Me on the bus... I wish not.

I don't take the bus very often. Actually, most times I'm on a bus it's very late at night, and I'm on my way home from one of those rare occations out.
Not long ago I was out, celebrating a coworker who chose to bid off, abandon the rat race and retire.
It's late, not many passengers, and the passengers onboard all looked pretty tired and ready to find the calmness of home.

Did I mention I don't take the bus often? Well, I discovered why!
As we were driving along, a way too cheerful and very polite voice announced the approach of the next busstop.

After passing 6 busstops, noone exiting, noone entering the bus it started to really annoy me. It felt like enervating nagging. Half ways home I was seriously considering to get off the bus and walk the last 8 kilometers.
Not only was there a voice to tell me where I was at all times: there was a lit sign showing the last and the next stop, announcing each change on the sign with a loud "Ding!"

Seriously! It's Norway! If you follow the road you are not very likely to get lost. Not unless you decide to walk across a field and climb a mountain. The only way to go is forward, and if you are really adventurous you can go back.

I do understand, and appreciate, the metalic voice announcing which stop is next on the underground in London... and San Fransisco (the only two undergrounds/Bart I have ever been on), but there we are talking about options, directions, and several hundred passengers who have to prepare and be ready to exit and/or enter within seconds.

Here, in Norway, we are in no rush... not in comparison, anyway.
Here the driver will come help with your luggage, or even tell you when to get off if you ask him to do so when you buy the ticket.

The voice I don't understand. I just keep thinking: "Why?"
When i take the bus I want to relax and let my thoughts wander. I want to see someone and let my imagination spin on a story.
I want to drift off into entertaining fantacies. In short: I want to lean back, relax... perhaps even doze off... and let the driver drive me home.

"Show me the way to go home.
I'm tired and I want to go to bed...."

The Agony of Misplaced Idealism.

It's not easy to travel with teenagers. I have children with a span of 6 years between them, and I find I spend a lot of time figuring out how to satisfy and combine everybody's wants. Of course, at the time when we got them, we didn't know this would be a challenge. We were just happy they were absolutely gorgeous and cute and adorable. Little did we realize they would grow into mindstrong individuals... not to mention: TEENAGERS!
At home we have lots of rooms and doors; when on holiday that is not a priority. After all: we go on holiday to spend quality time together, right?

A few years back we invited our oldest son's friend to join us to the Middle East. It turned out a great success. The two friends were totally content having a peer, with mutual interests and priorities, around as a fellow allied. One of the standout causes they insisted on including to their list of what teens MUST do when on holiday was (and I have to admit this was our biggest challenge) their sleeping habits.
No matter how early or late they went to bed, they slept through the best hours of the day, every day.
We didn't get to go anywhere untill after lunch, which was sometimes very annoying and a stressfactor. By pure luck we stayed at a hotel with a nice pool the first week, and then we stayed for two weeks at a holiday resort with all facilities available. So while the young and the hopeful had their long sleep, we got a tan and learned how to swim.
And yet, when they DID get up: The patience they showed our two youngest sons was admirable.

Once they were up they were ready to go places and explore. Never even asking if we had any plans, they would stand by the door, hand on the handle and ask: "So? Are you not ready yet?" They loved to bargain at the market in old Jerusalem, they enjoyed and played in pools and the ocean, they played cards with the rest of the family and wandered through numerous, ancient ruins as well as experienced the adventures of other typical tourist "traps".
So, I swallowed my annoyance and took pleasure in beautiful, well behaved kid, when we went for another adventure in fascinating Israel.

Before we left home, we totally agreed on no internet. Quality time together, remember? I even deliberately left my laptop at home, bringing only my tablet.
It's all very good, and noone neither argued nor complained about it, except...: I am not very good at sleeping.

I have been thoroughly exposed in that aspect, due to social medias. People can see when I am online, and comment upon it. What they are doing online at those godforsaken hours I never ask, but since I've heard the comments so often, I find it annoying. If you wonder what I am doing online at late hours ask me then and there, don't bring it up three days later after having pondered and wondered and created possible scenarios about it.
Going on holidays, especially in summertime, is really the worst time to pull through my sleepless hours.

Small living units like holiday apartments really aren't suitable for me time. The slightest sound might wake up the rest of the family, and they all are sound sleepers who need their full eight hours, or more.
I have a wonderful tablet, but even with an external keyboard it really isn't a good tool for me when it comes to writing. And writing is more or less what I find appealing doing when I can't go online and I have read all the books I brought, and the book I bought yesterday was read last night.
Candy Crush is captivating for limited time only.

So I tip toe around the flat, wondering what to do. Lurking like a neurotic thief, anxious if I should bump into a light chair (which would cause a deafening noice scraping two inches across the floor) or the squeek of a door.
When we arrive I always listen and learn the sounds of a room: which door squeeks when, which step in the staircase creaks, can I hear water running in the next room?

Going for a walk is always an option, but my family doesn't feel comfortable knowing I am wandering about in the streets alone at dusk. I could lie, of course. Thing is, though: people have dogs, and dogs bark when they hear footsteps not supposed to pass their property... believe me, I have tried, and I still shrink with bad conscience thinking about the light which was turned on in a window upstairs. And what if someone called in an emergency call, stating a delusional, very confused woman is on the loose? You never know, right? And by the way; who would I tell? No wifi and Facebook really isn't an option, not untill we get to a cafe or something, and by then it is too late. The novelty of my soulful "me time" is gone.
Not to mention what my selfie would look like: no make up, no sane hairdo... much like a normal mug-shot. That is what happens when you delay your morning shower because you want to avoid hissing in the pipes this early.

I love silence. It is my favourite sound, and I can listen to the silence for a very long time, but I have discovered it is not so calming and certainly not such a relief, when I am overly aware of how I disturb the universe.
So there I go, the only thing left to do is to sit on the balcony, drink coffee, try to write on my tablet and curse my excellent idea of depriving the kids from the internet, online gaming, streaming movies and chats.

Arduous Riding a Bicycle

This is a  picture I found online.
My brother had a deep purple bike like this.

I learned how to ride a bike standing under the bar on my brother's racerbike.
I must have been about 5 years old, so I fit pretty fine... even though my knees touched my chest and my bum hit the bar, every time one of the pedals peaked on top. The sight of me like this on the bike, noticeably concentrating, must have been pretty hilarious, but back then I just didn't care. I don't think something like what it looked like even crossed my mind. It was all about doing and achieving. I was thrilled by the speed. The warm feeling of self esteem, which runs through your entire body when mastering new skills, made me feel a year older, every time I could sneak away and go for a swift ride.
Of course I was not allowed; not because it was dangerous, but because my brother didn't want me to damage his deep purple, quite pricy, wonder. Back then a racer bike was still rare and unusual.

I used to push the bike uphill, to the barn, and then I would charge downhill, standing on the pedals, round the barn, on a rather poor, gravelled carriage way. When I reached the asphalted main road I would start pedaling. The speed was breaknecking, I couldn't reach the breaks. I was like Superman; stretching far in a primitive cage. Thanks to drivers with excellent reaction I am here to tell you this.

You have to love those old fashioned ladies' bikes.
This picture also from the internet.

My sister and mother shared a red ladies' bike. I didn't use that much. The seat hurt my lumbar when I pedaled, which is a pity, because you would break when pushing the pedals backwards. It could have been a slightly safer alternative than the crazed ride I was in habit for.

Oh well, finally, my 10th birthday. When in the 4th grade we were allowed to start riding a bike to school. A rule which in many places is still current. During the previous years we had to walk, but now we were allowed to ride a bike. Oh the joy, the expectation, the pure excitement of rising in the ranks. We would now enter the league of older pupils.


My parents had promised me a bike for forever, and I knew I would get one. Of course I would: I needed one to go to school!
All my friends and peers had gotten a silver ladies' racer bike, with gears. (At that age boys are not taken any notice of, not back then anyway; they had "boy-cooties". Whatever bike they had didn't matter.)

I was out on the fields, when I heard the family car back up in the farmyard. The new, dark brown Saab went silent, and I ran as fast as I could downhill to be there when they opened the trunk. I wanted to be there when the wonder was revealed.
It was my 10th birthday. I still remember the run, my border collie, Nell, was dancing around my feet as we ran.
I heard the cardoor open, I heard it shut. I was almost there.
Almost out of breath I got there in time, leaning slightly over to get the full view of the trunk when it was opened. And there it was: A brand new bike. All mine!

Hey, wait a minute... this was all wrong! I asked my dad where my bike was? "Silly you, this is your
bike. Isn't it nice?" "But it's not like the bike my friends got." I could feel my throat choking up. "No, this is different, I know. This is even better! This is a really solid bike; this will never be broken".

I don't even know if this bike has a name in English, in Norwegian it is called a "kombi sykkel" (= combined bike).
It was dark green, tiny tires, no gears and I was the only kid at school having one.
I can still taste the disappointment.
Later on another girl at school got one too, which I thought was pretty neat, cause then there were two of us at the far back when on a bikeride with the class.

I went everywhere on that bike, for years. I settled with the bike knowing it was that bike, or no bike at all.
And we became good friends, the bike and I. I still have it stored in the barn at the farm. My brother promised me he would keep it untill I come and get it. I might restore it, just for sentimental reasons... or maybe as a reminder to be grateful for what you got, even when it is really, really difficult.

13 years ago, after two pregnancies, I gained quite a few kilos. Having one son eager to ride his bike, and a 1-year old in a pram, I decided to buy a bike. I got myself a lovely, white ladies' bike with a basket up front and a children's bicycle seat at the back. I even got my first helmet! Both my kids loved our trips to the store. My thighs ached and my back hurt, but I was riding a new bike, my hair was waving in the wind and I was loving it!

I got a flat tyre, and had to fix it... after I put the tools away. When I got back outside my bike was gone. Stolen! My neighbor's fashionable, hitech, alloy bike was still parked outside his house, but mine was gone.
The lock was cut and left behind.

Some people are loyal enough to stick with their motivations. I am not one of them.
It took me years to get a new bike.

So, I got myself a new bike. Apart from the occasional bikeride with my kids, I left it alone. Standing in a corner in the yard with soft tyres and the bicycle chain turning more and more the colour of fall.

Now, on the other side of the world a man, not in the best of shape, got a bright idea about two years ago, or so.
Suddenly he posted pictures of himself on facebook with very revealing bicycle gear. You know: the proper shirt tight as sausage skin, bicycle shorts, helmet and a very impressive bike.
The pictures he posts show impressive mileage and a steadily firmer appearance.
The other day I sent him a message:
- You weren't this keen on riding a bicycle a couple of years ago.. mid life crisis? Bored?
The reply came swiftly: - Fuck off! and yes. I am so fit and loving it. Lost 30 kgs.

30 kgs. I could do with a weightloss like that.
Unfortunately my son refuses to let me ride my bike without a helmet, so I have finally bought one. One of these days it will arrive in the mail.


I can't wait! I love this!


And I am saving up to buy the bike of my dreams.

With the right equipment I'll look dashing in no time!

After all; we all know the right gear is what it takes to make a lifechangeing effort!

Good enough is perfect

Every day I see, meet and talk with lovely, young people. Most of them are young men, still uncertain of their ways, not confident enough to straighten their back to the full length, but I see there is a lot of potential.

There is something beautiful about youth. The kind of beauty you don't acknowledge, or realize. There is this inherent doubt that it will never be good enough anyway, no matter what. Literature describes it as an amazing flower still a bud. Which is actually a very appropriate description: Regardless of their baggage and background they have not yet reached the full potential of all the facets they hold as a person.
Some say: "I have seen it all. There is nothing you can say or show me I haven't heard or seen before". Usually, they have not yet seen, felt, experienced or heard the finer things in life. They think about life as tough, and the world is a rough place to hang out.

I am grateful I will never be a teenager again. It is a lot of work to be young. Young people are so opiniated; eager to share their headstrong knowledge and logic. They oppose, argue, negotiate... especially negotiate. EVERYTHING is up for negotiation, they think. And most of us adults fall into the trap and actually participate and play along.
Young people stretch the borders. They seek borders to be guided, only to find us, the adults, just as bewildered.
They want to be protected, often, to my surprise, from themselves. They want us, the adults, to carry the responsebility and hold the right answers.

They are conserned and worry about the future, they try to figure out their values and react to unfairness, but most of all they worry about coming too short. Demands are too many and often too much since noone really prepared them for the expectations they would face later in life.

I know I spent a lot of my young years being insecure. When I had the chance to be wild and vast and free, I found myself wondering, almost at a halt, in a crossroad trying to figure out what direction I should choose. My insecurity so overwhelming it battled my courageous attempt to be a person with values I could be proud of.
I felt like an ugly duckling, knowing I would always stay an ugly outsider, and never be a swan.
I have pictures. Pictures from school: Early 80s and they all wear something dark blue and have a really straight haircut... I am wearing a red jacket, totally out of fashion. And I have shaggy hair pointing in all directions. And I am the only one smiling. Back then I felt it hard to stand out; to be the one always different. Today I look at the picture and see: in spite of everything, I had a beautiful smile.

Being young is brutal. You manage, fix, cope and master; friends fail and let you down. Love passes just as easilly as it occured. Parents and society are pushing and pulling in all directions, not allowing time to take a breath and think things over... you are just carried on, not really following the flow, just unable to fight it.

Being youth passes. As do being a young adult. Suddenly, almost like by magic, you look around and realize you are no longer insecure, you are given more space, it is no longer a punishment to take on responsebility for your own actions.
The bud will bloom and turn into a beautiful flower, not always a rose, not even a sunflower or a tulip, but ever so beautiful in its imperfection.
Maybe not a perfect adult, but perfect for someone.

Across The Universe

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me.........

....Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
They call me on and on across the universe

Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box

They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe

Jai Guru Deva OM....

.....Sounds of laughter, shades of life are ringing through my open ears
Inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on, across the universe.....

John Lennon