My Valentine

It's just been that time of year, when people of all ages in the USA focus on hearts, cards and flowers. Valentine's Day, February 14.

Here, Valentins day is really no big deal.... actually only shops try to make us mark the day in a kind of special way... and they do a good job at it, but we don't have the tradition, the mentality or the confident awareness of what it should be like to be really a marking of a romantic evening.

Looking at my American friends, and Americans in general's postings on social medias, I have to wonder if all the pouting from unsatisfied girlfriends and the chase for good enough love tokans is worth it?

The pictures posted on facebook and instagram makes me really wonder if spending time together is such a rare occasion that it is crusial to pose, and take the picture of a happy couple... and then make the meal last forever by posting the picture of the plate served... before you start eating. I can only imagine the scenery and the conversation as the upheaven takes place.

I probably should admit that secretly I feel a tiny bit envious on these couples making an effort to revive romance in their relationship. It is special to dress up and set off an entire evening to the mission of making the other significant partner feel special.

Hours, days, weeks, months, years pass by so quickly, and in the midst of everyday most of us are really not good at saying something extra nice to the one we love. We don't create that special setting to show off what's in our hearts. We don't spend time planning how to please the other one the most.

But: we live, eat, talk, laugh, frown, fall asleep on the couch, watch TV, do the laundry, and all the "nothings" that make up our days.

We forget to talk, to communicate, with one another. I know it's easy to think "He knows me by now, he should know this without me saying", but when we stop talking, and telling, it is easy to think we stop caring. We get caught in a cycle of discontent, and nothing grows as solid and durable as that.

Some times the nicest thing we do to eachother all day is hold in that instant harsh comment so totally uncalled for, and yet so tempting to make.

All marriages, any relationship, actually, have their ups and down. It's easy to say "Never give up", but sometimes all you really want is to get away. Maybe not for good, but for a while. Just to get some space to breath and be yourself. But the words "I'm leaving" holds room for interpretations we never intended.

The things he or she did, which you once thought cute, just turn annoying because we tried to change our partner into more like us. We want things done the way we do them.

I, for one, struggle with this. I think I give him the slack he needs to bother do what he sees needs to be done. And (this is something I am rather proud of) I don't follow him around and straighten up the things I feel should have been done differently. If he dresses the kids, I don't make him change their jumper because I feel another one would be more appropriate or fitting. I don't fold the towels again; the right way. I let him clean the floor without pointing out the spots he misses out...
Most of the time. But I struggle. Especially since I am alone with the kids two or three weeks at a time. And then he comes home from work, and reign the house on his own during daytime and messes up all the routines and order I have created during his absence.

To stand corrected no matter how hard you try can be really discouraging. We, especially women I am sad to say, tend to forget that. And when he does nothing we complain about that too. Oh, that was such a bad thing of me to write, but I see many couples struggle with issues like that. In all fairness: we do too.

So, we don't go out on Valentine's Day, if he ever brought me flowers on any day of the week (or weekend) I would get suspicious wondering what he had been up to. Even though I love chocolate I would feel fat if he bought me any... unless it's a special occasion there is no winning.

The little things we do: the stroke on his back as he passes by, the "hi, how was your day?", the dinner on the table, soup or any other in-a-pot-dish reheated, straight from the freezer in the store, the eager to do the laundry, even though it always makes me feel like I have gained weight because they shrunk two sizes...

When we stop and think and realize the little things we do to show we care it means so much more to our relationship than a planned day out to show our friends how much we invest in our life together... (the long sentence only illustrating the length of my marriage...ehm)

BUT, that being said: it would have been nice to have one night out a year, in the name of old fashioned courting... you know... just because.