Ageing makes excellent.

It’s my birthday today. The celebration of me getting older. When people ask me my age, 

very rude, but more common, I can say I am closer to 50.

It’s no secret I just simply love all the goofy quizes and tests online, analyzing which flower you are, your personality and a lot of other quirky stuff (still waiting for the test which will show I am a Red Bugatti Veyron, which harmoniously combines athletic performance and elegant form, bringing the proud history that is part of the Bugatti-DNA into the present. 

No such test has popped up yet, but I'm still hoping. After all, I am old enough to be responsible about excellence now.

Anyway. The last test was what I am like as a person. That was unexpected, but ok. I feel I know myself pretty well, but hey! Let’s see what a facebook-related test has to say about me:

You are spiritual, emotional, intelligent, charismatic, analytical and down to earth.
You are someone who needs to get to the bottom of things. There is no question you haven’t asked, and no answer you have not been 100% happy about. Your understanding of people and your extensive knowledge doesn’t come from books alone.
You like to observe and come to conclusions. It gives you a mystical touch which others find very fascinating.

Now, that's a whole lot of compliments... if you like being a mystery to your surrounding. I don't mind that. I have come to terms with being eccentric, and feel comfortably good about it. Still that was a bit over the top, made me feel more of an overexcited, loony cougar than a fairly reasonable woman. Don't know why, just did.

There are many things wrong with my body. It's not age, even though age may have refined and enhanced the unwellness.

What worries me, is that my mature insight forces me to admit to my vanity.

I dress well... for my size. I am a very active woman... for my size, I eat healthy... for a woman my size... the list can go on and on. I have a lot of good things going, but I blame my size for not being as good as I can be, or could have been.

I don't feel age slows me down at all, in any way.

I wear what I want, I listen to the music I want, I do what I want, I engage in whatever activity I want: there is nothing, really, in my life, which holds me back.

My mother is a funny cookie. She has recently had several back surgeries done, and has been in crucial pains for many year. For as long as I can remember, actually. This meant she has needed quite an extensive amount medication.

Now they have helped her cut back, so she is more alert than she has been for a long time.

I was talking to her on the phone, and she told me that "Just today, my eyes fell on the bracelet they put on your wrist, when you get registered as patient at hospitals. You know: the one with all your essential information on it. And I thought to myself I would read what it said. It was a major shock to read I am a 76-years old woman. When did I get that old?"

Funny that she should say that, cause that's exactly how I feel, when I read my birthday card saying I am now 45.

Sole conversations.

Asking yourself questions on facebook, getting the answers you want, always has the right outcome. It's the new talking to yourself... which I am old fashioned enough to do, on frequent and regular basis.

I have not reached the point of posting my questions to myself, and then reply, on facebook... not yet, anyway.
But I appreciate the opportunity to ask the universe for the ultimate solution, though.
I also see the attraction of posting on facebook, thinking you are the one to respond, not expecting anyone else to reply. You don't get that social loser feeling, IF someone replies it's a mere bonus.

When I am upset with noone in particular, or I am pondering about something I not only fall into thoughts: I also murmur. Now, my family is used to hear me mumble, and they know I then have a moment of private expression of discontent.

Years ago they thought I was angry, maybe with them, maybe someone or something else... they weren't sure. They would stop making noise and tiptoed around the house as if not to wake my anger. Very unfortunate to have unintendently created that kind of insecurity in them, but we had a talk as soon as they had the courage to ask why I some times were angry with them, when I was in the kitchen by myself. They preferred I just confronted them.

Now, that made me take a close look at myself. I am not an angry person, and it made me sad I upset them by my really bad habit. I understand their reaction, and I am sorry about the light anxiety I caused.

Me clinging to the old fashioned way has the drawback people around me are at best suspicious about my mumbling. I don't know why. I see people talking to themselves everywhere. Well, not really talking to themselves, but they talk with no shame, in a loud voice, when noone is their apparent partner in the conversation.

Thinking about it, I should buy one of those earpieces people use when talking on the phone, loud, in public. Not because I want to talk more on the phone, which I hate, but because that is acceptable now.

I was brought up learning that we should keep conversations on the phone private. Our phone was placed in a small hallway not very often used for any other purpose than talking on the phone. The door was open so we could hear the ringing through the entire house, but our conversations were private.

Now people talk everywhere, not even bothering to move away from the group they are in the midst of, or lowering their voice. It actually some times feel like as when people get a more expencive phone, they raise their voice another notch. Not only that: I have on occasions left the room, because I was embarrassed on their behalf.

To be honest I find people's relationship to their phone is rather annoying. So many seem to be addicted to their phone: they never really leave it alone, but check for activity on it constantly. Updates on status, messages and postings is an ongoing, constant behaviour.

People don't even see how rude it is, to abruptly disengage in their face to face conversations, just because they get a message, or a phonecall. I feel so stupid sometimes, just left hanging there.

Back in the days (a couple of years ago) we thought people talking to themselves in a loud manner were a bit.... challenged. Now they are excused because obviously they are on the phone. Even when they sing lullabyes while shopping groceries... or ask whether they should or want... or not. 

I am not on the phone, I don't have that excuse, but I searched the net, and got my reasons for talking to myself confirmed:

Here are a few things self-talk can do for you:

• Give yourself a shoutout. Even if no one else seems to be appreciating you at the moment, compliment yourself on the way you handled a difficult situation, left your comfort zone for a new adventure, or just got through a busy day.
• Give yourself a pep talk. We could all use a motivational speaker from time to time, but we don’t always have one handy. Self-talk can help you motivate yourself to achieve a goal at work, in a relationship, or in your personal behavior.
• Debate both sides of a difficult decision. Saying your options out loud and elaborating on the pros and cons can help bring the right choice to light, and you might be surprised at the unexpected direction your thoughts take when they’re audible.
• Blow off steam. If you’re not the type to confront people who tick you off, talk to yourself about how they bother you or how unfair a situation is. Introverts are especially prone to missing opportunities to assert themselves. Put the “self” back in self-assertion.
• Understand your thoughts better. Sometimes we’re sure we think one way, but our psyche tells us differently. Have you ever found yourself crying when you didn’t think anything was wrong? That’s your subconscious letting you know. Invite it to join your conversation to bring you to new levels of self-awareness.
• Rehearse a difficult conversation. Practicing what you need to say to get your points across clearly and without anger will put you in a much better position when it comes time to communicate about a tough issue.
• Boost your memory. Research shows that saying the location out loud when you place an object will help you remember where you put it.
• Shake off stress and anxiety. Who couldn’t use one more way to get rid of stress? Work it through with a monologue.
• Improve attention span and concentration. Indeed, many people with ADD talk to themselves to help bring a tangle of thoughts into focus. Notice how often you see athletes muttering under their breath before an event; they’re calming themselves down (#8) and pumping themselves up (#2). It works.

Yeah, I can do this on facebook; it even provides most tools to do it too..

Yes, I should, but I don't want to. I need to, though.

Imagine what could have been, if only...
What if I could get up in the morning, rise and shine, and feel like exercising?
Some people actually do, you know. Some people have made it a habit to gain energy, good spirits and vitality through the sacrifice of knowingly giving up a generous sleep in, almost every day.

They get up and hit the gym, or the swimmingpool, before work. They ride their bicycle to work every day, regardless of weather. Some have lunchbreaks long enough to work out at a nearby gym.
(That one I am excused from, my lunch is 25 minutes long. It would have been ridiculous to get there, get changed, work out, shower, get dressed and get back to work in 25 minutes. Not sure even Superman could have done that. My superpowers are being a mom and teaching, not speed.)

I so admire the stamina they show being persistent about staying, or getting, in shape. I wish I had self dicipline enough to get those muscles working, to push myself to the limit of gasping for air, make the pulse pound so fast and so hard I can feel it.

In spite of the apparent sacrifices, they gain the admiration of others, for being totally selfish and they don't have to go through the looks unfit people get from others, you know, the look which says: wow, how some people let themselves go is really impressive and totally impossible to phathom. Besides it's beyond unattractive.

Some say keeping up working out is not at all hard in summer, because the entire getting to location and just "be" in the present is lovely and an adventure in itself. That is when you really feel life going on here and now.

However, when its cold and wet, you just want to stay where it's warm and cuddly and nice and well, just not get up. You are perfectly fine where you are: In bed.
Problem is: you don't work up a sixpack and firm upper arms while resting.

I've talked about it for some time. Now that my youngest is so independent and responsible (he is VERY responsible. I have no idea where he got that character from), I should start bicycling to work. At least some days a week. It's only 13 kilometres, and lots of people do it every day.

I like to think I am just like any other deadly person, I can do same thing most others do, but... I was all set and mentally ready to bicycle to work.... then I woke up and it was raining; I chickened out.
I know many don't blame me, because bicycling in the rain, getting wet and tired and cold is really no fun. On the other hand: when you are wet through you can't get any wetter, and I will change into dry clothes ones I get there...

I don't know why I find it such an effort. I mean, I know I am spoiled rotten driving my own car to work. I don't have to take the bus or train or anything. I have done it for so many years, I guess I should be content having had such an easy travel to work for so many years...
but its miserable to wait for the bus or run from the busstop, carrying a heavy bag, when it raining.

It's no fun when it is windy cold and wet. It is temporarily uncomfortable, but as long as you are moving you stay warm, so it really isn't all that bad.

And, again: I live in Norway. If rain stops me, I really won't get anywhere

Autumn is knocking on the door, and in all honesty I don't mind the seasons. They all have their own charme. I love the colours, I love all the underestimated pleasures autumn gives me. What I do mind is all the excuses the season offers.

I am too old to make excuses. I need to think about all the years I was left happy not making any effort to stay fit, then I had all the years when I should have made an effort, but had a lot of good reasons not to. Now the time has come to pay for the break.

For 30 years my body looked quite ok. For the last 15 years, life has given me scars and marks which tell the story of my life. I am not that old yet... but will be soon. 

I should be able to find time to stay fit and healthy... maybe lose a few pounds... or many.
I should become better, you know? make an effort to become the best version of myself. 
Funny how I know this, and still don't set my mind on sticking to it.

I could, of course, choose the easy way out and get some surgery done to enhance my appearance, but to me it somehow feels like cheating, 
My body should reflect my life and my lifestyle, so to workout should be just as natural to me as to eat healthy, if I am concerned enough to spend time thinking about it. Not proud of the fact that I do, but I do. 
Guess I am more vain than I like to give myself credit for.

There is always time to make changes, to exercise and eat better. The process of preparing for a surgery is time consuming and quite straining. A lot must be in place before you go under the knife. You could just keep up the work and get results on your own.

Liposuction doesn't give you a healthier lifestyle, it only gives you a break from the lifestyle you have acquired over time. 
To me it would be like cheating. BUT, I do see the need if you have proper medical problem that requires it, and you need a wake up call and a jump start.

For many years I was so bothered by my friends who took gastro bypass surgeries done. I realise now how they affected me, actually, I haven't really understood untill now how much it bothered me.

Imagine how proud of myself I would feel if I achieve all that naturally. Without the talking and commenting on what to eat, what not to eat, what to wear, which nips and tucs must be done due to losing too much weight too fast.
But I have to admit I am impatient, and lack selfdicipline. Terrible combination, but it's true.

I should add pride to my list on pros and cons. I should become more proud.

It's good to have goals, and what I am at right now is to design a possible plan for thinking about maybe getting started being more set for a goal.
Every journey starts with a small step

Getting started is the hardest part, simply because I am a procrastinator by nature, I have to fight that. And I know I am stupid not to take on the challenge. The only person to lose is me, if I don't fight my flaws.

You know.... I really don't give myself an easy way out here. What I do is actually telling the entire world I need a change, I know this and I am an idiot if I don't do anything about it.

Did I want an easy way out? My "here-and-now" does. My "here-and-now" so wants an easy way out, but my shopping for a dress for christmas wants the harder way.
My self esteem in wait, wants to wear that really stark blue dress with bold pride knowing that I didn't cheat.
Oh, I Would be so stuck up nose about it, I would be unbearable to be around for months and months on. Telling everybody I could now climb stairs with more ease and all that.

Hmmmm. getting to brag and be totally entitled to... there is an incentive worth paying some thought to.