Unexpected Pleasant Conversation

At times I attend social events where people of mixed ages are present. Last time, I ended up talking to a young man who did not seem to be in a hurry to move along.

Till he approached me I was quite content where I had settled down; on a bar stool a bit back in the assembly room. Quite frankly I thought I was safe and would be left alone until I could leave; sometimes I am just too tired to be good company for anyone, and I know this, so I try to protect both myself and others from a sarcastic older hag.

In danger of being wrongly perceived as a cougar, I told him that: “You are awfully young, I think you would be better off mingling and find a young person your own age to talk to.” (I know how to be very unwelcoming, you see. Not proud of it, but some times it comes in very handy.)

Very politely he told me he was quite comfortable talking with me, even though he must have understood I was more than just a little bit uncomfortable as I announced that: “I usually don’t engage in private conversations with men as young as you… it makes me feel as if I have a “Demi-Moore-moment”.

You get the picture: I was trying to brush him off while he was stubborn and just stayed… I thought maybe he was hiding as well, so I soon settled for my thought explanation and decided to make an effort to be polite. Well, we sat there like two perchers; chit-chatting about everything and nothing at all. You know: music, his future plans, how expensive it is to own a car, whether asparagus is delicious or not, and how to prepare…

Anyway, I glanced at my mobile and to my surprise the event was coming to an end. I’d been enjoying myself a lot, in spite of my initial apprehensions. He turned very quiet for a bit and I could tell he had something on his mind. Then, in a very low, shy voice the question was asked: why was I so reluctant to talk to him to begin with?

Taken by surprise over his candour I don’t really remember what I answered, but I do remember telling him I was wrong and that I had really enjoyed the evening.

Walking back home I fell into thoughts: It is a shame that when I talked to someone, in a social and festive setting, it would very likely be perceive by others to be something more than just enjoying each other’s thoughts and opinions. I reluctantly have to admit I fell into the trap myself. I think it has something to do with the general indication most people seem to have adopted: the first thought to pop up in mind, when two people of opposite sex talk, socially, is a setting involving some kind of sexual nature. (We don’t usually have that instant thought when two people of the same sex talk, even though they may actually have that agenda… just planting an evil thought there…)

To be friendly to someone is a risky business as rumour very seldom is of good nature. And what people see, or think they see, is also told. I guess my inherent fear of others’ opinion of me (even though I work hard not to give into it) protruded.

I totally admit to my prejudices to young people: I am too old to handle the sarcasms and puns young adults seem to master to perfection, on my spare time. I deal with them every day at work, and have no desire to be on the alert when I need to wind down.

Thing is, however, young people are no different than any other people at any other age: They adapt to the situation. And now, in the aftermath of my pleasant evening and pensiveness, I think they enjoy the relaxed conversation with adults who don’t represent a threat or argue to everything they say. They just enjoy the input and the harmless spending time with someone, without obligations. Just like we all do… at least I think we do. I do. I just tend to forget.

five simple rules to be happy?

Yesterday I posted a story copied from Facebook, and at the end there were five simple rules to be happy. I didn’t think much of it at the time, I was so hung up in the moral of the story….. then I took the time to read through the end, with the five simple rules, and two things hit me:

a.     The rules had nothing to do with the moral in the story. In fact it had nothing to do with the story at all! (Unless you take it for granted the donkey didn’t understand the initial intention, and therefore felt nothing but gratitude, rather than resentment at the end.) Have no idea why it was attached.

b.    Most of the rules come across as somewhat… I don’t know; I just find them unnatural to human nature. It’s as if you need to be a superhuman to achieve happiness. I am probably being very unfair, but I just came to thinking that:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

This one is not hard. I mean… To spend time and energy on someone who deliberately hurt you in in the first place, in any way, is just stupid. The only one who really feels the hurt is yourself, and that really isn’t worth the time and agony. It is really hard to find reasons why what happened is not important: It takes some time to come to terms with the situation. Being only human I admit I need to find reasons why it is insignificant. I am not a good enough person to just brush feelings aside and immediately forgive… unless it is a trifle thing like when my coworker eats my chewy lemon toffee without asking or when my friend borrows an outfit and it comes back with a ripped zipper.

Betrayal, when you feel trust is broken, is worse. But think about why and what the issue was; the offence itself might not be such a great mischief, even though the feeling of broken trust is serious enough. I am very good at forgiving, eventually… not so good at forgetting.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.

I am old enough to have discovered this myself. To be pragmatic is not always an advantage, but when it comes to invent possible horrors: nope, I don’t do that. This saves me a lot of worries and pondering and mindful agony. There is a chance my stress mess has something to do with it: I am too busy dealing with what is here and now. There is no time to ponder about what is not a reality. Yet. That being said: I totally understand how troublesome it is, to more emotional people, to wonder about the consequences possible scenarios might cause.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Everything is relative. To live simply is not up to the same standard for everyone. Some people are quite content when they own two t-shirts, one in the laundry and one to wear. Others need more equipment and facilities to find they live a simple life. Either way is it hard to be fully happy.

Most times it is not the lack or abundance of things which are the main reasons for a bit of unhappiness. Maybe we do have the things, but we lack that special person in our circle. It’s not necessarily the life partner or significant other who is absent. Often we need that compatible friend, teacher, pastor or some other person who can help you complete your life.

When you feel that kind of want, everything else you may have in your life just seems less important and it is hard to appreciate what you have. Sadly people can’t be ordered online, even though the traffic on chat-lines indicate many try.

Give more.

This rule reminds me of magazines: lose weight, cook perfect meals, bake the perfect bakery, dress well, be groomed and fresh at all times, stay young, be fit… become better, smarter, nicer, more successful… we are NEVER good enough; no matter how hard we try. We already give so much time, money, effort, attention… and what we get is: If you are not happy do more! Be more! Give more!

In theory what goes around comes around, but that is not always the case. Often when we do give a piece of ourselves and our qualities the thanks we get is: they want even more. Ingratitude is how the world pays you.

It makes me tired and worn out. Charity work lack more and more people. Not nearly enough people volunteer anymore, and the enthusiasts are reaching older age. It is the same thing nearly all over the western world; Younger people are already preoccupied supporting the activities their own family and friends engage in, or they just don’t have the energy to put more effort into others. They struggle as it is, trying to keep up their standard of living.

I wish some guru, who told us to share more and be each other’s support came in fashion. Rather than just face the demand of you giving, and then give some more. It is difficult to be a generous person, when you feel you are taken for granted.

Expect less from people but more from yourself.

Every time I felt I made an achievement it was when I met people’s expectations. Even at work I know my coworkers and students have expectations to my performance. Why should they expect less? Why should I expect less from others than what I know they are capable of?

It is no secret I strongly believe in being the best possible version of myself. That is my drive. I also strongly believe in letting people around me become the best possible version of themselves. It is called self-realization.

There is a good chanse I am wrong, but to self-actualize trigger both your interests and your self-esteem, and when you achieve that feeling, whether it is because you focus more on what you do today or you find it in your heart to give more, that is when I believe you are happy.