Home

I was walking my dog the other night, like I do every night. It was so freezing cold every step on the ground gave a loud creak. The snow we got two nights before, had frosen into this moonlit glittering duvet which seemed to have tucked in the entire world.
This very late, most windows had that warm glow they get, when it's cold outside and so very comfortably warm inside. Others had turned lights down, but I could see the blue flikkering lights from a TV. Some were asleep.
Like the eyes are the windows to one's soul, the windows are the spy holes into a home.
A home is so private. What we call home is where we feel we belong.

Looking at them, as I walked by, bringing a broken silence to the night, I found myself in soaring thoughts about how, in all of these houses and apartments, people have decided to live and nest. They have surrounded themselves with colours and things they love. Valuables, memorabilias, sensible and smart tools, device and equipment, rubbish and just... stuff.
They have all chosen their style and standard, or lack of thereof. Every home is where somebody returns to after going away. That is where they belong and create their life.

Like thoughts often do, they wandered. They wandered to my parents, who no longer can live in their own home. And I thought about how we all refuse to let them mourne their home.
We ignore the sadness, and keep telling them that where they are now is just brilliant, so easy to clean, so perfectly downsized, so bright and modern... It's all very convenient and efficient, but it's not home.

Some of their things they found space for, most are left behind, in a home they probably never get to visit again. They are sad that where they fought and made up, brought up their children and grandchildren, worked hard and played hard is now abandoned. Not counting much to anybody, except in the stories we tell. It has become a treasured memory.
And we forget how important we find our own home, how worthy of huge expences when we find it's time to reorganize and redecorate.

I know people who on regular basis throw all their accessories and ornaments out, and replace it with current modern style.
I know people who cherish everything they have brought into their house, and refuse to change anything, except for adding another piece of toiletpaperroll art, carefully created by a familymember at kindergarden or school.
I know people who keep their home a showroom, and I know people who live and let live in their home.

I thought about how I left my own home, as I rushed out the door to let the pacing dog do his thing: Starwars lego was carefully lined up at the coffee table, unfolded socks piled up at the dining table,,, I do hope they are all pairs this time, the cushions in the sofa scattered about and notebooks, belonging to subjects like science, French, English, maths, religion... carelessly left on where ever was a free spot at the time homework was done. I thought about my dreams of how I would furnish my house, and how it turned out. It doesn't refect my taste, but it does reflect my heritage and where we come from.

My home is lived in, I wish it was more of a showroom, but I have this solid belief there is a difference in untidyness: the kind we create by doing stuff, and the kind created because we don't care.
I care... I just don't have the capacity to nag all the time.
Instead I am going to appreciate more I have a home, and am allowed to live there.

Resolutions.

And then the new year is on. We write 2016 (unless you like me are stuck on 2015 and still sign documents a year back). The resolutions for the new year are dusted off from last year, and we try again.We do, to a large extent, create our days, so lets get started!

"It's a New Year, and I will start being the new, and better, me!" We hear, and read, it everywhere. At least these few first days after New Year's eve. It's like we are caught in the mainstream of changes.

I have read quite a few blogs on the topic lately; 5 days ago was like an explotion of people who went online to announce to the world what a better person they were going to be. Better in the sense of meeting what they thought society would like them to be: slimmer, healthier, more fit, and great at time management... and picking up hobbies they always wanted to do.

I am not sure if giving up a lot of food, smoking, drinking and pleasures of shopping make us better people, but by all means; It might have unthought of side effects.

In my opinion new year's resolutions are absolutely wonderful when you lack motivation. When we start a new year, it's a new beginning, which we percieve as a legal, or just, time to change our ways. We don't have to explain our issues, we just explain our new ways by "it's a new year's resolution", and we go "Ahhhh, right". Much like when we reply "Sorry, I'm busy"; it is a legit excuse for every possible shortcoming.

Because of the unfortunate fact that other people may not always understand our issues, this time of year gives us a legit reason to adress what we feel is not optimal, acceptable even, in our lives, and it should be grasped with both hands. Unless you are quite content embracing being less than perfect... like me.

I think new year's resolutions are a great way for people to give themselves the motivation to do something good for themselves. Of course, in some cases, it is a burden of self-imposed agony and force. Simply because often we know things have to change, but we don't really want to.

When other people announce their resolutions, it may be a good idea to jump on board. Make a deal to get on with it together. It is such a bummer to admit you have not done your part... but even a bigger pleasure to say you have done well. If the resolution is to go for a walk at set times, it is easier to skip the walk if you are the only one who will ever know if you actually did it.

There are a lot of reasons why you shouldn't commit to any new year's resolutions, though. They all boil down to the chance you may let yourself down, again. You can't fix a zillion flaws and "if onlys" just because you wish they would. I hate the feeling of letting myself down. And then I let myself down even more, by blaming others, even though I know it's my own fault.

Timmy Grasshopper sings it so beautifuly in Pinoccio:

When You Wish Upon A Star

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you.

If your heart is in your dream

No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do.

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue
Suddenly, it comes to you
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true

When a star is born
They possess a gift or two.
One of them is this
They have the power to make a wish come true.

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you,

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do.

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longing.

Like a bolt out of the blue
Suddenly, it comes to you
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true.

A lovely song and a wonderful thought, isn't it? Unfortunately it isn't true. I have watched weight loss reality programs, dating reality programs, personal finance reality programs, redecorating/upgrading/redoing house reality programs... and there is one thing they all have in common: something must be done, for changes to happen.

You can't sit in your bed eating chocolate, wishing you were four sizes smaller, expecting to shrink while at it. I wrote about how losers lose some time ago... it doesn't work. I tried.
There is no way Prince Charming will turn up, out of the blue, knock on your door and ask you to marry him.
You can't buy a lot of stuff and then buy a vacation, maximizing your credit card, again, and wish you had a bit more slack on the finances.
Unless you tend to your house, it will rot, with you in it.

When we dream, we can be anything we want. It is a good thing to dream, it is important to have dreams. In reality it's not that simple. It takes a set goal, hard work, patience and a bit of help on the way. The energy you spend being euphorically excited about it during that intoxicating hours after midnight doesn't change much.

I am not getting any younger. But these days 45 is not really getting on a bit: it's the best of ages. To me it is, anyway. There are things I have not done, because I thought I was too old, too big, too busy... The list of excuses was long, and to be honest... just pointless, but convenient, excuses.

Now is my chance to sit down and prepare a list of important lifestyle changes I want to make, waiting for me to get younger is pointless. I can't make it happen just by willpower, alas.