To change eachother

It never stops to amaze me how preoccupied we are that people should fit into our perception of an ideal person, a holder of the ultimate personlity. I don’t think I am an exception, even though it would be lovely and ideal and open-mineded and a signal of my unprejudiced self... but I am not perfect, and I an thankful I am not. Besides, I don’t think we are meant to be that opinionless on other people, it would be like carelessness if we were.
My first impression, when I meet someone, often leads to conversations with friends about how I find that person’s appearance, behaviour, voice, body language, gestures, habits (both good and bad), skills... the list goes on and on about what I noticed and find worth mentioning, based upon wheather I instantly like or dislike my new acquaintance.
I tend to ignore (deliberately?) the qualities which does not fit my perception.

Reading what I just wrote, I think, perhaps, I should be a bit worried because I understand I come across as rather superficial. Or not...?

I somehow believe it is part of human nature to evaluate both eachother, and others. We need to label people, to find their role and what part they play in our lives.

As early as 1222 Håvamål, Odins tale - Words of the High one (a collection of Old Norse poems from the Viking age) stated that:

Deyr fé,                                     Cattle die,
deyja frændr,                             kinsmen die
deyr sjálfr et sama;                     you yourself die;
ek veit einn,                               I know one thing
at aldri deyr:                              which never dies:
dómr um dauðan hvern.             the fate of the honored dead.
(Quotation from Number 77, which possibly is the most known section of Gestaþáttr)

Even back then they acknowledged a man’s reputation was noted and important.
Mankind has changed, but not that much, in 800 years.

Some qualities are more important in a partner than in a friend, and conversely.
For some reason I think the entertainment bit is more important in a friend, and I accept more outwardness and acting out in a friend, than in a partner. It is just something I do... even though I know we are independent individuals, it is hard not to think that my partner reflects me more than a friend does. He should represent what is good in me. Totally unrealistic, but still. And I don’t think I am the only one who think so.

If he has the wrong tie or wear worn out boots or say things I disagree with, I let him know. But I hate it, really hate it, when he comments upon what I wear, in a way I did not expect.

I don’t like to stand corrected either, so most of the time I try not to think too much about how I comment upon him and his ways.
A friend of mine, on the market for a new boyfriend, told me that she always made sure they never went for a meal on their first proper date.

When I asked her why, she just looked at me with an incomprehensing gaze and stated that: “If I see a man eat, and am presented to all his bad habits and manners at the table; I will never find a boyfriend”.

She might be right. I think to many people that is true. Most of us fall in love because of qualities in the other person, not in spite of.
Most relationships start out great, but then, after some time, one of the parties often try to change the other person into what they think they want from a partner.

Some times even the partner try to change, beyond personal growth, to please, because he or she thinks that is what is expected.

I often see how couples nag and suggest and offer and accept invitations to activities on the partner’s behalf; everything tiny improvements but added up, they may not be compatible with the person we fell in love with at first sight.

Domestic violence

Now and again, I find myself ponder about the most unexpected issues. Unexpected because my mind works in ways which constantly take me by surprise; it finds food for thoughts and create associations from the strangest sources.

Some times it is happy thoughts, which make me wander about with a silly grin on my face, other times they drive me mad because of the reruns; just can’t get it off my mind. (Songs, the beat and the lyrics, do that to me a lot!) I twist and turn around the subject, try to see it from a different point of view, just to make sure my prejudices don’t kick in. I know I have them, you see, but I am not happy about it.

The other day a picture appeared on facebook, which made me think. One of these disturbing ones which just gives a hint to a problem there is no obvious solution to.

We call it: Domestic violence.

Violence and abuse are not condoned as legal anywhere, as far as I know (apart from those twisted, extreme groupings, isolated from society, lacking just cause), but there is something forgiving about assault when we can call it domestic.

I can’t help but thinking the whole consept of calling it domestic is just so totally wrong. We like our own privacy, and therefore hesitate to interfere in what we see and/or hear goes on in our neighbour’s house. Still, privacy is not the same thing as amnesty to break down other people, just because they are unfortunate enough to live in the same house as you do.

The victims are children, women and men, who inhabit a profound loyalty based upon love and belonging. Powerful feelings in itself, even more so when added threats and reassurances. Often they refuse the fact they are victims, because they love him/her/them, or "...but it's my dad/mum..."

When abuse is finally out in the open and the extent is gradually unveiled, people who knew about what was going on, come forward and tell about what they have seen and heard. Very seldom they express any remorse they did not contact anyone to report their concern. BUT, they have found it disturbing for quite some time.

Feeling pangs of conscience can be very uncomfortable, what an ease it must be when someone else finally blows the whistle.

We think that victims should speak up for themselves, we do not want to take on the responsibility for their safety and wellbeing.

Maybe we think we protect our own privacy, maybe we think we will be perceived as peeping Toms, maybe we are afraid that others will mistrust our integrity, maybe we just want to make sure we are right and wait off and see IF it might happen again, one more time, just in case we are wrong.

I don’t know why we are so reluctant to speak up on behalf of someone living under worrying conditions; I just know that somehow we must change the way we think and act in order to protect victims of abuse. The outcome of ongoing domestic violence is far too often too severe, and unpredictable, for us to look the other way, for too long.