There was this plan, in my head I would be different from what I was forced by circumstances to be when I was young.
As an adult I would be bold, wild, vast and free, and because I had the choice to be all that, I would be happy with where I at all times were.
That is not at all how I turned out to be. Maybe I was before, maybe I'll be again, but right now I am just discontent and ungrateful. Oh, I felt my eyes twitching right now.
I sulk over whatever I find unpleasant in my life. I accept being a pathetic shadow of who I deep down believe I am.
In spite of knowing this I don't deal with my present, I ignore my hidden resources. I don't ignore and raise above the trifle hickups which serve as pebbles in my shoes. I don't face up to, or do anything constructive to make me capable to gather enough energy to turn my grumpyness around.
The sad part of it all is that to blame everything and everybody other than myself is like an instinct in me when I am frustrated. My best defence and excuse is to acquit myself.
Of course I know that at the end of the day my discontent is nobody else's fault but my own, but I don't like to recognize my own failures. Maybe I have too many, maybe I would be overwhelmed by my shortcomings, maybe I just happen to like living in a bubble of artificial selfconfidence: "It's not me, it's you!"
I would have to do some admissions and introspections to change my mood and point of view, which I'm not ready to do, yet.
Instead of admitting to I should show more engagement, initiative and interest, I wrap myself in self pity and rest my case in blaming uncontrolled circumstances.
That's really not who I am. I know what made me like this, and yet I avoid taking grip of my life.
Steve Harvey has repeatedly stated that to be successful you need to jump.
That's really not who I am. I know what made me like this, and yet I avoid taking grip of my life.
When you jump, you take a leap of faith, and place yourself into that insecure state of "the unknown".
It's been too long since I acted or placed myself out of my comfort zone. I used to be good at it when I was younger.
Now I have too many good reasons to stay where I am at.
I am aware of the fact that inside the comfort zone nothing happens; we deal with same old because we know what we have, but not what we might have.
The minute you do something out of normal, something extra ordinary will happen. Funny thing about extra ordinary: it's usually very good! Extra ordinary brings something new and by that also the possibility to adjust to a better situation. Yet, I (like most others) still try to avoid it.
I used to think that each their own forger of a good life. To be honest: I still believe that is true, but back then my strongest characteristic was to be creative.
My life was veiled in colours, sounds, actions and design. Hah, as induvidual and free I would like to call my past self, I was the typical, average creative person. Such an oxymoron, isn't it; to put creativity traits in a box.
Today, after pondering on my own discontent, I realized something important: I gave in a while back. Some time along the way I settled for good enough, rather than chasing my dreams. I suppressed a lot of my creativity blaming the stress mess I was caught in.
I am a quiet, calm person. It doesn't mean I'm not opinionated. I used to be a champ at achieving my goals.
It's been too long since I acted or placed myself out of my comfort zone. I used to be good at it when I was younger.
Now I have too many good reasons to stay where I am at.
I am aware of the fact that inside the comfort zone nothing happens; we deal with same old because we know what we have, but not what we might have.
The minute you do something out of normal, something extra ordinary will happen. Funny thing about extra ordinary: it's usually very good! Extra ordinary brings something new and by that also the possibility to adjust to a better situation. Yet, I (like most others) still try to avoid it.
I used to think that each their own forger of a good life. To be honest: I still believe that is true, but back then my strongest characteristic was to be creative.
My life was veiled in colours, sounds, actions and design. Hah, as induvidual and free I would like to call my past self, I was the typical, average creative person. Such an oxymoron, isn't it; to put creativity traits in a box.
Today, after pondering on my own discontent, I realized something important: I gave in a while back. Some time along the way I settled for good enough, rather than chasing my dreams. I suppressed a lot of my creativity blaming the stress mess I was caught in.
I am a quiet, calm person. It doesn't mean I'm not opinionated. I used to be a champ at achieving my goals.
By that I mean I thought I was chasing and achieving my goals.
What I was really doing was getting an education, a lot of it! I took so many degrees nobody will hire me now. I am too qualified, with tons of formal qualifications, tons and tons of prior learning experience, but no formal leader experience documented on paper. Still, I have the skills, habits and conduct of a leader.
I am too educated to be employed as a teacher in a new school now; I am too expencive. I am stuck where I work today. How pathetic is that?
The minute I got a family of my own, my goal was to create a happy and safe home for my family.
I went to the extremes and even planned what to do to maintain my kids' lifestyle and standard if my husband died. And I planned how my passing away will not affect their way of life too much.
Growing up I learned nobody must know. Some secrets you keep, so that others can have dignity and pride. If I was on top of things, I could prevent bad things to happen to others.
I did the expected thing and created a solid home for my family, while covering every possible outcome of disaster.
Now a lot of people are no longer part of, or even in, my life. In addition my young ones are more independent than they were. I have been a toddler's mom for 19 years. Getting used to I am not needed as much anymore, is hard to do.
A silent major change has taken place, and I didn't pay attention. Instead of becoming a freer person, I find myself in a position where I confuse opportunities lost with opportunities found.
The funny thing is: everybody else in my circle are really content. They really appreciate having the opportunity to choose freely what they want to make of themselves, and what to do.
So why am I stuck in the habit of limiting myself? Why do I feel my interests, wants and needs are not important enough to pursue?
My pondering made me realize that it's not reality which keeps me in a state of thinking how my actions will affect others in bad ways. There are no reasons why me changing focus should in any way give other people a hard time.
In my mind I create discussions on weather or not I should do something; if it is safe or not to change something because it would feel, look or perhaps work better. Often it's a matter of improving things, not repair them because they need fixing.
It's in many ways the same procedure I go through when it comes to throw something away; I deal with each item and detail as if it is of major importance, even though I deep down it isn't. The urge to keep, just in case I maybe need it some time in the future, is strong and inherited from my mother. (Yes, I blame her. She grew up during the war, and knows how to make use of what you have, and then recycle.) I know this, and yet it is so hard to ignore the voices telling me to keep it, keep it!
One of my all time wants, is to travel. I don't feel I get to travel and explore new places the way I want. Our family vacations tend to be a lot about amusement parks, water parks and beaches. Not my favourite cup of tea.
I would rather walk through an unknown village, discovering their ways and style. I would like to walk through a museum in my own pace and noone to call my name or tug my sleeve. I want to not eat at McDonald's. I want to sip to a glass of white wine, while watching people and reading a book.
By the time I have thought through my reasons why I should go for a long weekend by myself, and the importunate, more pressing reasons why I shouldn't, my kids have picked up on my intensions and tell me they want to go too, because there is a football match they really want to see live. And I feel awful about letting them down, leaving them or for some other reason start to doubt it is a good idea for me to go on a sole journey.
I know I think all this, and I know I am wrong. I am certain my family would really understand and condone my modest weekend of self fulfillment.
It's hard to be a loser. You get to the point when you expect to face another failure. I think maybe it's time I stop letting myself down.
Then, being a grumpy, old woman would be something I was in the past, and I would be the happy woman, in the best of ages, I truly am.
What I was really doing was getting an education, a lot of it! I took so many degrees nobody will hire me now. I am too qualified, with tons of formal qualifications, tons and tons of prior learning experience, but no formal leader experience documented on paper. Still, I have the skills, habits and conduct of a leader.
I am too educated to be employed as a teacher in a new school now; I am too expencive. I am stuck where I work today. How pathetic is that?
The minute I got a family of my own, my goal was to create a happy and safe home for my family.
I went to the extremes and even planned what to do to maintain my kids' lifestyle and standard if my husband died. And I planned how my passing away will not affect their way of life too much.
Growing up I learned nobody must know. Some secrets you keep, so that others can have dignity and pride. If I was on top of things, I could prevent bad things to happen to others.
I did the expected thing and created a solid home for my family, while covering every possible outcome of disaster.
Now a lot of people are no longer part of, or even in, my life. In addition my young ones are more independent than they were. I have been a toddler's mom for 19 years. Getting used to I am not needed as much anymore, is hard to do.
A silent major change has taken place, and I didn't pay attention. Instead of becoming a freer person, I find myself in a position where I confuse opportunities lost with opportunities found.
The funny thing is: everybody else in my circle are really content. They really appreciate having the opportunity to choose freely what they want to make of themselves, and what to do.
So why am I stuck in the habit of limiting myself? Why do I feel my interests, wants and needs are not important enough to pursue?
My pondering made me realize that it's not reality which keeps me in a state of thinking how my actions will affect others in bad ways. There are no reasons why me changing focus should in any way give other people a hard time.
In my mind I create discussions on weather or not I should do something; if it is safe or not to change something because it would feel, look or perhaps work better. Often it's a matter of improving things, not repair them because they need fixing.
It's in many ways the same procedure I go through when it comes to throw something away; I deal with each item and detail as if it is of major importance, even though I deep down it isn't. The urge to keep, just in case I maybe need it some time in the future, is strong and inherited from my mother. (Yes, I blame her. She grew up during the war, and knows how to make use of what you have, and then recycle.) I know this, and yet it is so hard to ignore the voices telling me to keep it, keep it!
One of my all time wants, is to travel. I don't feel I get to travel and explore new places the way I want. Our family vacations tend to be a lot about amusement parks, water parks and beaches. Not my favourite cup of tea.
I would rather walk through an unknown village, discovering their ways and style. I would like to walk through a museum in my own pace and noone to call my name or tug my sleeve. I want to not eat at McDonald's. I want to sip to a glass of white wine, while watching people and reading a book.
By the time I have thought through my reasons why I should go for a long weekend by myself, and the importunate, more pressing reasons why I shouldn't, my kids have picked up on my intensions and tell me they want to go too, because there is a football match they really want to see live. And I feel awful about letting them down, leaving them or for some other reason start to doubt it is a good idea for me to go on a sole journey.
I know I think all this, and I know I am wrong. I am certain my family would really understand and condone my modest weekend of self fulfillment.
It's hard to be a loser. You get to the point when you expect to face another failure. I think maybe it's time I stop letting myself down.
Then, being a grumpy, old woman would be something I was in the past, and I would be the happy woman, in the best of ages, I truly am.
