

Suddenly I had no medical backup anymore. Suddenly I had no psychological challenges. Now there was an explanation to my weight issues, and it was like as if it was already fixed.

It wasn't. Now I turned worried, and ate even more to make sure the baby got the nutritient it needed, and my weight changed faster, and more, than ever.
It took me years to get a balanced and healthy view on food.
And to do that I had to accept being over weight. Sounds strange, but that was what it took for me to get peace of mind.
The chemistry in my body is a mess and not functioning right.

For 15 years I have been over weight. 1/3 of my life, and enough is enough. I am ready to take the next step.

Financially it has cost me a lot. At times I have cut back on every expence, just to spend as much as possible on food.
Dentist bills have been astronomical. Still are cause my teeth now crack and fall out in pieces. You can't tell by my smile, but they do. I have to be careful where I chew, and what I chew.

Buying clothes which fit has become quite an obsession, almost as bad as my shoe purchases. (Maybe that's why I like shoes so much, because they always fit, no matter my size.)

I never buy clothes in a store. I hate it when the helpful, smart and smiling, young staff come over to tell me how great I will look in this or that in those colours.
Almost all my clothes are grey or black.

I hate to see great garments on the online stores, knowing I can't wear it because it will reveal too much, or I will be too noticable. I cling to my previous love for cut and fabric by having a somewhat black and grey chic punk style. And people call me eccentric for it. Not even realizing I AM eccentric, but for other reasons.

I find it quite a paradox, you know, knowing I now hate pictures of me. I avoid being taken pictures of, and get quite upset when I find out somebody did. When I see a picture of me I examine my double chin, the shape of my body, my "love handle" of excess skin, and I get upset.
All the normal and perfect imperfections everybody has, is to me a reason to hide. And admitting to this is quite surprising to me, as I find all people, regardless their shape, color and style, beautiful.

I hate doing any kind of physical activity because I know I am too heavy. And I know my kids at some level are missing out on things I would love for them to experience.

But now I have come to a point in life when I have to take a grip and make a few changes, more than a few: many! I need to become good enough again. Being like this is too exhausting. Because, after all, I am not sick anymore... I just still eat markers.

The Internet: My Oracle

The internet is a true blessing, and a very scary thing. Anything can be found there: you want proof the moon is in fact a cheese, you just go online and you find facts and videos to support your agenda.

When I have a lot to do, or perhaps a lot on my mind, I can spend hours procrastinating; surfing the net and entertain myself with an endless series of photos and videos of science experiments, babies and cats and horses... dogs even. Quotes, ads and sponsored suggestions are placed a strategical easy click away. More and more often I find pages too fancy and eventful; it takes forever to upload them. When I come across sites like that I find a hidden, strange kind of pleasure in avoiding them in the future. Yeah, that's the kind of brainless sports you can do online.

I have felt very poorly for quite a few months now, even more than usual, that is. I have blamed work, drama in my life and in my circles and a tight schedule. But somehow my general condition has not made any sense. There hasn't been any logic to my state of wretchedness which hovers over my everyday. I'm not sick or anything, I just feel, well, wretched. All the time!

Last night, in an attempt to ease my discomfort, I went outside and sat on my front door steps; It was freezing cold, for the first time this winter, and it felt lovely... for a second, untill I broke a sweat and feared I would freeze stuck on the landing.

I can't keep feeling like this, I know. I have known for quite some time, but after blaming life in general, last resort is to blame menopause. I still wish it is a few years away, but it could be happening right now: this may be the actual months I am turning old! Maybe I should celebrate? Mourne?

Anyway. I Googled menopause, but it didn't quite fit. There were a few symptoms I just don't recognize. I won't bore you with the details on that... not untill 15 years or so from now, anyway.

Then I came up with this brilliant idea to type in my symptoms and see what came out of it.

I sat there, in front of my laptop, with my fingers ready to type down any symptom I could come up with. I was thinking the more symptoms the more accurate hit.

Symptoms I added were:

• Strong cravings for sugar (especially right after meals, even though I am full; I just really want that last taste, and that has to be the taste of sweetness). 
• Uneasiness and restlessness in my body (shiverings, diffuse discomfort). 
• Headaches. 
• Giddiness. 
• Exaggerated breathing, almost like walking up a hill (sometimes it's even tough to complete a sentence without an extra breath of air, and singing is hard). 
• Palpitation (I can feel every beat, and some times even how my heart skip a beat). 
• Unable to consentrate. 
• Sleeplessness. 
• Spinelessness. 
• Sadness. 
• Irritability and touchiness 
• Confusion (probably because I can't find myself able to focus). 
• Weight issues. 

In all honesty I didn't use quite as many words. I kept it short and to the point. I wrote down every uncomfortable feeling I could come up with. What scared me, is that the internet came up with many hits, but only one suggestion to what it might be: Reactive Hypoglycemia.

I read all the articles and felt more and more sorry for myself. Words like "rare", "diet", "severe", "treatment" and a few other ones jumping out of the texts started to make sense to me, and I started feeling like a sick person.

And I felt lucky I had only a few of the symptoms, because I would have been devastated if I in addition had feelings and symptoms like anxiety, depression, wave of sobs, cramps, antisocial behaviour, constipation, hunger and thoughts about suicide.

I have felt like all of them, but one. I have never, ever considered or thought about suicide. Well, I have thought about it, just not thought about it as something which conserned me. We all knew someone who comitted suicide, I presume, and it is natural to make up ones mind about it.

Anyway, I have had moments when I, weak as a kitten, found myself curled up on the bathroom floor, calling for my kids to help me and get me a glass of water... just because I just couldn't get up from the floor, but I have always thought "it will pass", which it does because I have no other option, and after a few brief moments I am again able to pull myself together and get up and get going.

Those fits are really unpleasant; they resemble the fits of hypoglycemia I had as a teenager. Back in those days the doctor made housecalls, and I remember Dr. Natvik would come and give me shots in my arm, and tell me to slow down and get some sleep.

Back then my entire body felt like jelly, and I lost control and struggled like a car with a small engine on a steep uphill road. I would shiver and feel very cold, and then very hot and break a sweat the next second.

I don't like this one bit. Just a couple of months ago I had my cancer tests done. I haven't heard anything from the lab or my doctor, which is good. I would have been contacted if there was any sign of cancer. I know the drill, they did last time.

Now I have to go back to the doctor and tell her I think I might be sick or something, because I don't really feel well, and I am not quite sure I am old enough to crumble like this, just yet, for no particular reason at all.

And she will size me up and tell me to change my diet and lose weight and get in shape... again. And I will think to myself: I am in shape... which is round. And I will leave the doctor's office thinking it has nothing to do with the surgery I had 20 years ago removing my choleic system, it's not that I'm overweight or don't wind down enough.

I'll go home and log back on to my online wizard, the internet oracle, and find answers that are more to my liking... and of course: cures.