Live to work vs work to live.

Some times I feel like work is just taking over. I am sure many people have this feeling, when family, friends, interests and life in general just end up way down on the priority list of things to pay attention to.

The situation  put me confronted with a dilemma I really have no solution to: I work and get paid to provide my kids with a good life. While doing so, I feel bad because I realize I neglect the quality time I should have spent with them.

We should do things together like going on outings, cinema, eat out, explore nature and activities. We should laugh together a lot more and have good talks about mutual experiences and how come life is the way it is. I should have created situations where telling them the things my parents told me about life and how things work was a factor which brought us together. In short: to continue the family legacy.

I get things done, don’t misunderstand me, I do the laundry, prepare and cook meals, make sure the kids get to their spare time activities on time, make sure homework is done and get them to bed... But I never seem to climb any further on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs than to the second step. Looking at the model it is rather depressing knowing I do not really get to fulfill what science think is essential to a person.

The things I used to enjoy doing, like designing clothes and bags and sewing them, to draw and paint, to have friends over for supper, just because it was an ordinary Wednesday (No special occation needed, just the notion that a sandwich tastes so much better when eaten together with friends seated around the table)... I just never have the energy or time to do them.

I can’t really remember when I did something like that last. I can’t remember when I just sat still absorbed in my own thoughts and own doing either. I would so love to feel happy and satisfied, rather than just content.

I like to think I have a strong sense of reality. The alternative is too frightening. I understand that through defined periods of life some preferences must be set aside and postponed. Yet, to understand the fact, and live by the notion, really does nothing to comfort me.

I so wish I was better at combining a demanding job and a private life. I love my job, don’t get me wrong, even though it is too absorbing timewise. Even more: I love my family to pieces and want to be able to provide them with the best possible circumstances. I just sometimes feel I live to work, rather than work to have a living, and I feel guilty about it.

I wonder if that makes me a bad person?