communicating and confirm relationships

It has happened that I, during a conversation, fall into thoughts about what it is we really speak about. It's a lot like:
- Do we speak? I mean; really speak to one another?
- Yes, of course! What is it you want to say?
- I know we hear eachother talking, but do we really listen? Do we answer to the questions we are afraid to address? Or do we dismiss them as insignificant, because it is more comfortable?

In all the relationships we keep, and claim we nurture, there has to be trust that the other one will never intetionally hurt us, or expose our weak moments.
It's a lot like marriage; both partners have that need for security: the undisputable guarantee of time set aside, acceptance, of love…especially from one another.

Psychological abuse is just that: exposure of our weak moments... whether it's feelings we thought we once had, or traits, and then taking advantage of them to break the other person into dysfunctional dependency. It's just plain cruel.

We need to know we have worth as individuals; that our lives as a man or  as a woman count for something, that there is a purpose for our existence, that we are significant and a pillar for our relationship. Not just our role or function, but that we count and are important to eachother.
And to have that, you need to listen. You need to take an interest in your partner or friend.

I have heard men and women explain the failure in fidelity by saying: "It didn't mean anything!"
I don't think people who say that fathom the second betrayal they commit the instant those words are uttered. By admitting to breaking the trust, for something they discard that easily; as not important, is really harsh.
(Unless the agreement of an open relationship is settled, of course). Fidelity is the core in a couple's synergy. Which means you break out by doing something insignificant, when it is obvious to everybody you should have known that to the other person it means everything. You just didn't listen and understand.

I have heard people say that it wasn't the cheating itself, in the physical sense, which was the worst. What really bothered them, to the extent of breakdown, was the thought of the pillowtalk. The risk they have been exposed. 
You know... the conversation that happens after, or before, being intimate. It's infinitely better than normal conversation because there's touching involved. There is presence.
And what lies in the nature of pillowtalk is the life-support system of the strong and unshakable relationship we desire to a partner.

But how do we affirm true connection to one another?
I would say the sure confirmation is when you bother talking to eachother. By listening. By caring enough to communicate.
After all we communicate in so many different ways. Sometimes with a look and other times with a touch. Yet in our relationships, there need to be words. We need to hear each other’s voice, what the other is thinking, feeling, dealing with, dreaming of.

True connection also include disagreement and arguing, not fighting, but to feel safe when you speak up and state your mind. To feel it is ok to have different opinions.

I told a friend that I tell the people I love I love them. He just looked at me with a blank gaze, then shook his head and said "the people I love know, without me saying". I'm not convinced we do.

The way we communicate with one another can make a difference. Relationships differ; Some are strong, some weak, some have  joy and others have pain, some are blessed with good health and wholeness, some bear nothing than destruction.
The thing is: communication can ease hurt, and enforce happiness.

It is all in the art of communication, and it literally permeates every aspect of a relationship.
Maybe one of us loves to talk, while the other is quieter. However, because healthy communication is critical to our relationship, we need to do whatever it takes to learn to communicate in an effective way. Nothing else shows more clearly that we truly care for and value our loved one above ourselves. It doesn't cost a lot to say hello and smile. It is easy to just stroke an arm or a back as you pass by. Easy to do and important signs you care and know the other person is there.

We need to learn to listen to one another: to allow and encourage honesty, openness, vulnerability. To exchange thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams, fears, and failures with one another in such a way that we break even and share life without fear of rejection and judgment. Then you can truly claim you have a true and healthy relationship.

Listen to him telling

At work we some times get the pleasure of listening to lectures, held by very competent people. They tell, update and demonstrate the art of telling a story.

We do have expectations to most things, and people, we relate to. The things we see, hear, feel and experience. Teachers can be a demanding audience, not many get away with their performance getting a heartfelt applauce.

Some time back we were given a lecture by a famous writer, artist, humorist, stand up comedian. He is also an actor and cabaret performer.

He was talking about classic literature and sense of humor.
Views were presented which introduced us to new and different perspectives on pulp literature, politicians, humorists, authors, culture and other so called high end cultural performances and publications.

It's funny how we really thought we had curriculum under control, and it turns out there is an important side to it all, the aspect which we discovered ourselves, but which we need to introduce to our students because that aspect is what makes culture entertaining. Some where along the way we forgot how outrageous, scandalous and still valid good literature is. And since we, who are experienced, skilled and fast readers take all of this for granted, we totally forgot it's not self evident to young teens.

Imagine to be so well-informed and reflected that you still remember what it was like to still be in the process of discovering the world and everything in it. How great it must be to be both conscious and confident about what you are saying, and then present it so effortlessly.

The way he read, in his tone, accent and stress was such an inspiration. And while he read, lectured, talked and made comments upon seriousness in a flourishing language, without belittleing it by using four-letter words, he awoke an understanding and associations I had long forgotten about.

At one point during his captivating loquaciousness it hit me how hard it must be to be a true humorist. I don't think humorists really want to be humorists. I think they would really like to be artists or authors.
True humorists master the art of Shakespearean insults: Insults disguised as poetic wordings, but with a solid core of harsh truth; When you can say anything without attacking people at a personal level, and yet there is a reprimand picked up by who ever the shoe fits.

It's the art the skalds and court jesters mastered. We tend to think about them as foolish and ridiculous, but the truth is they guided their chief or king in ways, and in matters, noone else dared.

I believe anything can be said, to just about anybody, as long as you say it the right way.
I am not good at talking. It doesn't come naturally to me to captivate an audience by the sole force of my storytelling skills.
However; being aware of this I can prepare to give good lectures and hold good meetings.

Funny how I am said to be an excellent people person in spite of this, but I think that is because I know the art of listening.




,

Sole conversations.

Asking yourself questions on facebook, getting the answers you want, always has the right outcome. It's the new talking to yourself... which I am old fashioned enough to do, on frequent and regular basis.

I have not reached the point of posting my questions to myself, and then reply, on facebook... not yet, anyway.
But I appreciate the opportunity to ask the universe for the ultimate solution, though.
I also see the attraction of posting on facebook, thinking you are the one to respond, not expecting anyone else to reply. You don't get that social loser feeling, IF someone replies it's a mere bonus.

When I am upset with noone in particular, or I am pondering about something I not only fall into thoughts: I also murmur. Now, my family is used to hear me mumble, and they know I then have a moment of private expression of discontent.

Years ago they thought I was angry, maybe with them, maybe someone or something else... they weren't sure. They would stop making noise and tiptoed around the house as if not to wake my anger. Very unfortunate to have unintendently created that kind of insecurity in them, but we had a talk as soon as they had the courage to ask why I some times were angry with them, when I was in the kitchen by myself. They preferred I just confronted them.

Now, that made me take a close look at myself. I am not an angry person, and it made me sad I upset them by my really bad habit. I understand their reaction, and I am sorry about the light anxiety I caused.

Me clinging to the old fashioned way has the drawback people around me are at best suspicious about my mumbling. I don't know why. I see people talking to themselves everywhere. Well, not really talking to themselves, but they talk with no shame, in a loud voice, when noone is their apparent partner in the conversation.

Thinking about it, I should buy one of those earpieces people use when talking on the phone, loud, in public. Not because I want to talk more on the phone, which I hate, but because that is acceptable now.

I was brought up learning that we should keep conversations on the phone private. Our phone was placed in a small hallway not very often used for any other purpose than talking on the phone. The door was open so we could hear the ringing through the entire house, but our conversations were private.

Now people talk everywhere, not even bothering to move away from the group they are in the midst of, or lowering their voice. It actually some times feel like as when people get a more expencive phone, they raise their voice another notch. Not only that: I have on occasions left the room, because I was embarrassed on their behalf.

To be honest I find people's relationship to their phone is rather annoying. So many seem to be addicted to their phone: they never really leave it alone, but check for activity on it constantly. Updates on status, messages and postings is an ongoing, constant behaviour.

People don't even see how rude it is, to abruptly disengage in their face to face conversations, just because they get a message, or a phonecall. I feel so stupid sometimes, just left hanging there.

Back in the days (a couple of years ago) we thought people talking to themselves in a loud manner were a bit.... challenged. Now they are excused because obviously they are on the phone. Even when they sing lullabyes while shopping groceries... or ask whether they should or want... or not. 

I am not on the phone, I don't have that excuse, but I searched the net, and got my reasons for talking to myself confirmed:

Here are a few things self-talk can do for you:

• Give yourself a shoutout. Even if no one else seems to be appreciating you at the moment, compliment yourself on the way you handled a difficult situation, left your comfort zone for a new adventure, or just got through a busy day.
• Give yourself a pep talk. We could all use a motivational speaker from time to time, but we don’t always have one handy. Self-talk can help you motivate yourself to achieve a goal at work, in a relationship, or in your personal behavior.
• Debate both sides of a difficult decision. Saying your options out loud and elaborating on the pros and cons can help bring the right choice to light, and you might be surprised at the unexpected direction your thoughts take when they’re audible.
• Blow off steam. If you’re not the type to confront people who tick you off, talk to yourself about how they bother you or how unfair a situation is. Introverts are especially prone to missing opportunities to assert themselves. Put the “self” back in self-assertion.
• Understand your thoughts better. Sometimes we’re sure we think one way, but our psyche tells us differently. Have you ever found yourself crying when you didn’t think anything was wrong? That’s your subconscious letting you know. Invite it to join your conversation to bring you to new levels of self-awareness.
• Rehearse a difficult conversation. Practicing what you need to say to get your points across clearly and without anger will put you in a much better position when it comes time to communicate about a tough issue.
• Boost your memory. Research shows that saying the location out loud when you place an object will help you remember where you put it.
• Shake off stress and anxiety. Who couldn’t use one more way to get rid of stress? Work it through with a monologue.
• Improve attention span and concentration. Indeed, many people with ADD talk to themselves to help bring a tangle of thoughts into focus. Notice how often you see athletes muttering under their breath before an event; they’re calming themselves down (#8) and pumping themselves up (#2). It works.

Yeah, I can do this on facebook; it even provides most tools to do it too..

I Happen To Like To Communicate.

I don't, but not always by choice. 
It's like involuntary showing 
mysterious wisdom. 

I am one of those people who constantly feel I have a lot to say, about most topics. I enjoy to be opinionated, I thrive when I get to ponder and wonder about how different standing points could, perhaps, look upon the matter, what their reaction to situations would be like, or how access to resources or different stages of life impose lifestyle. I am one of those people who think I can add something to just about any topic talked about.

I don't really get to air my comments to others much. For some reason I get interrupted a lot, and instead of claiming my space, I tend to withdraw. I speak up because I have this eager thought I would hate to let common sense burn out inside of me for never to be uttered. Only to find my own words just fade out in the buzz of other, louder voices.

As alarming it may sound, and this is totally true: I have not yet, after 28 years, had a proper conversation with my in-laws. That's right; I always end up listening, and then my husband interfere and pretends he is talking for the both of us. Most times he does, because we agree to a large extent, but still; even him.

Then, when I come across people who listen to me, I get so startled I forget every name, event and even word I am about to say. Many times I am left with this bitter taste in my mouth that I didn't get to express what I really meant. It just comes out the wrong, stuttering, insecure way. And leaves my partner in conversation just.... totally confused.

Like... at a Christmas party I told a woman that: "You have been bugging me through this entire holiday!!! You keep popping up as a possible connection, and I must have sent you like 20 invitations on Linkedin."

The poor woman tried to excuse herself, for not having sorted out her Linkedin profile for years, and that she had several profiles... some not active, but she would get it sorted now that her son was at home.

I, on the other hand, sounded like a pathetic idiot, who couldn't take no for an answer. I guess pure luck saved her from adding me. Of course; now that she has sorted out her profiles, she is not accepting me. Not sure I would either.

I would probably be holding a restraining order if we lived in the States, and I wouldn't blame her.

On that note: it is a woman I enjoy being around a lot! really! I just have to figure out how to fix our relationship back to friendly.

Just because of that, blogging is a perfect forum for me. This is where everything I got on my chest can be expressed, with a hint of eloquence, without me feeling muffled or that I say something nobody really cares to listen to. I don't steal anybody's precious time by forcing them to listen to my rambling on.

Here I can talk uninterruptedly knowing whoever reads what I write do so by free will and no obligation, no strings attached... ok, so it has happened I send a link or two to somebody I feel could find some entertainment out of reading what I wrote about this or that. But it is still volunteerly for them to actually read it.

At least they will get the notion I know something about something... if not anything else, I know words.

In spite of having a blog with no other agenda than the one I present above (or below, in this case):

There are so many blogs out there. This is mine. I don't expect it to be particularly good, but it is my life and my thoughts on life and the world as I see it.

Having a blog gives me the opportunity to explore, amuse, challenge, provoke and maybe even look upon values and morals with an unexpected twist.

It is an egotrip where I get to post my own opinions, in my own words, and I get the satisfaction at least I uttered them out there, for anybody to see... if they care to.

That being said. I really don't get a lot of comments or sharing of my blog. As much as I tend to bloom in the spotlight of attention on facebook, the blog has become a different matter. Not everything I write is entirely true: I maybe exaggerate or understate, but there is always a core of some truth. My truth.

Since this is a lot more sincere than my successful facebook-life (mind you, my display of an alleged successful life, in spite of my humble 140+ friends), where likes and clicks and sharing is a huge part of being active, I think I would be intimidated if I got too many comments displayed in public here on my blog. I don't mind them, by all means, I love them! It means I have hit some sort of nerve, and getting them is probably just a matter of getting used to. (Read: Feel free!) Like Chris Brogan once said: “If you accept all the praise, you have to accept all the critics.” And that's fair.

I do enjoy the emails I get from you, and I do try to reply them all. Maybe not right away, but shortly.

I just read through what I just wrote, and I have to say: who am I trying to fool?

Everybody knows that positive feedback is like a drug: you just crave more and more of it, and more often. And after a while you start to get discontent if nobody gets to see what a raging (moderate) success you are.

But then I think to myself: I will never have 50 000 followers on my blog, I will never be a top notch commercial blogger, but I do feel like I get my voice out there. I show how I feel about things, and state my opinions, without being interrupted, and that is still, to me, of the greatest value. (And that is why, when I feel very strong about something, I write it down and send a link, or email, to my husband...)

Because, after all, just like Tom Foremski said: “Blogging is a communications mechanism handed to us by the long tail of the Internet.”
And I happen to like to communicate... just not very good at it live.

Gerard Nolst Trenité - The Chaos (1922)

Just for fun....
This is a classic English poem containing about 800 of the worst irregularities in English spelling and pronunciation.Will Snellen wrote a PDF version using the phonetic alphabet. You can hear some of it pronounced mostly correctly by "JimmyJams" in the video The Chaos Of English Pronunciation by Gerard Nolst Trenité on YouTube.

Or you can go to this site, for more information.

Here we go!

Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
   I will teach you in my verse
   Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
   Tear in eye, your dress you'll tear;
   Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.

Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
   Just compare heart, hear and heard,
   Dies and diet, lord and word.

Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it's written).
   Made has not the sound of bade,
   Say-said, pay-paid, laid but plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
   But be careful how you speak,
   Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak ,

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;
   Woven, oven, how and low,
   Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.

Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
   Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
   Missiles, similes, reviles.

Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining,
   Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
   Solar, mica, war and far.

From "desire": desirable-admirable from "admire",
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
   Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
   Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,

One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
   Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
   Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,

Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.
   This phonetic labyrinth
   Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.

Have you ever yet endeavoured
To pronounce revered and severed,
   Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
   Peter, petrol and patrol?

Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
   Blood and flood are not like food,
   Nor is mould like should and would.

Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which exactly rhymes with khaki.
   Discount, viscount, load and broad,
   Toward, to forward, to reward,

Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
Right! Your pronunciation's OK.
   Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
   Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Is your r correct in higher?
Keats asserts it rhymes Thalia.
   Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,
   Buoyant, minute, but minute.

Say abscission with precision,
Now: position and transition;
   Would it tally with my rhyme
   If I mentioned paradigm?

Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
But cease, crease, grease and greasy?
   Cornice, nice, valise, revise,
   Rabies, but lullabies.

Of such puzzling words as nauseous,
Rhyming well with cautious, tortious,
   You'll envelop lists, I hope,
   In a linen envelope.

Would you like some more? You'll have it!
Affidavit, David, davit.
   To abjure, to perjure. Sheik
   Does not sound like Czech but ache.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.
   We say hallowed, but allowed,
   People, leopard, towed but vowed.

Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover.
   Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
   Chalice, but police and lice,

Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
   Petal, penal, and canal,
   Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,

Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it",
   But it is not hard to tell
   Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.

Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
   Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
   Senator, spectator, mayor,

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
Has the a of drachm and hammer.
   Pussy, hussy and possess,
   Desert, but desert, address.

Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.
   Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,
   Cow, but Cowper, some and home.

"Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker",
Quoth he, "than liqueur or liquor",
   Making, it is sad but true,
   In bravado, much ado.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
   Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,
   Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.

Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
   Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close,
   Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.

Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
Make the latter rhyme with eagle.
   Mind! Meandering but mean,
   Valentine and magazine.

And I bet you, dear, a penny,
You say mani-(fold) like many,
   Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
   Tier (one who ties), but tier.

Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring?
   Prison, bison, treasure trove,
   Treason, hover, cover, cove,

Perseverance, severance. Ribald
Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled.
   Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,
   Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.

Don't be down, my own, but rough it,
And distinguish buffet, buffet;
   Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
   Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.

Say in sounds correct and sterling
Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.
   Evil, devil, mezzotint,
   Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)

Now you need not pay attention
To such sounds as I don't mention,
   Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,
   Rhyming with the pronoun yours;

Nor are proper names included,
Though I often heard, as you did,
   Funny rhymes to unicorn,
   Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.

No, my maiden, coy and comely,
I don't want to speak of Cholmondeley.
   No. Yet Froude compared with proud
   Is no better than McLeod.

But mind trivial and vial,
Tripod, menial, denial,
   Troll and trolley, realm and ream,
   Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme.

Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely
May be made to rhyme with Raleigh,
   But you're not supposed to say
   Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.

Had this invalid invalid
Worthless documents? How pallid,
   How uncouth he, couchant, looked,
   When for Portsmouth I had booked!

Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,
Paramour, enamoured, flighty,
   Episodes, antipodes,
   Acquiesce, and obsequies.

Please don't monkey with the geyser,
Don't peel 'taters with my razor,
   Rather say in accents pure:
   Nature, stature and mature.

Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,
   Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,
   Wan, sedan and artisan.

The th will surely trouble you
More than r, ch or w.
   Say then these phonetic gems:
   Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.

Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,
There are more but I forget 'em-
   Wait! I've got it: Anthony,
   Lighten your anxiety.

The archaic word albeit
Does not rhyme with eight-you see it;
   With and forthwith, one has voice,
   One has not, you make your choice.

Shoes, goes, does *. Now first say: finger;
Then say: singer, ginger, linger.
   Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge,
   Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,

Hero, heron, query, very,
Parry, tarry fury, bury,
   Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,
   Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.

Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,
Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners
   Holm you know, but noes, canoes,
   Puisne, truism, use, to use?

Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual,
   Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,
   Put, nut, granite, and unite.

Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
   Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
   Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.

Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific;
   Tour, but our, dour, succour, four,
   Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,
Next omit, which differs from it
   Bona fide, alibi
   Gyrate, dowry and awry.

Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
   Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
   Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,
   Rally with ally; yea, ye,
   Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!

Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
   Never guess-it is not safe,
   We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.

Starry, granary, canary,
Crevice, but device, and eyrie,
   Face, but preface, then grimace,
   Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;
   Ear, but earn; and ere and tear
   Do not rhyme with here but heir.

Mind the o of off and often
Which may be pronounced as orphan,
   With the sound of saw and sauce;
   Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.

Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?
Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.
   Respite, spite, consent, resent.
   Liable, but Parliament.

Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,
   Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,
   Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.

A of valour, vapid vapour,
S of news (compare newspaper),
   G of gibbet, gibbon, gist,
   I of antichrist and grist,

Differ like diverse and divers,
Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.
   Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,
   Polish, Polish, poll and poll.

Pronunciation-think of Psyche!-
Is a paling, stout and spiky.
   Won't it make you lose your wits
   Writing groats and saying "grits"?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel
Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,
   Islington, and Isle of Wight,
   Housewife, verdict and indict.

Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?
   Finally, which rhymes with enough,
   Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough??


Hiccough has the sound of sup...
My advice is: GIVE IT UP!

Uncomfortable in this fast world.

On occasions I get invites to birthday parties, and other celebrations, where I expect there will be dancing, a couple of drinks, good food and a bunch of new people to meet and talk to.
It's something most would really enjoy and look forward to, I think.

I suspect most would even think I'm privileged to be so lucky I have friends who want to share their special events in my company.
But, and this may come as a surprise to many, I don't always feel like surrounding myself with people. I don't take a lot of room, you see. I am not one of those who enter a room and attract everybody's attention, some even demand that kind of commotion when they enter a room. I don't claim to be heard. I listen a lot more than I speak.
Being a good listener takes a lot of energy. It drains my energy to be attentive, and I know it will be more of an exhausting evening rather than a winding down and enjoy to the fullest.

I am one of those who really need to withdraw and absorbe the impacts I have been exposed to. I need to rewind and repeat and make my mind up about what was really said and done.
It doesn't mean I'm slow in any way. It means that I am in the habit of seeing things from different angles. I enjoy to put myself in other people's position; to mentally walk in their shoes.
Right then and there I make swift decisions, and from my stand they are, remarkably enough, the right ones most of the time.

We live in a fast world, an extrovert world, where those who speak fast and loud are paid attention to, where those who are amusing, witty and lively are those who get the network set. They promote themselves as entertaining and worth spending time and effort on.
Be heard and I tell you how skilled, capable and good looking you are.

I don't know what it's like in other cultures, but I know that western culture to a large extent values the outgoing ones a lot more than those who tend to keep more to themselves. I don't feel underestimated, mind you, I am just aware of the mainstream evaluation of people.
The extrovert versus the introvert.

I often see how fast people I regard as extrovert and outgoing become dependent on the positive feedback they get used to, and how devastating they feel the fall if they don't get the standing they expected.

I've always been the quiet type. But I also am quite confident in myself. I know who I am and what I stand for. I write a lot better than I talk (you can only imagine how bad I am at talking, then), but I always get my opinion across either way.

I know I have more than just a few strange characteristics like being quirky, eccentric, unenergetic, somewhat asocial (I love people, don't misunderstand me, I am just not very good with them in crowds), and I know many people perceive me as arrogant. luckily, my confidence has allowed me to look upon them as facets of my personality.

Actually it is rather nice to have such a rich inner life, and I know I am totally selfish when thinking like that. I give myself room to nourish my inner life; I read, write and listen; I think a lot. And I find I improve my skills to do so.
I listen to my own sounds, and thrive best when I can decide what sound I surround myself with. In a world so packed with noise, I don't really see that as a drawback. Especially young people shout when they believe they speak. I have noticed that in cartoons on TV the characters do too. I, on the other hand, love listening to music, honest conversations and silence alike.

I have a neighbor who love indie pop. During spring and summer he opens his doors and windows and turns the volume up. It really, really gets on my nerves. I tolerate it, but I admit it chases me indoors at times.

In spite of my own preferences I see the importance of living in the real world, and sometimes that means to neglect my own needs.

I thought I should find what good qualities people miss out on, when not appreciating the gentler personalities in our midst. So, here it is:

1. They create good atmosphere and whim in their environment.
2. They are good baromenters for when the atmosphere is not good enough.
3. They have a positive impact on the physical and psychological environment.
4. They have an advanced sense of coworkers' temper, strengths and weaknesses.
5. They have outstanding ability to concentrate and focus.
6. They possess an inherent high degree of disciplinarity.
7. They inherent strong values and hold strong ethical and moral standards.
8. They work through ideas and add more nuances and impacts.

Great stuff, unfortunately I can't claim to have these effects on my immediate environment. I am not really sensitive nor gentle, I'm not introvert either (actually I am, but I like to just say I'm shy to the limit of arrogance). At the end of the day I think I just challenge people's patience by being strange... BUT, I've been told I am a good friend.

Questioned good.

A couple of weeks ago Bob Geldof gathered quite a few famous artists to record another version of the "bygone", 80s hit: "Do They Know It's Christmas". Again his aim was to use music and a few good household names to raise money for a worthy cause.
This time for the benefit of ebola victims. 

When we heard this event was to take place, we knew what to come next, people are so predictable: "Humiliating", says Liberia researcher Robtel Neajai Pailey to al-jazeera.

Stars like Bono, One Direction, Sinead O'Connor, Sam Smith, Ed Sheeran, Paloma Faith and Coldplay's Chris Martin showed up in the studio in London to do their thing, and 36 hours later they were done. The CD single goes on sale December 8th.
Of course critical voices were raised:

The well-known and reputable TV channel al-Jazeera has been in contact with a number of African prominent and renowned scholars, activists and analysts questioned whether Geldof thus hanging out an entire continent as a black hole, completely unable to take care of themselves and depend on help from the rich part of the world.
- Nigeria and Senegal have had outbreaks of Ebola and handled this efficiently. As has Congo, says Abdullahi halakha, an analyst from Kenya.

He does not deny that he also believes that Ebola epidemic has been devastating, but a song recorded out of charity reasons does not solve the problem.

Robtel Neajai Pailey claims that this type of music is overbearing, redundant and out of date.

She points out that a number of artists from the Ebola-hit countries have written and published songs with a view to educate the population about ebola.

She tells Geldof to cut it out. It is great that They record and release songs to educate people, but... thing is: If an African artist, famous in Africa, releases a song which is educational about the disease and people listen and learn, and they raise money to secure research, medicines, medical personnel and additional care; Can they really afford to say no, thank you, to funds which will support and ensure further effort?

SolAbout Lemm, writes in an article that a study from 2001 showed that Bob Geldof's "Live Aid" project meant that 80 per cent of the British population only associate developing countries with poverty and misery.
I am sorry, but it is not new of date that many countries are developing countries. I refuse to believe Bob Geldof's "stunt" is what caused this perception. Western population was made aware, yes, but it was old news.

This new recording is the fastest selling song in the UK in 2014, and it sells faster and more than the original version in 1984. The online world shows its excellence in applicability; it is easy to download and play music we take an interest in. In other words: serious money are into the matter.

Isn't it flippin' annoying? Of course the cred police here at home feel the need to stand out and claim the song just isn't up to standards of good music. Too popular music never is, you know. Good, I mean.
Thank God we have people who take the task seriously and call a spade a caterpillar.
The most enthusiastic contribution here in Norway has probably come from "Dagbladet"'s music critic who gave the song a dice 1 under the heading "Totally f_ _ _ ed up!". She isn't satisfied with the artists who contribute and cuts right to the core: "What motives, those who spend their time doing this, really? They can't possibly care all the while the vocals are flat as a cookie?"

Since we are talking about glitterati artists, it is fair to wonder what the artists really care about in this project: is it the ebola or the image?" It is commonly known that when state of celebrity sinks in, the sense of empathy and social engagement runs out. Apparently, according to public scandalmongers.
And that's not all: several of the artists she has not even heard of. Why are they included in this elite of musicians? Well, all I can say is that if you are a music critic, but unwilling to follow the rising of up and coming artists, perhaps you should start writing your memoirs.

It never even crossed my mind that to feel a sense of capital liability, and spend effort, time, talent and fame to raise money in an attempt to do some good for somebody should be a bad thing.

If Ebola victims in West Africa only knew. If only they had known what lay behind the care they now receive. Had Ebola victims known that several of the artists who contributed are totally unknown to 40- and 50-year-olds in Norway, they probably would have thought twice before they agreed to get help and treatment. They would most likely go to see Doctors Without Borders (MSF), which treats people where the need is greatest. An international medical humanitarian organisation, probably run by love, care and air.

A cat-a-call.

A woman walks down the street, wearing what she considers to be ordinary clothes. It's a fine day, apparently lovely weather. She comes across as rather determined as she walks along; she doesn't stroll, she doesn't smile, she doesn't give any indication she is open for conversation.
Nevertheless she gets "catcalls".

I have learned that the "proper" dictionary some times give the general understanding of an expression, even slang, so when the Oxford Dictionaries tells me that a "Catcall" is:

"A loud whistle or a comment of a sexual nature made by a man to a passing woman:
women were the objects of catcalls when they walked by the men’s barracks.
This is mostly a stereotype, but some men shout catcalls at women on the street, especially when the men are in groups".

And the Urban Dictionary says a "Catcall" is:

"When a guy gives the wert whirl whistle or yells at a babydoll for the purpose of getting attention and in hopes of a future hookup. This is usually done out of the window of a car. Typically a Pontiac Firebird, or Camaro.
99.9% a hookup never arises and it's just the thrill that keeps these going".

I understand that it's indeed about the ancient chase of a flirty interlude, which may or may not lead to something (hopefully) memorable. Or so men, in particular, want to believe.

Of course I have talked to men, and women, about this ten-hour-documentary. Most online have some opinion about it; some more than others.
The men most often admit that some of the things they wouldnt say, but there is nothing said which seem bad to them.

I can relate to why they say that, but I also get what women say, which kind of boils down to the fact that women in many situations feel they are being objects, rather than having self value. We have struggled for quite a few years to get credit for what we know and what we can do.

When I point this out, men just give me a strartled look and go "Can't they be both?".

We all want to be appreciated for who we are, we desperately want the inner beauty phrase to be true, and when approached we want it to be genuine, you know?

I would think it would be nice to know that you have a certain beauty that men like. Yes, it is a shallow thig to say, but let's be honest: most women spend a lot of time and money to look their best, and we wish more men did the same.
Whether we go through the agony of beautifying ourselves for the sake of men or other women is disputable, but it is something we do to enhance our self esteem.  Most of what we do to ourself to feel and look great really doesn't show at all. (And when we feel it's not enough, we go to the extremes... but that's a totally different issue.)

It is a fine line, but when passers by just yell a random line at you, it feels like you are just there for their amusement, or letting steam off...

I don't like strangers to call me sexy. First of all I know it is a lie, so I get embarassed that others hear it and see my shortcoming. When called sexy in public, everybody size me up and I can literally hear their conclusion click in their heads. And it's never good.
And if I am wrong about men's intention, it doesn't matter, because it feels like they want me to feel something about myself, which isn't true... and i get cautious; almost waiting for them to throw that last line. which will be a joke on me.

On the other hand, if I knew I looked very fine, it would be a different story.... then I would straighten my back and walk that slow catwalk... If I knew how.

She is a very beautiful woman. Not just the face and the curves and the style, but she also has a posture a lot of women probably envy her. There is an aura of self esteem and strength I believe makes her even more attractive.
To be honest I really don't think the comments were all bad intentioned. Of course there is no way I can know that 100%, but I sincerely don't think they were.

What I do think is that the "10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman" started out with an agenda: To show that women get harassed and that the frequency of it is a problem. And I do agree that street harassment, when it occures, is a problem. Everybody should feel safe walking down any street, regardless of where.

And about the frequency... It's not like as if it's the same guy making the comments. There is, however, a guy walking next to her for several minutes not saying a word.... is it possible he was going the same way and that the speed was the natural speed for him to keep up? There is a chance. I'm not advocating his intentions, I am just asking if it is possible. He would have said something if he wanted to approach her, right?

There is a fine line between what we call compliments, a pick up line and what we perceive as harassment. I don't think anybody would perceive "Hey, beautiful" as harassment at a bar (... with the possible exception of if you were a mob wife and called Renee).

A friend of mine updated his status on Facebook:

"I really like the honey-flavored Jim Beam bourbon, but it's somewhat awkward buying it at the liquor store. Whenever the clerk asks me what I want and I say, "Jim Beam Honey," she thinks I'm asking her out."

I commented upon that saying: "Well, next time you should play along and have a coffee"

Little did I know that someone would come and torpedo my good intentions by adding the comment: "If she is a "looker" and receptive, go for it."

Okey... does that mean I would be worth asking out only if I were beautiful?
This, this right here.... the words you just read right now is the core of the problem:

We listen to people talk, but we only hear what we want to hear. We deliberately fail to misunderstand eachother correctly. We all have a lot to say, but we don't all know how to express it politically correct.
Maybe all men should start wearing a hat, and when expressing admiration, they should smile a little smile and greet the woman by touching the rim of his hat while keeping eye contact.

When people for some reason happen to say things out loud, and we feel it is the wrong timing, and they caught us in the wrong mood, we turn hostile.
Same phrase, different time and different place can make us smile and feel good about ourselves. But how to know?

Are the callings coming her way of sexual nature? I am not quite convinced. You could say she looks a bit sad, as she's walking along; maybe there is a chance some just wanted to cheer her up?Are the comments made out of genuine interest and good will? There is no way I can know that.

Best thing for you to do, if you want to avoid me snapping at you, is as following: when you think about wanting me to smile, you just whistle to yourself.

Word has it being busy is not a requirement.

I love words. I memorize and collect them. Still have to admit I'm not very good at using them, but I keep them, kind of savour their meaning and look for a perfect opportunity to really let the word carry the importance of my statement. I never really have that moment. Just like Meg Ryan in the movie "You Got Mail" from 1998, I come up with beautiful and eloquent replies which could have made even Shakespeare weep with admiration. Not untill both the moment and the person has long left, though. Doesn't do me much good then.

Being this balmy and corky has, of course, a lot of downsides to it. I read and hear use of language which make me burst into unintentional giggles, totally inappropriate, of course, and yet unintentional puns created by poor knowledge of language is very funny. Most likely this is a personality flaw created over time and related to occupational hazard.
I am the one likely to put up additional signs to emphasize what is wrong in a statement (This is
also how I often correct papers my students hand in... seems like as if they then get it, rather than me talking about lack of prepositions.)

Unfortunate sentences and use of the wrong word is one thing, we all still get what is meant, even though most people say expresso, instead of espresso.

Words changes meaning too. I still like to think that being gay is to be merry and cheerful. However, sometime back it turned into a sexual preference... and therefor also, I am sorry to say, an invective. There are numerous examples like that. Not only do I risk making a total laugh out of myself as soon as I open my mouth, it is also very confusing.
I have no idea why totally good and solid words with long linguistic traditions should suddenly be something totally different. I don't even understand how that can happen? How do you "plant" and reprogram a word in an entire same-language-speakers' community... let alone world? How is it done?

What whizard performed the consulting? and who acted as communications advisor?
Very cleverly done! I don't like what you did, but it was a master plan executed to perfection.

There is maybe one other thing I dislike even more about today's common use of language: I don't like how some words are being used to make yourself look better and your conduct more presentable.

An example on that is the word "busy". It is such a worn out word, and it's lost its meaning. I mean; I some times claim I'm in a stress mess, but I don't regard that to be the same thing as being busy. Not anymore. Not after I discovered how some people abuse the term.

To be busy has become an excuse which allows you to get away from anything:
I can't talk, I am busy.
I can't do that now, I'm busy.
I don't have time, I'm busy.
I'm sorry, I can't come, I'm busy.
And you know what? We respect being busy so much, that any further explanation is neither asked about, nor offered.

Some people are so busy it makes my head spin. It must be so hard to recognize  one's own thoughts when all the doings and appointments clash into a cacophony of busyness. There is a LOT of activity, but in all honesty there really isn't all that much action. Or...?

It makes me feel stressed out, and some times I struggle and feel guilty because of the way I feel and think about other people. You know, those unwelcome comments which whisper to you inside your head: "Why does she say on the phone she is busy? We are drinking coffee, for crying out loud!" And then it strikes me: she is busy because she spends her time on me.  At the end of the day there is a chance she does hurry, it's just that she doesn't rush.

To make days add up it's almost a demand to be on top and keep an overview of what happens to, and around, each and every family member. And then comes the feeling of being overworked and overwhelmed by the demands at work and at home.
You may be able to work a few 60-hour weeks, but eventually you will be so burnt out that you lose the ability to be creative and innovative. Without that you have no joy or pleasure left in what you are doing.

Holding on by my fingernails through every day, trying to work crazy hours, not only being good at what I do, but strife for great and amazing. Then at home I try to be supermom baking homebaked cakes and cupcakes and cookies, staying up untill 2am to get bakeries done and planning tomorrow and grading papers.

And yet; even though I work as if though my hair is on fire I feel like nothing gets done, ever. The feeling of being unproductive and inadequate is always present.
I have bought into the culture of busy.

We hustle and buffle and create a lot of drama and draw attention to everything we have to do.
And yes, we all claim to be busy with conviction, but do we really do it all?

Yes, I do struggle making days and things add up. But in all honesty: When I listen to what I'm saying and see what I actually do; things are not quite as it seems.

I am not remotely as busy as people think.
Half of it all just doesn't get done. If noone is crying, noone or nothing smells bad, and we are both full and warm enough, I am at peace with the state of things.

It's about time I stop bragging about how busy I am.
The busyness we claim to be a victim of isn't really being busy, most times it is an expression to illustrate the list of options we choose from.
Is it fair to say that we suffer more from having to prioritize, than actually do a whole lot on limited time?

I choose not to be busy. It doesn't mean I don't have a lot to do all the time: for example kids to drop off, bring, help, listen to... but I, as an adult, can choose not to define that as being busy: I can define it as being present.


Yeaah.... I fell for this one. And yes, I spent at least 40 seconds.

cards on notes... or notes on cards.

Every day I pick up my mail, and every time I get equally distressed. The mailbox is filled with commercial leaflets and bills, and apart from the newspaper, which arrives sometime during the night, that’s what’s in my mail.

I know the newspaper arrives around 3am ‘cause I “sometimes” am still up at the time. I pick it up on my way back in the house after walking my dog in the morning, and I always plan on reading it while drinking that first, food for soul cup of coffee. Being optimistic about it is more than half the fun of it; time flies in the morning and I rarely get time to neither coffee nor newspaper.

Not only does my mail add industrial amount of paper; it is also somewhat depressing. Commercials and bills: It’s like the only attention I get, is from those who want money from me.

It used to be different, though.

“It was customary to send important notices with traditional electric telegraphy, seriously developed by the American Samuel Morse in the 1840s, Mediterra-1800s until the technique was gradually replaced by telex until the 1970s, since fax and today’s various types of electronic messaging services, including email and text messages. The sender usually ordered telegram over the phone or directly in the expedition into a telegraph station and paid a fee that varied with the number of words and the distance to the receiver. The message was sent to the receiving station, was printed and delivered to the addressee by a messenger, and later on, mail or telephone bids. The method was much faster than old-fashioned letter postal services.

The Norwegian Telegrafvæsen opened Norway's first civilian telegraph line in 1855. The first telegram between Europe and the United States was exchanged in 1858. (Wikipedia)

Telegrams. The feeling when a stranger knocked on your door and handed you a friendly envelope. It’s pretty special, I tell you. I have my parents’ congratulation telegrams from their wedding. Adorned with a carefully painted flower and the Norwegian crest it looks like something somebody put some effort into, even though it’s typed on a typewriter  with glass keys.

Seeing them now with the characteristic print which typing machines left, brings the sound, the click, of each pounding to my ear and the smell of old paper imaginary(?) hovering in the room.

Now most of us barely think of anything to write to congratulate someone for any reason. We tend to use our digital platforms, like email, text or Facebook, Twitter… or any other digital, already made, easy to click platform to show we remember their occasion. We, in return, click the like button. I am not saying that social medias are insignificant or without value as a forum, not at all: I send most of my birthday greetings on facebook, adding a birthday song and a “Happy birthday!” carefully picked from youtube.

Or, we order seasonal cards with picture and text printed, and we send it off to family and friends only adding the address on the envelope… unless we send it by mail or text.

Then we are a few who believe in the old fashioned way of doing things.

I make about 70 easy-to-make-papercraft Christmas cards every year. The one time a year I make an effort. I have to admit they look at best questionable, but they are made by yours truly (with help from my kids, of course), and the writing is in my own handprint. I don’t even know what people think of them, apart from they remember they got it.

And yet, I know I should be a lot better at expressing my appreciation by sending a note. Not only because I, myself, feel it’s a highlight of the day to get something handwritten and personal in the mail, but I also feel it hard to express appreciation which very often is taken as awkward, mooshy blah, blah..  I am terrible at accepting help, I am almost just as bad at saying thank you.

A journalist I know told me he sends thank-you notes to those who help with election votes. When I asked why, he told me that:

“Sometimes I may send an email, but I have a box of thank you notes with the paper's logo on it. I send to the election people because we're always on such a tight deadline and the pressure is bad. They help out tremendously.

I may just jot off a quick "Thank you for your help. It made my job a lot easier and less stressful. I appreciate it." and then I put my name, etc.

I figure they get complaints a lot since they are public servants and deal with people a lot. So, a written thank you is something they can see and pass to other workers. Helps morale and it helps me because they will remember that and help me again next time”. (And guess what, when I say "told me" I am referring to a chat on a social media. I never heard his voice!)

Jimmy Fallon is known to write thank-you notes on “The Tonight Show” every week. 

OK, so his routine is a hoot; a joke that nevertheless points up the truth that some of the boring stuff your parents made you do never actually goes out of fashion. We are all familiar with thank you notes, and their purpose, even though it is not an everyday issue in our house or in the family.

I find sending thank you notes so sympathetic, and though it might be something people did back in the old days, it doesn’t mean it is old fashioned or out dated. In a digital world, it is so incredibly important to have the dignity to sit down and write something in your own hand. It adds emotions. You know when people say: it’s not personal; it’s business. What a stupid thing to say, it only proves that we have lost the willingness or ability to take into consideration that people we deal with have feelings, and sometimes it is very personal to them. They might have gone out of their way to benefit you. Then a text just doesn’t cut it. Conveying emotion in digital formats is a lost cause.

Let people understand they have been noticed, they have been seen. There is nothing silly, old fashioned or outdated about it, on the contrary: I strongly believe that people through history has done a lot of smart and kind things. Some made life easier, some made others feel better about themselves, and they knew this is a good circle to be in: what goes around, comes around.