With help from friends

A friend of mine is suffering from manic depression. The other day she posted this message on facebook:

“Hey, just want to say that I immensely appreciate the support, encouragement and comfort I get when days are really low... relax; today I'm not looking for praise, I'm fine (but bad days will appear again for sure, it’s just how I’m assembled).

There is one thing I want to ask though (and remember that I am super grateful and do not want to hurt anyone!) But please never say "Breathe deeply, breeeaaaaathe…”

This just reminds me about when I was in labour and my oldest kid was to be born. He spent unlikely long hours before he dared to face the world. When I was offered Nitrous oxide, (what a wonderful positive word), who in their right mind refuse something like that? I got a mask to breathe through,  it was attached to a hose which was attached to a gas thingy ... and when they turned it on the sound Bzzzzzzz  sounded all the time; it didn’t stop! I tried to ignore it and took some harsh stomach deductions to maybe be able to laugh a little in spite of everything. I thought at first that it was the sound that made me not feel the effect (and I don’t think I was very eloquent when I threw it away. My husband saw his chance to try it too, but he didn’t get particularly cheerful: he remained as ghastly and pale as he was before he breathed through the mask ...... So, if I hyperventilate, or forget to breathe, do not say "Breathe deeply, breeeaaaaathe…”, please”.

I so totally get that… I think(?). She is aware that she has quite a few wonderful friends out there, who want nothing but what is best for her, but sometimes when we are really down we are just not capable of listening to good advice. Especially not from people who don’t really know what it is like, but have learned the good techniques from textbooks or movies. And to most that is the only point of reference they have.

Sometimes we just need to feel it is ok to be with someone without talking. Sometimes we need to get things out and just cry until we are exhausted… and foetal position is really seriously underestimated. Sometimes we need to be alone. Most of all we need to be sure that whatever happens in the room stays in the room, until we decide to tell the world ourselves.

I am not manic myself. Actually, I am so calm it is annoying to others at times. But I have family members and friends who suffer from this unpredictable mental suffering. Not only do you suffer from extreme highs and lows, but you can never really be sure when life again turns upside-down and everything you planned was just that: a plan. A plan you are incapable of going through with or execute.

Good friends are really important when that happens. To be down, without really knowing why, is quite stressful. The knowledge of how you put others down because you can’t cope makes it worse.

Good friends will want to help, and the notion of friends still being around is to great help! But, what if you do your best, doing and saying whatever the textbooks and movies told you should be done and said, and it just turns out to be a situation where you are brushed off? You get insecure and withdraw from that person, reluctantly, because you get the feeling you are not good for your friend who suffer.

Being brave enough to say: Yes, I immensely appreciate the support, encouragement and comfort I get when days are really low, but please help me on my own terms, is maybe the best token of friendship anyone can give his/her friends.