Happiness #1 Spend time with friends.

An American study stated that 43% of married people were “very happy”, opposed to 24% of the unmarried. One of the reasons to this is that married people spend less time alone. They constantly are stimulated by others, are more active, energetic, engaged and enthusiastic.

If you are not married, you can become happy by spending time a lot, with friends.

I spend quite a lot of time alone. When you are the only adult, a lot, in a family with children, you can’t just drop everything to be with friends. Not that I have that many friends. I mean: I do see other grownups: coworkers, parents shivering on the sideline cheering the kids on while clattering teeth so badly a chewing gum is worn out in seconds. It’s not easy to keep a conversation going then… so there we are; embracing ourselves watching the kids running after the ball in flock. I meet them at the grocery store and whenever our paths cross… but the friendly cups of coffee are pitifully few.

When you find 10 minutes to spare; with nothing to do, someone who needs listening to or the batteries in your run-down body need to charge, our recesses from everyday life are not synchronously. 

We don’t raise our glasses in uproarious hilarity too often, either. It’s too much of an effort to arrange for a babysitter and a ride, just to hold the stem of a wineglass while waiting for “the call” in an alert state of anxiety.

The phone-calls always come. Sometimes I regret teaching the youngest one how to use the phone and my number. Five minutes after bedtime it is time to negotiate: it’s like clockworks: the phone always rings. Every time.

It’s a lot easier to just stay at home: I get a break from running by the clock, the kids get in bed on time and I don’t have to make plans on how to get home by the end of the night. (I know there is such a thing as taxis, but there’s the wait for it to arrive too, and that may take quite some time where I live.)

I do have the abilities and the will to get out of the house to see friends in casual settings, it’s not that. But after a long day at work, or a long week of constantly chasing the clock, it’s a blessing to give in to an inertly feeling, and just stay at home.  The general shortage of time makes me actually appreciate those rare occasions of lulling myself in domestic leisurely pace.  

Liam Neeson once said something like «the days pass by so slowly, but the years fly by so fast». It is so true. It has happened I have told someone that we really have to get together sometime soon… and suddenly months have passed by, and I didn’t even realize! When did all that time happen? What did I do which was so important and busy?

I like to say time doesn’t pass, it comes. But now that the kids are well on their way becoming more independent I find myself wondering if I missed out. I don’t really think so, but there is always that tiny, little voice in the back of my head which makes me have doubts about if I’m right.

I’m freaking out thinking about how fast time goes by. I didn’t have many new year’s resolutions, but I had a few. Still haven’t gotten time to really execute any of them. I was going to become so much better at organizing my life, home and family. I was going to treat myself better, focus more on my looks and appearance (I figure I am old enough to turn a little vain).

But then I start thinking: Do I really struggle with it as much as I think I do? Because I do really well at work, and my kids have turned out so great, bless them, and I do really well with the thrill of all of a sudden being thrown the impossible and making it possible. It’s a stressful period while I am making it happen but once I do, it is a complete rush. It must mean I am good at extemporizing.

Fortunately new Mondays come about, and Mondays are great days to start anew. (Last Monday was another bad day to do so, but another one is coming up in a week, soon enough for it to be executed within reasonable time, I think.)

Another thing is friends… I mentioned earlier I don’t have a lot of friends. I feel I have to explain that a little. It’s not like as if I don’t have a social circle of acquaintances.

So, where do I start… When I see friends or acquaintances usually the first thing they ask me is: Is he offshore? And that kind of sets the tone for the rest of our conversation. When he is offshore I’m more or less regarded as single. (Singles my age really have quite a few challenges, I tell you.) The phone turns noticeable quieter. It hardly rings unless it’s my mother, or my kids don’t pick up their mobile (usually because they forgot to charge the battery) and their friends need to talk to them. Socially things turn more absent, even though it’s not really something to boast about anyway, but still.

I lose both on circle of friends and status. I guess it’s fair to say it’s not a good idea to base my happiness on my social life.  

That being said; even though I run painfully dry of topics to talk about once both children and work are done with, and even though I sometimes lull myself in dreams about both me and my life were different, I may be alone, but never lonely. I am lucky to thrive in my own quirky, eccentric and twisted company.

I have no idea what the right answer to what happiness really is, but ... although I shiver and tremble with freezing cold (perhaps not that strange as it is, after all, winter, and the wind has been whistling cold and hard for over a month now) spring is already well underway within me. I thaw and feel warmer inside, and although this is not the correct definition to what happiness is, I am sure it applies?

Happiness #2 Forget salary increase.

To go out with friends increases your sense of happiness, however going to the mall doesn’t. Of course it can be a buzz to get a new dress or a flat screen TV, but that buzz is very temporary. The more you buy, the more you want. Same thing happens if you get an increase in salary; soon you take the extra money on your account every month for granted, and you turn discontented and unhappy again, and you want more, more, more...  

I don’t go out much. Maybe I hesitate because of the nature of my job, or maybe because I’m just plain boring, but I don’t really like it.

Most places you go to, to have a night out (apart from restaurants, that is) play music so loud you feel it in your guts. I don’t understand that. The quality of sound doesn’t improve just because the loudspeakers blast out volume to the limit of capacity (including unnerving jarring and dissonance). Quality of sound doesn’t improve just because it is loud, but I understand some people think so. Now, don’t misunderstand me: there is no better therapy than laying down on the floor, letting loud music wash over you and invade you entire body, but not when you are out with friends. We don’t want to scream our lungs out, just to let our friends know we are going to powder our nose. The bawl makes both my throat go dry (good for business, I suppose) and me a bit nervous. Experience tells me that at that moment; when you really tell in an impatient, overly clear and crispy voice, the music stops, and everybody hears the most private and embarrassing part of your message loud and clear.

When the music stops we discover how few actually talk together, as the premises go dead silent.

It’s like as if we are there on our own, all of us, together. Don’t forget now: I love music. Music is a great part of my life. If I was to talk about anything at all in capital letters, it would be music. I enjoy most genres (right now, as I am writing this, I listen to Crazy by Patsy Cline. Lovely!) Not fond of techno, though, but that’s a different topic.

When we finally come to a place where the music is muffled to a level possible to have a conversation at, with almost no exceptions, previous students approach me and tell about their present life, income salary and how great life is now that they have finished school and don’t have me as their teacher anymore. I really think it’s nice to hear they are doing well, but not when I am not at my best behavior.

The biggest advantage of eating out is actually not to do the dishes myself. That is a reasonable good excuse to eat out by itself, but the meal isn’t always all that. Too often it is overcooked, blend, cold and overpriced.

So, when I stand there at the bus stop, waiting for my bus to appear, dressed up and freezing, wondering where it’s safe to look, I usually just wish I was already at home.

Happiness to me is not to go out. The talk flows easier around the kitchen table at home, and coffee is served in big enough mugs with free refill. Wine is chosen from personal liking and taste, and the snacks have not been fondled by a number of strangers with questionable habits as far as personal hygiene and washing hands is concerned. 

To buy more the more you make… I admire people who are groomed and well dressed, even wish I was more like that myself. The thing is that when I for once really pay attention to… let’s say my hair, I go outside and the rain or wind, or both, makes the hour spent in front of the mirror a total waste. Being a mum means you constantly end up in situations when you have to step in or step up. To avoid the huge outfit and looks disasters and minimize the damage caused by weather and sticky fingers I go for the natural look, most of the time. (How I now and again comfort myself by looking at my wedding picture is a totally different story. I designed my dress (and the bouquet), and my mother made it from silk specially imported. I was very pretty that day, I think.)

I buy clothes online late at night. After work I have to pick up kids, cook dinner, do homework with the kids, make sure the kids get to their after school activities alright, supper must be served, bedtime routines, walk the dog, chores around the house… you know, run the family and our home. When I finally get time to spare the only store still open is IKEA. I can only bring so much furniture and Swedish crispbread into this house (Which are delicious, by the way, the crispbread I mean).

The most exciting thing about IKEA is to watch and eavesdrop to others who shop there. Usually, when you shop something for your house, you are looking for something you need. Walking through IKEA (and you have to walk through cause most shortcuts are blocked, so you end up walking the endless trail), you hear people comment upon the different items and nick-nacks displayed. The most intriguing comment I hear is: “That’s pretty awesome, I wonder where I can find space for it at home?” We fall for clever solutions, beautiful colors and design so simple it is exciting. We just simply feel we need it… and most definitely want it.

I find it such a blessing not to want something new all the time. Besides I have decided upon «cease-to-shop». Until I have cleared out all the clutter in my house nothing new will be bought. For many years I have struggled with too much stuff in my house, clothes included, now I catch a glimpse of an ending to the overwhelming abundance, and it is such a relief! It’s like the house is slowly getting orderly and not just a source to constant feeling of guilt.

I have no idea what the right answer to what happiness really is, but ... although I shiver and tremble with freezing cold (perhaps not that strange as it is, after all, winter, and the wind has been whistling cold and hard for over a month now) spring is already well underway within me. I thaw and feel warmer inside, and although this is not the correct definition to what happiness is, I am sure it applies?