Letting myself down is tough.

I have become who I definitely would never be. It is so annoying. Not only have I turned out to be someone I dislike, I also failed to mould myself into a perfect triumph. You know, maybe not perfect, but perfect for.... well, me.

There was this plan, in my head I would be different from what I was forced by circumstances to be when I was young.

As an adult I would be bold, wild, vast and free, and because I had the choice to be all that, I would be happy with where I at all times were.

That is not at all how I turned out to be. Maybe I was before, maybe I'll be again, but right now I am just discontent and ungrateful. Oh, I felt my eyes twitching right now.

I sulk over whatever I find unpleasant in my life. I accept being a pathetic shadow of who I deep down believe I am.

In spite of knowing this I don't deal with my present, I ignore my hidden resources. I don't ignore and raise above the trifle hickups which serve as pebbles in my shoes. I don't face up to, or do anything constructive to make me capable to gather enough energy to turn my grumpyness around.

The sad part of it all is that to blame everything and everybody other than myself is like an instinct in me when I am frustrated. My best defence and excuse is to acquit myself.

Of course I know that at the end of the day my discontent is nobody else's fault but my own, but I don't like to recognize my own failures. Maybe I have too many, maybe I would be overwhelmed by my shortcomings, maybe I just happen to like living in a bubble of artificial selfconfidence: "It's not me, it's you!"

I would have to do some admissions and introspections to change my mood and point of view, which I'm not ready to do, yet.

Instead of admitting to I should show more engagement, initiative and interest, I wrap myself in self pity and rest my case in blaming uncontrolled circumstances.

That's really not who I am. I know what made me like this, and yet I avoid taking grip of my life.

Steve Harvey has repeatedly stated that to be successful you need to jump.

When you jump, you take a leap of faith, and place yourself into that insecure state of "the unknown".

It's been too long since I acted or placed myself out of my comfort zone. I used to be good at it when I was younger.

Now I have too many good reasons to stay where I am at.

I am aware of the fact that inside the comfort zone nothing happens; we deal with same old because we know what we have, but not what we might have.

The minute you do something out of normal, something extra ordinary will happen. Funny thing about extra ordinary: it's usually very good! Extra ordinary brings something new and by that also the possibility to adjust to a better situation. Yet, I (like most others) still try to avoid it.

I used to think that each their own forger of a good life. To be honest: I still believe that is true, but back then my strongest characteristic was to be creative.
My life was veiled in colours, sounds, actions and design. Hah, as induvidual and free I would like to call my past self, I was the typical, average creative person. Such an oxymoron, isn't it; to put creativity traits in a box.

Today, after pondering on my own discontent, I realized something important: I gave in a while back. Some time along the way I settled for good enough, rather than chasing my dreams. I suppressed a lot of my creativity blaming the stress mess I was caught in.

I am a quiet, calm person. It doesn't mean I'm not opinionated. I used to be a champ at achieving my goals.

By that I mean I thought I was chasing and achieving my goals.

What I was really doing was getting an education, a lot of it! I took so many degrees nobody will hire me now. I am too qualified, with tons of formal qualifications, tons and tons of prior learning experience, but no formal leader experience documented on paper. Still, I have the skills, habits and conduct of a leader.
I am too educated to be employed as a teacher in a new school now; I am too expencive. I am stuck where I work today. How pathetic is that?

The minute I got a family of my own, my goal was to create a happy and safe home for my family.
I went to the extremes and even planned what to do to maintain my kids' lifestyle and standard if my husband died. And I planned how my passing away will not affect their way of life too much.

Growing up I learned nobody must know. Some secrets you keep, so that others can have dignity and pride. If I was on top of things, I could prevent bad things to happen to others.

I did the expected thing and created a solid home for my family, while covering every possible outcome of disaster.

Now a lot of people are no longer part of, or even in, my life. In addition my young ones are more independent than they were. I have been a toddler's mom for 19 years. Getting used to I am not needed as much anymore, is hard to do.

A silent major change has taken place, and I didn't pay attention. Instead of becoming a freer person, I find myself in a position where I confuse opportunities lost with opportunities found.

The funny thing is: everybody else in my circle are really content. They really appreciate having the opportunity to choose freely what they want to make of themselves, and what to do.

So why am I stuck in the habit of limiting myself? Why do I feel my interests, wants and needs are not important enough to pursue?

My pondering made me realize that it's not reality which keeps me in a state of thinking how my actions will affect others in bad ways. There are no reasons why me changing focus should in any way give other people a hard time.

In my mind I create discussions on weather or not I should do something; if it is safe or not to change something because it would feel, look or perhaps work better. Often it's a matter of improving things, not repair them because they need fixing.

It's in many ways the same procedure I go through when it comes to throw something away; I deal with each item and detail as if it is of major importance, even though I deep down it isn't. The urge to keep, just in case I maybe need it some time in the future, is strong and inherited from my mother. (Yes, I blame her. She grew up during the war, and knows how to make use of what you have, and then recycle.) I know this, and yet it is so hard to ignore the voices telling me to keep it, keep it!

One of my all time wants, is to travel. I don't feel I get to travel and explore new places the way I want. Our family vacations tend to be a lot about amusement parks, water parks and beaches. Not my favourite cup of tea.
I would rather walk through an unknown village, discovering their ways and style. I would like to walk through a museum in my own pace and noone to call my name or tug my sleeve. I want to not eat at McDonald's. I want to sip to a glass of white wine, while watching people and reading a book.

By the time I have thought through my reasons why I should go for a long weekend by myself, and the importunate, more pressing reasons why I shouldn't, my kids have picked up on my intensions and tell me they want to go too, because there is a football match they really want to see live. And I feel awful about letting them down, leaving them or for some other reason start to doubt it is a good idea for me to go on a sole journey.

I know I think all this, and I know I am wrong. I am certain my family would really understand and condone my modest weekend of self fulfillment.

It's hard to be a loser. You get to the point when you expect to face another failure. I think maybe it's time I stop letting myself down.
Then, being a grumpy, old woman would be something I was in the past, and I would be the happy woman, in the best of ages, I truly am.

When the prise is Brilliant and Shiny

It's that time of year when I'm struggling to see the humor in how children's sports are run here in Norway.

MInd you, I am not thinking about the coaches and arbitrators and all the other adults who get involved to keep teams and athletes in active exercise. They do a great job! They sacrifice time, energy and social life to organize children's sport and interest. Through all kinds of weathers, they are out there, on the field and track helping to educate children to become active, team oriented people. They do it voluntarily and without payment.
When my boys with brilliant and shiny eyes hold a trophy in their hand after a chaotic tournament, I must admit that I feel a lump in my throat while I think of the great adults who have made it possible.

No, I think about the funding of sport.

In the United States, and many, many other countries, sports are driven through school. If you play football or chess, you represent your school. When you play in bands or is a gymnast, you do it for your school. It costs the kids time, and there is an expression called "soccer mum", which describes parents who sacrifice time to watch the kids when they are active, and otherwise support the team.

Here in Norway we have sports teams, or athlete clubs, and although they are run on a voluntary basis, nothing is really free and it costs money. Sportssuits and shoes we have to buy and pay yourself, but the club keeps equipment, firld, court and hall. They also pay insurance on the kids ... as soon as parents pay the yearly fee.
But then comes the central organs of sport.

I have two boys playing soccer. I am very proud of them and I see how they grow from playing matches. They understand how to be good losers, but even more important: They learn how to be good winners.

But. Each year NFF (Norwegian Soccers association) send out raffles to be sold. The two boys get 20 scratchcards each, valued to Nkr 30, - to be sold "door to door." My boys do not go on doors to sell lottery tickets. They know that all the other kids in the street, both football, handball, showjumping and other sports will go in the street and sell the scratchcards to their lottery... at about the same time of year. There are too many "no, I'm not having any" and "I don't have any cash at home."
We don't have family who live in the area either, which many depend upon for selling. So the invoice, that total nkr1200, - (about $200,-) that are included in the envelope with the scratchcards, gets paid, and we are stuck with a lot of scratchcards, we bought ourselves.

In mid-November, advent calendars arrives in the mail. 11 scratchcard-calendars each, 2 boys, equals 22 pieces a nkr 50, - to be "sold door to door." For the tidy sum of nkr 1100 - (about $ 180,-) It's no surprise that my boys do not go to our neighbors' doors to sell calendars. They know that all the other kids in the street, both football, handball, showjumping and other sports go in the street and sell ... at the same time of year. There are too many "no, I'm not having any", and "I don't have any cash at home".
We don't have family who live in the area either, which many depend upon for selling. So the invoice accompanying the advent calendars gets paid, and we are stuck with a lot of scratchcard-calendars, we bought ourselves.

And I have not even mentioned the huge bags with rolls of toilet paper (about $190,-) stored in the shed, and which we got invoice for, to pay for the tournament for boys 8 years old. We could sell them off, but everybody is selling toilet paper because... well, because. It's almost as if it's mandatory, like scoutgirls' cookies.

None of us can bear the thought of scratching calendars every day, from December 1 to December 24. it becomes an insurmountable and time-consuming project. By January I set off one evening and find the coin. The deadline to submit raffling with prices is March 31.
The boys join me for as long as they can be bothered, but it doesn't last long. Somehow there is no motivation in it for them when one route after another thanks for the support, but "Thank you for your support" gives no hope of a price.

2013 the advent calendars were red. Then I won Norway's, perhaps the world's, most expensive micro fiber cloth. That's it. A microfiber cloth.

2014 the advent calendars were purple. Yesterday I got two envelopes in the mail. Each of them contained two long teaspoons in stainless steel. I think I've got Norway's, perhaps the world's, most expensive teaspoons ... but they were at least brilliant and shiny.

appropriately moody

There are a so many attitudes inherent in us, but for some reason happiness is the one we refer to most often. That is the trend in attitude, and mood, we are supposed to strive for. Maybe it is part of the American influence on everybody, since it's mentioned in the United States Declaration of Independence, and all. Even those of us not even been to the States are tinted. We all want to be happy, even though we can't really say what it takes to be happy. Happiness is different to each and every one of us, depending on our values and beliefs.
We all have an attitude about everything; waking up, husband, children, laundry, work, working out and everything else we do, see, hear and experience.

I have written about happiness before, but I just can't let it be just yet, and knowing myself it will be subject for my ponderings and rambling ons yet again. Either I am totally off track, or there is something wrong about what we think happiness actually is. I have to admit that I had no clue the "pursuit of happiness" is a right specified in the Declaration of Independence; I didn't know! Not untill now, that is.

Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.[1] A variety of biological, psychological, religious, and philosophical approaches have striven to define happiness and identify its sources. Various research groups, including positive psychology, endeavor to apply the scientific method to answer questions about what "happiness" is, and how it might be attained.
It is of such fundamental importance to the human condition that "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" were deemed to be unalienable rights by the United States Declaration of Independence.
The United Nations declared 20 March the International Day of Happiness to recognise the relevance of happiness and wellbeing as universal goals. In 2014 Happy (Pharrell Williams song) became the anthem and inspired clips from around the world. (Wikipedia) 

This time my thoughts are not preoccupied with happiness in particular, I just happened to get a bit hung up on it... probably because I gave in to my propensity to associate and let my mind wander. Anyway, initially I was going to let my thoughts spin on the matter of attitude.

As a teacher I am pretty preoccupied with attitude, not my own attitude towards issues, mind you, but my students'. We all have attitudes, you see, but not all of our attitudes are quite like what we would prefer them to be. I don't have an attitude; I have good days and bad days, and that's it. As if, of course I've got an attitude... we all do!

We have bad attitudes and good attitudes, but not many really point out what is bad and what is good.
We can emit:
optimism, pessimism, confidence, interest
independence, jealousy, courteousness, cooperation
consideration, inferiorness, happiness, frankness
respectfulness, authoritation, sincereness, persistence
honesty, sympathy, realisation, faithfulness
flexibility, decisiveness, trust, thoughtfulness
determination, love, hostility, modesty
reliability, tolerance, humbleness, cautiousness
sarcasm, helpfulness, hard working
... and I am sure there are more.

Often when I talk, and mingle, with people who excel in  one or another field what strikes me is that they are so cocky. Hardly any exceptions: they talk with authority and are really bad listeners.
It is hard to keep up conversation if they are not allowed to stick with their own field of interest. My instant thought would be that they have severe issues regarding social behaviour, but when I draw focus away from me and try to understand their situasion, I can't say it's a bad attitude. It's how they need to be to be different and better and to keep the belief that what they do is important.
Their attitude is only bad as long as I focus on how I wish people around me are.
What we think, what we do and what we feel is what forms our attitude. While sometimes knowledge and experience form our attitude. And sometimes our attitude is based on our assumptions and beliefs.

A mood is not the same thing as an attitude. Attitude is your manners combined with your mood. It is how you feel and and position yourself to a person, a topic or a thing. It is how you carry your body in different situasions. The way you view something or tend to behave towards it.
Whether I regard people to have a bad attitude depends on my attitude. haven't really thought about that before, but now that I do think about it I find it right. A man is not an island, and attitude is not judged and perceived untill meeting somebody else.

A bad attitude make you seem unwilling and negative. You expose your family, friends and other people who cross your path, to this aura of no-ness. It's like they can't get across to you becuse you have shut down and locked yourself in a stubborn habit which is unpleasant to be around. Habit was maybe a bit harsh, but if you have accepted you can show a bad attitude and you don't care enough how you affect other people, it easily becomes a habit.
Or maybe you just don't realize you affect them, because you think you are not that significant.

Some say that changing your bad attitude and replacing it with a more positive way of thinking is just like developing any other virtuous habit. It takes persistence, planning and effort. Change attitude and be.... ecstatic! Thilled and over the moon at all times, every hour, every day.
Ok, maybe not that happy, but, well; happier.

I'm not quite convinced it's that easy. There has to be some kind of motivation and drive to do it, and I think that can only come from other people and their feedback.
Some are never satisfied. Others are depending on people to confirm what they have, and who they are, is good.

You have to be very close to someone to give feedback on their attitude.
Only time I do that, is when I get so annoyed I tell them off, and there's only one thing that is good for: to tear people down.

When you have it in you to have a good attitude you can't count on getting credit for it... which is really sad, because we all need a pet on our shoulder to keep going. Part of having a good attitude is that you don't gain self value from other people's unfortune.

I read an article in The New York Times about how Google works. Or, rather, the article is about a book written about Google.
I am sure they hardly ever experience employees having a bad attitiude towards work. They don't have a kind of company policy which actually allows that.

In many ways we live in a fantasy world, where people feel like a failure if they can't keep up with the successful lives of others. We display our happiness on social medias and in conversations while showing off our tastefully decorated homes... which are never untidy.

We have so much edited, filtered and touched up things coming at us every day. I get exhausted.
It is about time we accept our lives as they are. It doesn't mean we should stop doing the best we can and make things we are not happy about better. It means we change from "what we want everything to be like" to "something real".

I believe in selfworth and being the best version of ourself. It's not the same things to all of us, because we have different standards and values and resources, but it is important to be able to think good things about yourself. It doesn't mean things are always fine and dandy.

Art Linkletter defined a good attitude by saying: "Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out."

You know what? I demand the right to be appropriately moody, and still be percieved as a person with a good attitude. I will throw fits, create emotional fireworks, and some times just keep to myself... a lot of the time, actually. It doesn't mean I have a bad attitude, it means I am human and that I have feelings... but if that becomes a habit of mine, and all I ever do to others is to inflict my "no's" and "never's",  that's a totally different matter all together.

Happiness

Fashion is not something we deal with only in clothes, interior in a house, or any other appearance related matter. We also find fashion in lifestyle, values even emotions! Fashion pervade our entire being, whether we want it to, or not. There is no way we can avoid the influence fashion, as an impact to reckon with, has on our lives. Some of us insist they are totally unaffected, but to be totally unaffected you need to be aware and actively avoid… and then you focus a lot on fashion, in order to keep your own identity intact. It is hard work to escape the chase.

Sometimes, in the middle of all the tomfoolery surrounding me, I feel the need to reflect a little on the state of things. Lately the concept of happiness has emerged more often.

As a person I am more of a «the glass is half full» rather than «the glass is half empty», but I have my moments when I have to admit the «half full» people makes even me exhausted. In the midst of these ups and down I try to understand what happiness really is. And yet: I crawl up inside when they say that there is more to life than we are living. Why not settle for MORE? More being wide awake. More moments that take your breath away. More deep belly laughs. More of being real. More of giving your best. More soaking it in? All of it wonderful and great guidelines to a good life, but… for some odd reason it sounds like memorized mantras put like that. And I don’t think I can explain why I feel that.

I mean; We are, after all, captured in a mayhem of happiness with media, and wise guys, telling us we need to make an effort to be happy. And if we are happy, we should be even happier. It’s like it is an obligation to be happy all the time. Living in one of the best countries to live in, in the world, we are supposed to show the world how happy we are, while we work out, eat healthy (following the diet of the week), and showing off our wealth.

Family, friends, work and the great love of our life proves the manifestation, making it hard to exit, to break out of, the pink cloud of euphoric happiness the media and public speakers tell us we deserve and should embrace.

I surfed a bit online to find out what happiness is. We all have an idea of ​​what happiness really is, and yet I find that we talk at cross purposes when we talk, write or read about being happy. Some are preoccupied with what they have and need to be happy, others believe almost the opposite: to be happy, you are happier the less you own. The inherent evil of things hits hard, they say. There's very little agreement on what happiness is or what causes us to be happy.

I did find something really neat though: “Mapping Emotions On The Body…” http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/12/30/258313116/mapping-emotions-on-the-body-love-makes-us-warm-all-over 

It shows how love makes us warm all over, but do take notice: Happiness makes us warmer. (My thirteen year old looked at the picture while I explained it to him, and then said: “Mum, I know why people fight!”)

"I want to be happy!", "I'm so happy!" , I hear it all the time, whenever friends make drastic changes in their life, whether they leave a partner, quit their jobs, get engaged or is pregnant. You never say you're happy on everyday basis. Something extraordinary has to happen for us to feel the happiness we in the media are told we deserve all the time. When you feel the spring surge in your veins, and everything is just lovely ... yes, that is happiness!
But ... you can’t change your circumstances of life all the time. Then all of us would turn silly and stressed, and thus also very unhappy.

On my search online I found a disturbing amount of tips on how to be happy. I sorted them into 9 categories… and then discovered that what is considered important to be happy in my case is a utopia. It does not fit into my lifestyle to find happiness. I am not quite convinced that it is happiness, as a euphoric state, we are really looking for, either.
Most of us are not self- centered enough to spend all that time on ourselves and our own self-realization. Other people actually limit us quite a lot, simply because we take into account and realize the circle of people who are significant to us, often we sacrifice something for them to have a good life.

The yearning and pursuit of happiness is by no means something new. What is new, is that we are told this is what we should strive for to lead a meaningful life. I don’t really get that, maybe because I am quirky, but I grew up learning happiness is something you achieve together with others. Today I sense the “me” appear as the nagging refrain. Kind of funny that everybody focuses on themselves, and is insulted everybody else isn’t doing so as well. But they are busy focusing on themselves too, so there you go.

I think that many people are unhappy because they feel they are not important for anyone. I don’t think I am someone “important”, but there are many people I certainly should have invested more in, people I love immensely, but who I never invest enough time and attention in. Family is after all there, they don’t stop being family no matter how often, or rare, you see them. It's a good argument when you stifle your (bad) conscience, I'll call later, some time.

The truth is that I should draw attention to those I love. Not force myself on them being intrusive, but a little bit, once in a while. A text message on your birthday, for example, it doesn’t cost the world, neither time nor money, but it can make a big difference in the long run.
Even better to send a letter or card in the mail. I love to receive something other than advertising and bills in the mail. Maybe, just maybe, others like that too?

I have an aunt who is incredibly good at that, and I decide here and now to have a goal to be as good: Every birthday I get a letter, and the feeling of being remembered is infinitely good. I have a long way to go to reach that goal. However, it's a fairly new year, new birthdays coming up... Tomorrow I'll find all the birthdays and store them on my phone, along with updated phone number. Yes, I’m going to get it done tomorrow.
I guess I am very lucky to be someone who is seen every day. I get attention at work, at home… even the staff at the grocery store knows me by name.

I have no idea what the right answer to what happiness really is, but ... although I shiver and tremble with freezing cold (perhaps not that strange as it is, after all, winter, and the wind has been whistling cold and hard for over a month now) spring is already well underway within me. I thaw and feel warmer inside, and although this is not the correct definition to what happiness is, I am sure it applies?

Happiness #1 Spend time with friends.

An American study stated that 43% of married people were “very happy”, opposed to 24% of the unmarried. One of the reasons to this is that married people spend less time alone. They constantly are stimulated by others, are more active, energetic, engaged and enthusiastic.

If you are not married, you can become happy by spending time a lot, with friends.

I spend quite a lot of time alone. When you are the only adult, a lot, in a family with children, you can’t just drop everything to be with friends. Not that I have that many friends. I mean: I do see other grownups: coworkers, parents shivering on the sideline cheering the kids on while clattering teeth so badly a chewing gum is worn out in seconds. It’s not easy to keep a conversation going then… so there we are; embracing ourselves watching the kids running after the ball in flock. I meet them at the grocery store and whenever our paths cross… but the friendly cups of coffee are pitifully few.

When you find 10 minutes to spare; with nothing to do, someone who needs listening to or the batteries in your run-down body need to charge, our recesses from everyday life are not synchronously. 

We don’t raise our glasses in uproarious hilarity too often, either. It’s too much of an effort to arrange for a babysitter and a ride, just to hold the stem of a wineglass while waiting for “the call” in an alert state of anxiety.

The phone-calls always come. Sometimes I regret teaching the youngest one how to use the phone and my number. Five minutes after bedtime it is time to negotiate: it’s like clockworks: the phone always rings. Every time.

It’s a lot easier to just stay at home: I get a break from running by the clock, the kids get in bed on time and I don’t have to make plans on how to get home by the end of the night. (I know there is such a thing as taxis, but there’s the wait for it to arrive too, and that may take quite some time where I live.)

I do have the abilities and the will to get out of the house to see friends in casual settings, it’s not that. But after a long day at work, or a long week of constantly chasing the clock, it’s a blessing to give in to an inertly feeling, and just stay at home.  The general shortage of time makes me actually appreciate those rare occasions of lulling myself in domestic leisurely pace.  

Liam Neeson once said something like «the days pass by so slowly, but the years fly by so fast». It is so true. It has happened I have told someone that we really have to get together sometime soon… and suddenly months have passed by, and I didn’t even realize! When did all that time happen? What did I do which was so important and busy?

I like to say time doesn’t pass, it comes. But now that the kids are well on their way becoming more independent I find myself wondering if I missed out. I don’t really think so, but there is always that tiny, little voice in the back of my head which makes me have doubts about if I’m right.

I’m freaking out thinking about how fast time goes by. I didn’t have many new year’s resolutions, but I had a few. Still haven’t gotten time to really execute any of them. I was going to become so much better at organizing my life, home and family. I was going to treat myself better, focus more on my looks and appearance (I figure I am old enough to turn a little vain).

But then I start thinking: Do I really struggle with it as much as I think I do? Because I do really well at work, and my kids have turned out so great, bless them, and I do really well with the thrill of all of a sudden being thrown the impossible and making it possible. It’s a stressful period while I am making it happen but once I do, it is a complete rush. It must mean I am good at extemporizing.

Fortunately new Mondays come about, and Mondays are great days to start anew. (Last Monday was another bad day to do so, but another one is coming up in a week, soon enough for it to be executed within reasonable time, I think.)

Another thing is friends… I mentioned earlier I don’t have a lot of friends. I feel I have to explain that a little. It’s not like as if I don’t have a social circle of acquaintances.

So, where do I start… When I see friends or acquaintances usually the first thing they ask me is: Is he offshore? And that kind of sets the tone for the rest of our conversation. When he is offshore I’m more or less regarded as single. (Singles my age really have quite a few challenges, I tell you.) The phone turns noticeable quieter. It hardly rings unless it’s my mother, or my kids don’t pick up their mobile (usually because they forgot to charge the battery) and their friends need to talk to them. Socially things turn more absent, even though it’s not really something to boast about anyway, but still.

I lose both on circle of friends and status. I guess it’s fair to say it’s not a good idea to base my happiness on my social life.  

That being said; even though I run painfully dry of topics to talk about once both children and work are done with, and even though I sometimes lull myself in dreams about both me and my life were different, I may be alone, but never lonely. I am lucky to thrive in my own quirky, eccentric and twisted company.

I have no idea what the right answer to what happiness really is, but ... although I shiver and tremble with freezing cold (perhaps not that strange as it is, after all, winter, and the wind has been whistling cold and hard for over a month now) spring is already well underway within me. I thaw and feel warmer inside, and although this is not the correct definition to what happiness is, I am sure it applies?

Happiness #2 Forget salary increase.

To go out with friends increases your sense of happiness, however going to the mall doesn’t. Of course it can be a buzz to get a new dress or a flat screen TV, but that buzz is very temporary. The more you buy, the more you want. Same thing happens if you get an increase in salary; soon you take the extra money on your account every month for granted, and you turn discontented and unhappy again, and you want more, more, more...  

I don’t go out much. Maybe I hesitate because of the nature of my job, or maybe because I’m just plain boring, but I don’t really like it.

Most places you go to, to have a night out (apart from restaurants, that is) play music so loud you feel it in your guts. I don’t understand that. The quality of sound doesn’t improve just because the loudspeakers blast out volume to the limit of capacity (including unnerving jarring and dissonance). Quality of sound doesn’t improve just because it is loud, but I understand some people think so. Now, don’t misunderstand me: there is no better therapy than laying down on the floor, letting loud music wash over you and invade you entire body, but not when you are out with friends. We don’t want to scream our lungs out, just to let our friends know we are going to powder our nose. The bawl makes both my throat go dry (good for business, I suppose) and me a bit nervous. Experience tells me that at that moment; when you really tell in an impatient, overly clear and crispy voice, the music stops, and everybody hears the most private and embarrassing part of your message loud and clear.

When the music stops we discover how few actually talk together, as the premises go dead silent.

It’s like as if we are there on our own, all of us, together. Don’t forget now: I love music. Music is a great part of my life. If I was to talk about anything at all in capital letters, it would be music. I enjoy most genres (right now, as I am writing this, I listen to Crazy by Patsy Cline. Lovely!) Not fond of techno, though, but that’s a different topic.

When we finally come to a place where the music is muffled to a level possible to have a conversation at, with almost no exceptions, previous students approach me and tell about their present life, income salary and how great life is now that they have finished school and don’t have me as their teacher anymore. I really think it’s nice to hear they are doing well, but not when I am not at my best behavior.

The biggest advantage of eating out is actually not to do the dishes myself. That is a reasonable good excuse to eat out by itself, but the meal isn’t always all that. Too often it is overcooked, blend, cold and overpriced.

So, when I stand there at the bus stop, waiting for my bus to appear, dressed up and freezing, wondering where it’s safe to look, I usually just wish I was already at home.

Happiness to me is not to go out. The talk flows easier around the kitchen table at home, and coffee is served in big enough mugs with free refill. Wine is chosen from personal liking and taste, and the snacks have not been fondled by a number of strangers with questionable habits as far as personal hygiene and washing hands is concerned. 

To buy more the more you make… I admire people who are groomed and well dressed, even wish I was more like that myself. The thing is that when I for once really pay attention to… let’s say my hair, I go outside and the rain or wind, or both, makes the hour spent in front of the mirror a total waste. Being a mum means you constantly end up in situations when you have to step in or step up. To avoid the huge outfit and looks disasters and minimize the damage caused by weather and sticky fingers I go for the natural look, most of the time. (How I now and again comfort myself by looking at my wedding picture is a totally different story. I designed my dress (and the bouquet), and my mother made it from silk specially imported. I was very pretty that day, I think.)

I buy clothes online late at night. After work I have to pick up kids, cook dinner, do homework with the kids, make sure the kids get to their after school activities alright, supper must be served, bedtime routines, walk the dog, chores around the house… you know, run the family and our home. When I finally get time to spare the only store still open is IKEA. I can only bring so much furniture and Swedish crispbread into this house (Which are delicious, by the way, the crispbread I mean).

The most exciting thing about IKEA is to watch and eavesdrop to others who shop there. Usually, when you shop something for your house, you are looking for something you need. Walking through IKEA (and you have to walk through cause most shortcuts are blocked, so you end up walking the endless trail), you hear people comment upon the different items and nick-nacks displayed. The most intriguing comment I hear is: “That’s pretty awesome, I wonder where I can find space for it at home?” We fall for clever solutions, beautiful colors and design so simple it is exciting. We just simply feel we need it… and most definitely want it.

I find it such a blessing not to want something new all the time. Besides I have decided upon «cease-to-shop». Until I have cleared out all the clutter in my house nothing new will be bought. For many years I have struggled with too much stuff in my house, clothes included, now I catch a glimpse of an ending to the overwhelming abundance, and it is such a relief! It’s like the house is slowly getting orderly and not just a source to constant feeling of guilt.

I have no idea what the right answer to what happiness really is, but ... although I shiver and tremble with freezing cold (perhaps not that strange as it is, after all, winter, and the wind has been whistling cold and hard for over a month now) spring is already well underway within me. I thaw and feel warmer inside, and although this is not the correct definition to what happiness is, I am sure it applies?

Happiness #3 Don’t live beyond your means.

If you move and settle down in a neighborhood you can’t afford, you will be frustrated. The reason is you spend too much of your income on housing expenses and you will constantly be reminded that others have more resources than you, since apparently wealthier neighbors surround you. It is better to move and size down; forget the high-end housing, and appreciate being better off.

With the housing costs we have in Norway, I have to say I admire those who are bold enough to approach the market and buy a house. The cost of housing in Norway is really high, regardless of size and location. One thing is to calculate how much we can afford to pay for the house or flat itself, but we often forget the smaller posts in the budget like waste charge, water, phone, internet, TV, car expenses, insurance, leisure-time and recreational activities, child-minding expenses and gifts. The expenses always exceed what we initially thought.

To live is really, really costly.

You should think that going to school in Norway is free, but it isn’t really: class and school parties, excursions, advent calenders, canteen and personal computer constantly drain the budget. It is never a question of large amounts, but it adds up to quite a bit through the year anyway.

Many fall into the trap of accepting, and using, credit cards they can’t afford. I don’t find that strange at all. It is not smart, but understandable. Then and there you look for means which can help covering current expenses, and the credit card companies shower tempting offers on extra cash upon you. Tempting offers with catchy titles and slogans which hit bull’s eye. It is so easy to overlook the uncomfortable tiny print. Kind of embarrassing to give in and apply for an extra card, because we all know better, but still something I totally understand.

One should think that a belle would chime in the back of your head when thinking going to a sunny country to soak up sun, salty water and carefree days twice a year is something everybody can afford, and therefore you should too. For some reason we think we are the only ones, if struggling with a tight financial state.

EU’s definition to poverty is:

“Individuals, families and groups in the population can be said to be in poverty when they lack the resources to obtain the types of diet, participate in the activities, and have the living conditions and amenities which are customary, or are at least widely encouraged and approved, in the societies in which they belong”.

We focus a lot on the lifestyle to those who can afford, we seem to forget that only very few can actually meet the demands media present as normal. Those who can’t afford being up to so called standard don’t want to regard themselves as poor, and strive even harder to be what they think is normal. To end up in an overblown trap of luxury lifestyle is not all that uncommon, and very hard to escape.

Deliberately we have made choices which allow us a comfortable financial state. Funny thing is, though, if we didn’t have the option we do to choose to be thrifty, I am not sure if the chase for something better, or the temptation to live beyond our means would be this easy to avoid.

I discovered the liberation in having a secure income, I can afford to be economical. I don’t need brand name clothes or a new car, and I can choose to buy a kitchen from IKEA or a more expencive one. To have the means when the car needs service or when the insurance is due is simply lovely!

I don’t have to worry about it, and that is a huge relief. It’s a good reason to be happy for a while.

I have no idea what the right answer to what happiness really is, but ... although I shiver and tremble with freezing cold (perhaps not that strange as it is, after all, winter, and the wind has been whistling cold and hard for over a month now) spring is already well underway within me. I thaw and feel warmer inside, and although this is not the correct definition to what happiness is, I am sure it applies?

Happiness #4 Don’t live too far from work.

Longdistance commuting is really tiresome. You waste way too much time on board the train or in traffic jam to and from work. The longer the distance the less leisure time you get. Leisure time has a positive effect on the feeling of happiness.

My experience is that you don’t have to have a long distance to work to spend a long time getting there… or back home. The queues are long, trains are often unpredictable, the busses are stalling in the same queues as the cars (unless there is a line for public transit, then the busses gore the same line as taxis and electric cars). Being late for work is one thing, not to get home on time is a different story: That is worse.

The other day I was reading the newspaper about a woman who on commission gives speaches to industry and commerce about how to be happier. She does rather well, maybe because she is so convincing selling her presentation by stating that happier employees are better employees. In the portrait interview she says that when you are caught in a jam at rush hour, don’t get stressed out or let yourself become impatient. You are not getting anywhere any faster anyway. Allow the moment to be a break, listen to the radio or good music and enjoy the recess.

As if! When something gets in my way, which delays me, I know my kids are anxious waiting for me at home. They have places to be and times to be there. The technique of living in the present and focus on the good side effects of events is perhaps excellent… if all you need to worry about is when the 24/7 gym closes. For my part it is a question of follow up my kids; their doings and everyday life.

Running by the clock all day kind of inhabit my person. It stresses me out to be late, even when being late is not a big deal. The thing about stress is that you can’t decide when it must let go, and it stays in your body for ever so long. Long after the chase is over you can still feel it. I have experienced stress attacks and it hurts a lot. At times I have very little energy; it is hard to get a grip and get out of the house whether it is to go for a walk or do something else. The sofa is so comfortable, especially if I think I can get some peace and time to read. I have to stop doing that, though, because I often fall asleep and by that destroy the little sense of circadian rhythm I got left. I know I have a job to do trying to fix that, but I have great hopes it will get better… it will all get a lot better. Soon. Some day. I have high hopes.

I have no idea what the right answer to what happiness really is, but ... although I shiver and tremble with freezing cold (perhaps not that strange as it is, after all, winter, and the wind has been whistling cold and hard for over a month now) spring is already well underway within me. I thaw and feel warmer inside, and although this is not the correct definition to what happiness is, I am sure it applies?

Happiness #5 Enjoy what you got.

You feel happier if you take some time to think about what you actually got. Not saying you have to think about it all the time, not even every day, but now and again. Focus on the things you own, rather than spending time wanting what your neighbor have.

It is challenging to me to enjoy what I got. By all means; I have a really good house which is tight to water and wind… even cold, I have a fairly ok car which starts like clockwork every morning and has room for just about anything. There isn’t much I need or want, although I really, really wish for a carport. I know it will be built in very near future, so it is not like as if I get an angst attack thinking about it. You see: I have no storage room in my house, and a lot of what I keep indoors is stuff which is to be kept in the storage unit at the back of the carport. Tools, paint, flowerpots… that kind of things. It will be like as if the entire house will grow and become roomy over night. That will be just lovely!

There is no use for me to wish for new furniture. I’ve got what I call “constraint furniture”. It’s not as negative as it might sound, but there are limitations as far as the they are conserned. Since I have these furniture, and houses have limited space (I know, however, a couple of people who don’t believe there is such a thing as floor space… you know, just enough to let a mop dance over your floor and under the chairs and sofa).

I do have a few items of furniture I have bought myself, i.e. my kitchen table which is absolutely gorgeous and fantastic, and it’s bought on IKEA. I like it, not because of its look, but because I can seat 14 people around it, and it is just worn enough to be comfortable. Just about everything takes place there from wrapping gifts, baking and repairs to office related doings.

The only downside to the kitchen table is that when it is so large that there is also room for a lot, and this "much" is bits and bobs that just laid there, and it makes itself comfortable staying put right there. Mail, books, stationery and a lot of other stuff piles up until I get too impatient and throw it away or put it in place .

But, yes, I am delighted with what I got. Even my “constraint furniture” gives me great pleasure. Now there may be some who hesitate a bit when reading I have something called “constraint furniture”. Those are bits of furniture that are so old or have such a great sentimental value, it is hard to get rid of. Furniture that 80 years ago were crafted by Grandpa is not something you can just chuck out of the house because you want a new style. Fortunately, I like them. I can sit in my living room and look around and tell stories about most of what is there.

If I were to point out something I have, which I'm unhappy with, it must be my hidden piles of unfinished needlework. I have a lot of art supplies I keep thinking I sometime in the future will have time to conjure it all into something beautiful, after all there is no expiration date, so it is all good. But ... I have a few projects I once started that sometimes annoy me. It annoys me that I can’t find it in me to finish it, and I'm too stubborn to get rid of it. For example, I must have at least three unmounted sweaters that I once knitted. I don’t quite understand why I haven’t finished  them, either. It’s sort of just stayed like that. I think I'll look at it soon ... again , some time.

Strictly speaking, I rejoice what I have. And I don’t begrudge my neighbors anything they have. Their tended gardens (mine should be completed in a year or two) and apparently always newly washed cars, and it's downright quite nice to look at for me, as a neighbor. I am fortunate to live in a nice neighborhood with neighbors who care about their homes.

I have no idea what the right answer to what happiness really is, but ... although I shiver and tremble with freezing cold (perhaps not that strange as it is, after all, winter, and the wind has been whistling cold and hard for over a month now) spring is already well underway within me. I thaw and feel warmer inside, and although this is not the correct definition to what happiness is, I am sure it applies?

Happiness #6 Enjoy a lovely meal.

Spend some time to cook a wonderful meal with your girl-/boyfriend or friends at home, or enjoy a gourmet meal at the restaurant. The French are masters in enjoying good food and wine - learn from them! Do not do other things while you eat, such as watching television simultaneously. Focus on your meal and being with those you eat, or dine, with.

I am very fond of cooking. After I got decent knives (good knives are half the cooking experience, everything goes so smoothly and quickly that it's almost as if the food comes about by itself, like magic) the pleasure of cooking has only gotten bigger.

From time to time we invite guests, which makes the meal even more fun to make because I then cook something other than my usual 15 - minute dinners.

I have a friend who almost always brings along one or more mysterious guests, because she knows I think it's fine. It could be someone she thinks sits alone too often in the evenings, or anyone who comes to her door as she is on the way out. I have realized that many think it's weird or something they would have had problems to tackle, but for me it's just the way she is, and it is always nice. More than nice, it is downright pleasant.

It's so pleasant that we often don’t move on into the lounge. The talking flows, they are like chatterboxes, and I don’t have the heart to hurry them on. So, we sit on hard kitchen chairs all night, without anyone being upset or think less of me because of it.

She says that the reason why she invites guests along is that she knows I do not mind (eventually I have learned to expect that there will be more guests than I initially invited) and since she sees that I have such a relaxed attitude to this unusual extend hospitality, she even finds it amusing and makes a point out of it. She is aware that it is of course strictly unheard of… just not with me.

I'm never quite finished cooking when guests arrive. The salad is often tossed together while guests are sitting there talking. So while I’m cutting tomatoes and cucumbers we have something to talk about, like an icebreaker. There might even be a little fuss when I throw a tomato in the air and splits it in two in the air with one of the great blades of mine. (Sometimes it's okay to show off a little. Just a tiny bit, that is.)

It's so incredibly nice to make food that people show they appreciate (it is possible that their greatest pleasure is that they don’t have to do the dishes, but I do live in hope that the food is also to their tasting).

The contrast to the family meal is huge. Strikingly often we eat while we make preparations to go somewhere, almost on the go. The times we have time to have a proper meal together we tend to become less people around the table because the youngest sneak silently from the table with plate and cutlery into the living room to bench themselves in front of the TV. I'm not too happy about it, but rarely make a fuss. After all, they eat the food. As they leave the table, and the conversation stops in unhappy silence some of us reach for the newspaper to read the headlines of today, or yesterday's newspaper still to be found in the pile at end of the table. They are all aware that I do not like it, so on special occasions, Christmas and stuff, they stay, and we sit together at meal 's end. It's sort of an reward that they prove they, after all, know how to behave, and that they realize that a meal can be a special and pleasant occasion.

I have no idea what the right answer to what happiness really is, but ... although I shiver and tremble with freezing cold (perhaps not that strange as it is, after all, winter, and the wind has been whistling cold and hard for over a month now) spring is already well underway within me. I thaw and feel warmer inside, and although this is not the correct definition to what happiness is, I am sure it applies?

Happiness #7 Challenge yourself

Leisure time is more satisfying than work, but you should considerate what you spend your leisure time on. After a long day at the office it can be very tempting to drag yourself home and collapse in front of your flat screen TV. But: you become happier leading an active life. Start training and work out, set a goal. The goal must be a challenge, yet realistic.

I don’t think I would mind coming home after a long day at work only to collapse in front of the flat screen tv. I'm almost certain I then had become a happier person. Don’t misunderstand me: my job is incredibly rewarding. I have wonderful colleagues and I get to be with great youth throughout the day.

The thing is, though, that I privately I do not live in a pink bubble by myself. I believe that parents have the responsibility to take care of their children, and the time between work and bedtime is pretty much the time you have with your children. It is the time you have to take care of your house and home in a way that we live as well as possible. Food has to be prepared, clothes washed, you have to dust, homework should be done and it really is quite a bit a complex solitaire to make time for everything.

Naturally one can plan the day more organized, you can always be more structured. But, and there is of course always a but: I depend on being a bit impulsive, it is a must for me to be able to. I need to feel I can drop whatever I have in my hands and just do something that occurs to me at that time. For me it is more important than having fixed times when I exercise. My body bears the marks and dents that tells of past problems and childbirth because I don’t exercise (that’s probably why, right? The decay sets in).

I know it's not fashionable to be older or have scars, but I think that after all they tell the story of my life, and it's not certain that everything has been just a voyage on a pink cloud. Nor do I think that plastic surgery to pretty things up is all that beautiful, either.

I walk the dog and use it as an excuse for me to move a few meters outside, but he can’t see very well anymore so he runs with his nose in the asphalt all the time and the pace is somehow not fast enough to get my heart pumping faster. It would be unfair to call it exercise. Even though I don’t work out, I would say I am reasonably active in my spare time (especially when the clock is tilted midnight and most people are sleeping).

That said, I am a little secretly jealous of those who manage to treat their body as a worthy temple. They exercise, sleep and eat right, and find happiness in seeing the results. In all fairness I have to confess I haven’t got enough self-discipline to actually do that... but I have a goal, and that I keep, I have to stay in shape to be able to tie my shoes myself, without sitting on a bench or get short of breath! That’s something, right?

I have no idea what the right answer to what happiness really is, but ... although I shiver and tremble with freezing cold (perhaps not that strange as it is, after all, winter, and the wind has been whistling cold and hard for over a month now) spring is already well underway within me. I thaw and feel warmer inside, and although this is not the correct definition to what happiness is, I am sure it applies?

Happiness #8 Volunteer and participate in charitable work.

If you want to help yourself, help others by volunteering or enlist to a charitable organization. You will feel you do something valuable, and you will see the benefits of doing good deeds.

Voluntary community work. The concept is apparently very Norwegian. Spring 2004, the Norwegian word "dugnad "  was voted the national word, in a slightly informal competition in the TV show  “Typisk Norsk” (great series on NRK, I liked it).

I have to admit I get a little stale taste in my mouth when talking about Voluntary community work. Voluntary work is somehow something we do when forced. For some reason I don’t understand why it sits so deep with to enroll voluntarily community work. Voluntary work is so social! It’s nice and usually both coffee, tea and good conversation are a big part of the task. Things that I otherwise would be annoyed about are getting done (I don’t like garbage, worn paint, filthy windows or any other signs of decay. It is unnecessary, because it takes very little effort to get it fixed.
Voluntary community work is usually in our own interest. It is our children who do sports, go on trips, have a nice neighborhood with playground, At the end of the day someone will have to do a lot of odd jobs, that would otherwise not have been done, if noone made an effort. It may be tedious work, but work that makes everything so much nicer for everybody. I know it’s not right to count on someone else to do it, so I really should participate more. I know.

Non-governmental organizations have little resources, they depend on maintenance, modifications and upgrading to be done for free, or nearly for free. Costs must be limited to a minimum and users need to step up to keep the activities up. There is so much evidence that being involved in all these organizations soon become more of a lifestyle. I need to ask myself then: In order to secure my boys play sports, am I willing to change my lifestyle? It is both rewarding and useful, even though it’s an ungrateful job. Yet it’s an ungrateful job many do. In many ways it’s like the job of being a cleaner: I can’t see myself doing it, but I am ever so thankful that someone is doing it. Yeah, I know, it is a dilemma.

To correct the impression a tiny bit: I'm really good at buying tickets. I buy from most everybody coming to my door selling... when I have cash (they don’t carry around apparatuses for cash dispenser card… yet). I also pay for the Christmas cards, gift tags and calendars I get sent every Christmas from organizations training guide dogs, the handicapped artists painting with their mouth and feet, rescue company and a few other dedicated organizations. I pay my way out to have a good conscience. It may not taste as good, but I feel good enough to not be ashamed of myself and my effort. I tick off the list and feel ok after all.

I have no idea what the right answer to what happiness really is, but ... although I shiver and tremble with freezing cold (perhaps not that strange as it is, after all, winter, and the wind has been whistling cold and hard for over a month now) spring is already well underway within me. I thaw and feel warmer inside, and although this is not the correct definition to what happiness is, I am sure it applies?