housewives back in the days

Back in the days, when I was a little girl, people didn’t just show themselves to just anyone in what they wore around the house.

I remember my mum riding her bike in her narrow skirt and tailored jacket, all dressed up for a trip to the store; her skirt so fashionable and smart and narrow her knees thwarted by every turn of the pedals.

The heels on her shoes cleared the asphalt with just about an inch and her hair was always impeccable, in spite of the wind. No sensual mane flowing freely in those days. No way.

In those days people dressed up and looked presentable when going to the store. Even if they were just to buy a pack of gum. The housewives in my neighborhood used to spend their days, doing their thing, wearing hair curlers, often under a very nicely tied scarf, in case they had to rush off to run some errand.

The hasty visit to the bathroom to remove the hair curlers, run a brush through their hair and then spray it with hairspray, hard as enamel (and smelling like it too), was a common ritual before leaving the house or open the door when someone unexpectedly rang the doorbell.

The exception was for those daily set chores like picking up the mail (at a set hour), hanging laundry (I don't even have a line, I have a drying tumbler) and other things they had to do just outside the house, where they didn’t risk meeting anyone other than other housewives, looking and wearing the exact same thing they did themselves.

They wore aprons and house coats, protecting their clothes from getting stained or wet when cooking and cleaning and polishing.

I remember the lemony smell of furniture polish and the odour of pine from the soft soap; which was used to clean just about everything. They didn’t have spray-and-mop, no wet wipes, no deodorizing air freshener: In those days they didn’t need it because the house was clean and smelled like it.

They didn’t have an income themselves, but to a large extent they administered their husband’s income. Making ends meet. And someone was always at home when the kids got back home from school. They did a tremendous contribution to family, local environment, community and society, taking care of not just their own family, but keeping an eye on everybody they could see when looking out their windows or from their garden.

Today I get the impression at home mums are very busy outside the home: going to lunches, training or whatever they feel like doing when they have time on their hands.

I miss the mums from my childhood. I miss feeling secure and taken care of, and at the same time I sometimes wonder if they were happy?

I mean, today we take it for granted that women in Norway have a job of some sorts. When I was a kid a house cost 4 times one average income. Today an average house costs approximately 4 times two average incomes. A family needs two incomes to have the same standard of living as they did 30+ years ago.

We don’t bother to dress up to go to the store, or to have impeccable hair at all times (not even at work!), we drive everywhere and instead of protecting our clothes from occasional stains we change clothes, choosing from our extensive wardrobes.

We know all the tricks how to make house chores fast and easy… and we still end up in a stress mess wondering how to get time for it all. But we do. At the end of the day we add and subtract activities to our daily lives which makes us feel happy, and we buy whatever aid needed to help doing whatever seems like a needless waste of time. Like cleaning robots.

I know that when I was a kid, my parents remembered their childhood with the same sentimental mind I remember mine. And what we remember, and tell stories about, are most often the people who used to surround us.

They say everything was better before… not sure before what, but I do know it was before something.

My aunts and their sister bewilder me

In my house I have to admit that most of the time you will find chaos. I don’t really understand why, because I know how to keep order, I know how to clean, I know what to do to the laundry, I know all the smart things to do to stay up-to-date on everything which needs to be done in a house. And yet I live in constant fear my aunts will drop by unannounced.

Pretty strange thing to be worried about, you may think. But the result of them coming to my house and witness my muddled home, would be both disturbing and shameful.

I could have written a novel about the relationship my mother has to her sisters. But, in short, it is a relationship based on phone calls every morning; to update what happened yesterday to who and why and when and where and then they exchange an outline on today’s agenda. My parents don’t live close by, but they are informed on what goes on, through my aunts’ detailed reports. The internet, in this case Facebook, has added to this flow of information, so the net is tightening in, so to speak.

It is not like as if they come by my house very often, just every now and again, but for some strange reason the infrequent visits keeps me in a state of nervous alert.

So how come the possibility of them dropping by is so nerve-racking?

Well, both my aunts are experienced housewives. Women who have long life experience in keeping house, and they have done so with excellence, at least apparently, and they know what to look for when they are to disclose evasion. They know how to inspect an area or an item for flaws.

So, while comfortably sitting in the sofa, drinking coffee, chit chatting about nothing and everything, I can literally feel their radar beam aerial scanning the room for information on the state of my house, kids, kitchen countertop, top of baseboards… they know the traps, and how to create my downfall.

Next time my mother calls, usually a couple of hours later, she comments upon everything my aunts have reported/commented upon: Why don’t I water my house plants? Why haven’t I folded all the towels in the tumble dryer? I really should have dusted the lamp shades on my bracket lamps in the hallway… And when she has listed all my shortcomings she sums it up in two sentences: “I raised you better than this.” And “I am so happy they always feel so welcome and relaxed when they come to your place for a visit.”

“I raised you better than this”? No, she didn’t. I remember what our house looked like when I was a kid. And believe me: It was never impeccable! No matter how bad she would like to seem like the perfect housewife; she wasn’t. Being a mum with four kids, living on a farm and working full time as a nursing aid could possibly have something to do with it…

“I am so happy they always feel so welcome and relaxed when they come to your place for a visit”? Yeah, I only wish the feeling was mutual, because they all make me feel like living on an edge. On one side I get utter denunciation, on the other side I get the thumbs up.

I am 40+ years old. I am not sure I am old enough, let alone ready, to handle either. They tear me down and stamp on my self-esteem, then they raise me up and give me compliments, with residual flavor, leaving me like a question mark: What did just happen?

Wanderlust

Found this poem in the book Wanderlust, by Danielle Steele


Wander, wander,
  wandering
    meandering,
    the urge to roam,
     to dance,
      to fly,
       to be,
      the search for
     free,
   the need to see
  to go
  to find
to search
  to do,
   my thirsts
    so easily quenched
   so close to home
  and yours so grand,
so elegant,
  so marvelous,
   climbing mountaintops
     and elephants
      and tiger hunts
       and dancing bears
      and far off stars
     and trips to mars
   and all of it
  so wild,
so vast,
  so free,
   as you go wander,
    wander,
     wandering,
      and then the best
       part of all
        when, satisfied,
       complete,
      and happy now,
     you wander
   slowly
  home
to me.

March 8

Today is the International Women's Day. Many disagree that we need a day devoted to women and focus on their status in society. Well, in many countries women do suffer from suppression, on many levels. I would say women do in every country, even here in Norway we see, in example, women doing the same job men do, with less pay. That is not showing respect for skills: That is to discriminate sex and is a way to make someone feel less worthy than another person.
Many will shake their heads and say that is trifle, not even worth mentioning, but it is, it is not right, and even though many struggle with greater issues, what is not right is wrong! I feel it has to do with keeping up prejudices.

I was going to write a posting on how I feel women should help themselves to become an even better version of themselves. How to be strong and independent and a force to reccon with. How to find courage to achieve selfesteem and strength to make their life more fulfilling. It would be my contribution to this day...

But then I came across this site, which is compatible to what I feel myself, so:

How to Be a Strong Independent Woman

Being a strong, independent woman doesn't necessarily require that you be a die-hard feminist. Rather, it means learning to express who you are at your core, whether you are shy and soft-spoken or loud and assertive, without trying to fit a certain mold implied by your being a female. Read this article to learn how to undo this type of societal preconditioning and be the woman you are, whoever that may be.

Part One: Undoing Negative Social Conditioning

1.    Don't compare yourself to other women. While there is nothing wrong with having a female role model to look up to, constantly feeling jealous of other women will leave you feeling horrible about yourself. Though jealousy is natural to some degree, western society tends to exacerbate female jealousy through advertisements and films that feature unrealistic standards of beauty. The result is a culture of women who feel insecure and unhappy with their own bodies.

·         The first step to overcoming jealousy is to recognize when you are experiencing it. If you find yourself reading a magazine and comparing your own body to those of the models, take a moment to remind yourself that a) these women are paid to look the way they do, and many of them lead very unhealthy lives to maintain their figures, and b) the camera really does add weight; women who look "perfect" in magazines or in movies usually look gaunt in real life.

·         Try not to compare your own negative qualities with other women's positive qualities. Every woman has her own best assets, whether it is her breasts, her legs, her arms, her eyes, her hair, or her butt. Let go of trying to have it all, and appreciate what you do have.

2.    Don't base your happiness on being in a relationship. Having a man (or woman) to love should enhance your life, not define it. No matter how bad you may think you need a relationship, you must first learn to love yourself before you can even begin to love somebody else.

·         Remember that nothing lasts forever. Even the perfect relationship might end one day, so you need to be sure that you have a strong enough cushion to land on after a breakup or divorce.

·         If you are already in a relationship, be sure you have other things going on in your life outside of the relationship, whether it is school, work, friends, a fitness routine, or your family.

3.    Don't feel obligated to follow fashion trends. Being an independent woman means dressing the way you want, regardless of what people around you are telling you to wear. Use fashion as a way to express your mood, your taste, and your creativity.

·         Remember that there's a reason why designers use 90-pound models on their runways: not everything that is en vogue is figure-flattering. When deciding what to wear, you should take into account your body type as well as your personal taste.

·         There's nothing wrong with being fashion-forward, but don't force yourself to keep up with trends that you don't like or that don't look good on you. If you enjoy keeping up with the trends, then learn how to make them work for you by putting your own personal spin on them.

4.    Protect your sexuality. Every woman, at one point or another, encounters a man who wants to take advantage of her sexually. It is important to learn both how and when to say no to a man who is making unwelcome advances on you.

·         If a man forces himself on you, then absolutely tell somebody. Society has taught women to feel ashamed or embarrassed for being molested, even going so far as to claim that some women are "asking for it." Letting a man get away with a sexual crime teaches him that it is okay to do it again in the future.

·         Report sexual harrassment in the workplace or at school. Remember that reporting these kinds of acts is not just for your own good; it could prevent the man from harrassing other women in the future.

·         If you live in a big city or otherwise unsafe neighborhood, carry around pepper spray or a pocket knife with you wherever you go.

 

Part Two: Expressing Yourself

1.    Stay educated. Being educated not only gives you the skills and knowledge you will need to pursue your career, it also makes you more well-respected by the people you encounter in your life. Your level of education (whether formal or informal) reflects your intelligence and shows others that you care about things other than your own personal life.

·         Remember that not all education has to be formal (i.e. attained through an institution like a university). Keep up with current events in politics, science and technology, read books (both fiction and non-fiction), learn another language, watch documentaries, and so on.

2.    Stand up for yourself. Whether you are a man or a woman, you will have to learn to fend for yourself in the real world if you want to avoid being taken advantage of. You must learn how to stand up for yourself at school, at work, and in your social life.

·         If you hear somebody making a sexist, racist, or otherwise disrespectful comment, don't let it slide. This doesn't necessarily mean engaging in an argument; calmly tell the person that what he or she said is not appreciated.

·         Let people know when they have wronged you. If somebody betrays you in any way, be sure to let him or her know. This will prevent the person from repeating the behavior in the future.

3.    Take care of your body. Personal strength is manifested physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you want to be a strong, independent woman, you need look no further than your own body.

·         Exercise for 30 minutes every single day. You don't have to be an olympic champion to be in good shape; go for a jog around the neighborhood, take your dog for a walk, or go for a bike ride. Staying in shape improves your overall health, your mood, and your energy levels, which will improve your performance in all aspects of your life.

·         Your diet should consist of fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, whole grains, and some dairy. Stay away from excess sugar and fat.

4.    Manage your finances. If you want to be truly independent, you must learn how to pay for your own life so that you don't have to rely on other people. Spend your money wisely, and avoid wasteful or frivolous expenditures.

·         Know your income. When evaluating your income, be sure to take into account the deductions, include state and federal taxes, that will come out of your gross pay.

·         Check your bank statements regularly, and be sure to keep your own records as well so that you can catch errors.

·         Prioritize your spending. Your top priorities should be on your basic necessities like food, shelter, and clothing. Things like expensive clothes, concerts, and vacations are luxuries. Learn how to differentiate between necessities and luxuries.

5.    Give to others. One of the best ways you can exert your strength is to give back to those who are less fortunate than you. You don't have to be rich or affluent to make a positive impact in your community, so start small.

·         Consider volunteering at a non-profit organization in your community. Identify what issues you are most passionate about. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, your local SPCA, or other community development program.

·         Practice random acts of kindness. You don't have to become a formal volunteer to give back. If you see somebody in need, then help them. Even as small an act as helping somebody carry boxes can brighten up his or her day.

Finding a strong female role model to look up to can help you find the inspiration you need to feel more independent. This woman can be a family member, a female suffragist, or a female artist or politician.

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Strong-Independent-Woman

beaten by circumstances

«One minute early, one minute late; this is what we’re calling fate…» Well, fate has it in for me, these days: Timing on events in life is really bad and the extent of them are even worse: I mean: recently I feel I have been tested undeservedly harshly and really, really bad! (Just can’t stress that enough!)

Last week I stayed at home with sick kids, both Tuesday and Wednesday… Little did I know it was only the beginning of a really bad week.

Thursday night, after a rather successful day with nothing going wrong, and kids up and running, my son stepped on a broken mug and got a splinter of porcelain stuck in his heel. I had to take him to the emergency clinic to cut it out.

A splinter like that is very painful, I know, but knowing my son I made an effort to act and appear rather brusque. Not the best behavior in a mum with a son in severe pain. The doctor looked at me with disbelief as I showed little compassion when he was to set the anaesthetization.

He looked at me and nodded after having done the deed: My son is a very dramatic kid. I am not talking about sulking and moaning: I am talking full protest, colorful phrasing (I am proud he does not swear, but he knows a lot of descriptive expressions and clichés!) and a very descriptive body language. The young, tall, dark, handsome, tired and very skilled doctor had to hide his giggle, as it was very entertaining. I have to extol his proficiency: If he had not read the situation right, we could have ended up experiencing real commotion. And believe me: I have had my moments at the checkout counter in the grocery store, where all the candy is displayed for kids to see and within their reach. (These days, when I see mums and dads in distress as they try to handle their kid’s tantrum, I smile and tell them I am just grateful it isn’t my turn today. They seem to relax when they understand it’s  common thing, and not them who are bad parents.)

All in all it went well, in spite of me dreading, in advance, what lay ahead when I got the kid in the car and drove off towards the clinic: I know my son.

I didn’t tell him the doctor had to cut the splinter out with a scalpel, not until the day after; he thought the doctor just pulled it out with tweezers… to conceal what was going on with his heel was a choice of convenience, on my part.

Anyway: Friday, both my younger kids had a really high temperature, again, and stayed in bed most of the day. For a 6-year old and a 12-year old kid to stay in bed they have to feel really poorly. Suddenly the house was in order for an entire day (every night, before I go to bed, I tidy up around the house, find and gather the socks discarded during the day, put toys back in place, load and start the dishwasher… in order to not get up in the morning and just feel overwhelmed, I need to know I face a shameless house in the morning), no cartoons on TV, no laptop noises: The house felt just strange. Empty almost.

Friday night the vomiting started and through the night I changed beds and offered drinks (always a challenge to make sure they drink enough, especially when they have both a temperature and nausea) and made them take a pill so ease their unwell condition. Didn’t get a lot of sleep myself… (Not that I sleep for too long anyway, but I need my three hours!)

Saturday morning they started to get better, at least they could keep water down, and from then on they got better.

Sunday morning they felt great! And the turmoil which appears in their presence was again established in the house.

I felt sick.

Usually I don’t get what the kids have. I am normally quite resistant to all the tummy bugs, but not this time. I am still a bit shocked over how sorry I felt for myself. My entire body ached so bad; even my eyeballs hurt.

But the kids were fine. I tried very hard to be grateful for that. Their friends (who came over earlier than usual (there is a “rule” no one comes over before 10am on Sundays) because their parents were feeling a bit off, were in full activity, and I tried very hard not to wish they were sick and at home. When they talked it felt as if they were shouting, and the boisterousness made my ears sweat.

Some days are just best forgotten about, and Sunday is one of them, though I have to admit most of it I just remember in a haze of vague memories… like how my dog showed so much elation, when I finally had the energy to move a little, in bed, I seriously had to consider whether to take him for a walk or plan to embrace myself and clean up the mess. I ended up just letting him out in the garden. I know I prepared meals, but only because the kids were nagging about it: they were sick of cereals, and I vaguely remembered they had been sick as well, and needed the nutrition.

I felt thoroughly sorry for myself. I might have shed a couple of tears, but my eyes were watering from hurt and high temperature anyway, so I can’t be quite sure.

I suppose this Sunday taught me to be grateful for my (in general) good health, but it will take some time for me to forgive Universe for hitting that hard.