Tired

 

Today I just felt like staying in bed, which is rather unusual for me. Usually I am the last to go to sleep and the first one up.

I love those crisp early hours when everything is quiet and the world is still lulled in the warm comfort of blankets. In summer I take my coffee outside and sit on my outdoor steps listening to the birds greeting the new day welcome.

If it’s raining I draw a bit back to avoid getting wet and enjoy the sound of drops hitting the roof above and the ground. Something soothing about rain, I always calm down when it’s raining. Whether I sit on my outdoor steps, indoors listening to the rain ticking on my windows, or if I just challenge my dislike to rainwear and plunge into the force of the element: rain is a good remedy for a strained mind.

Growing up where I did, I learned at a very young age to embrace the elements rather than fight them. So, I do.

But today it wasn’t raining. Today the sun was up at the crack of dawn, reminding me summer is just around the corner. Usually I get a feeling of anticipation when this notion hits me, but today… I just felt an avalanche of doings not yet done hit me.

It is like being overwhelmed by an insurmountable race against time. So much to do and so little time… It is like I don’t even want to try.

Tempted as I am to give up before I even try, I went to work feeling exhausted. I am crazy tired, but I keep on going; like the energizer bunny till it runs out of juice! Determined to at least show up and prove to myself I can cope. At least on a negligible level. I think I just need a little down time, but I can’t for the life of me figure out when that down time should take place.

When summer is here and the vacation starts it doesn’t matter what I did or didn’t get done: it will be too late. Then I clear my desk, go home and open every door in my house letting the wind blow through my house and sweep it clean. My head resets and I charge the batteries. By the time summer is over I look forward to meeting my new students: A new school year, new challenges and possibilities.

Strange that is, really, when I know that in a year from now I will feel exactly the same way I do today.

Words: about everything and nothing at all.

Sometimes I have so much on my mind, I almost burst with the urge to get it out.

When I need to get something off my chest I instantly think: I need to get this down on paper. Even now, after all these years of typing on my laptop, I think of paper as the primarily source of writing. Don’t really know why; except from my shopping lists, my to do lists, Christmas- and greeting cards, I type everything on my laptop these days.

The thing I do, when I get my head too full of good ideas and opinions, is to write them down.

While writing this it crosses my mind how old fashion I actually am: I still think of writing down as something I do using pen and paper.

I enjoy pen and paper immensely, and yet I hardly ever use them. In spite of my increasingly growing collection of very usable felt-tip pens I never use, but think is cool. I buy them, and they are expensive.

Oh, I clutter down my shopping lists, my to do lists, my greeting cards and my Christmas cards using my handwriting and a vast variety of felt-tip pens.

In spite of how much I love my pens and papers; my overall writing activities happens by my laptop, where I still hover and press each letter on my keyboard.

I would probably do the same thing with my shopping- and to do list…only using my mobile phone, if it wasn’t for me being so terribly poor at remembering to bring my mobile everywhere.

There is this inherent stubbornness in me refusing to be reachable at all times.

My greeting cards and Christmas cards are handwritten only because… well, I myself, enjoy receiving something other than bills and commercials in the mail. And I get to perform some paper-craft at the same time, with a legitimate excuse.

I have never been a good orator, or to express myself orally. At least I think I express myself better in typing. But that might be something I imagine, I don't really know... and I am not sure it is very important all the while I get to let my mind flow freely, which it does when I write.

The other day I got this “look-up-what-animal-you-are” in an email.

I turned out to be a cat, and it told me that a cat:

“If you are a Cat : An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy, with a passion for quick wit. At times, you prefer quietness. You love exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under normal circumstances you're cool but when given a reason to, you are like a volcano waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird. People look forward to you as an icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle along freely but don't like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your company. You observe care in choosing your friends”.

Hmmm…. I don’t even like cats, but I have to accept there is a lot of truth in there… like most general “readings” have.

There is something in particular I find to be very true about me, the cat: “Basically, you mingle along freely but don't like talking much to strangers”.

Yeah, I don’t always find the reasons to express my ideas, opinions and thoughts spoken out loud. My words have a tendency of coming out the wrong way.

But when it comes to write down my ideas and thoughts it is a totally different matter; I use the laptop. And these days I lure people, like you, to read about them. Purely because I tend to post (some of) them here.

I sometimes think it might be a stupid thing to do… like now:

My mind was so full of thoughts I confused myself.

And yet… when I took time to sit down and get it all “on paper”, my mind just went…. Blank.

And I ended up writing another posting about absolutely nothing at all. I suppose that nothing at all was what I needed to put on paper tonight.