Happy 10th birthday, Iphone.

On January 9, 2007, the late Apple CEO Steve Jobs walked on stage at the Moscone Center in San Francisco to introduce the first iPhone. "Today, Apple is going to reinvent the phone," Jobs proclaimed. The message was heard, but I am not sure they all understood.

It took a bit of glitches and crashes. It took some time, but Iphone shipped June 29, 2007. And Jobs was right: The smartphone changed everything.

"In 2001, we introduced the first iPod, and it didn't just change the way we all listen to music, it changed the entire music industry. Well, today, we're introducing three revolutionary products of this class. The first one is a widescreen iPod with touch controls. The second is a revolutionary mobile phone. And the third is a breakthrough Internet communications device. So, three things: a widescreen iPod with touch controls; a revolutionary mobile phone; and a breakthrough Internet communications device. An iPod, a phone, and an Internet communicator. An iPod, a phone...are you getting it? These are not three separate devices, this is one device, and we are calling it iPhone. Today, Apple is going to reinvent the phone, and here it is. No, actually here it is, but we're going to leave it there for now."
10 years later things have gone so far that many people I know, most of them, actually, check their phone so often it is quite annoying to others. Every 2.6 minutes I check on my own phone, it is just a swift discretion, but when others do it... well it feels very impolite as if I am the one to interrupt. I feel less important, I feel I bore whoever I talk to.

The phrase: "I have to take this", has become so common, people think it is quite acceptable. When they say it themselves, that is.

Back in the days, 10 years ago, evenings and weekends were time for family, friends, fun and relaxation. Those times have drastically changed with smartphones. Laptops, even, are old school. Now, we take our work (and problems) home with us where we continue working in between social media entertainment, dates, work outs, apps and games, and meals. We keep track on work late into the night, even when there has been no updates for the last 5 hours.

It's gone so far they in France found grounds to make a ruling: France gives workers 'right to disconnect' from office email. They found it necessary to protect people from their own madness. Working as a teacher I see young people adopting the smartphone lifestyle even more intense than my own generation, who grew up knowing other values.

It's a habit, a bad habit, people think everybody else has, and a lifestyle to a large extent expected in people who take their work, their distant and close friends, and leisure time, seriously.

To put the phone away is so difficult it hurts. We have mobile hotels in our school. Designed safekeeping boxes where the phone should be placed during lessons. My students never get used to it. They keep trying to not hand the phone in, making all kinds of excuses, just to keep the phone near. They tell me they will keep it in their pocket... when I tell them that since they are not going to check on it, or use it, it might as well be kept in the mobile hotel. They are very reluctant, and not happy about it at all.

It has gone so far our comfort zone depend on knowing where the phone is at all times, and to really know where it is, it has to be so close you can see it and hold it at all times. It seems like our phones are attached to our hips and hands at all time, or put next to the laptop or dinnerplate on the table in plain sight.

We reach for our phone when we’re bored, busy, waiting in line, sitting at a stoplight, on the bus, or pretty much whenever we have a free second. Not only that, but to watch a movie with family and friends is just a lost cause. The cozyness is taken out of the experience by their multitasking on their phone and tablet while watching the movie. Or at least care enough about the movie to ask what happened every ten minutes.

According to a study by MobileInsurance.com, the average person spends 90 minutes a day on their phone, which equals to 23 days a year and 3.9 years in their lifetime. 90 minutes we refuse to acknowledge being disconnected from the present realtime.
After all, a snap, a message, a quick scroll takes no time at all.

We check our mail and social media in fear of what we might find, and even bigger fear of what we might miss out on. Actually we don't miss out on anything, but we are afraid that if we do not respond in expected or appropriate way within really short time, somebody might get insulted, and we could suffer consequences.... like less likes next time we post one of our 15 selfies the next day.

We check our email and social media even if we know there is nothing new but we do it anyways to find that quick shot of dopamine to make us feel temporarily better. Resent research found we get a kick out of We open another game of Candy Crush so we will look busy and not lost. We pretend to be with friends while looking at some stranger's new posting on instagram or flickr.

Maybe the innovation of the smartphone was a good thing. It is a handy tool for communication, that's for sure. You can even call someone with the device. But when I scroll through my phone, and look at my apps, I realize my entire life is tracked and evaluated. My recipes, my alarms, my game score, my calendar, my work out, my work, my music, my money and my spending... 

The apps launched feed the development of 10 new apps we really need to download.
I think it's time to get real. To cut back on the infatuation and obsession, and return to real life with real friends. Friends with bad breath from today's garlic lunch and the most catching laughter there is. 


It's time to reduce the smartphone to what it is: marvellous, handy and diverse, but seriously getting out of control.

We need to take back control of our time. We need to set our priorities straight; at the end of the day decide what is truly important to us, and then spend our time accordantly.

Yes, happy birthday smartphone. You really changed everything, indeed.

communicating and confirm relationships

It has happened that I, during a conversation, fall into thoughts about what it is we really speak about. It's a lot like:
- Do we speak? I mean; really speak to one another?
- Yes, of course! What is it you want to say?
- I know we hear eachother talking, but do we really listen? Do we answer to the questions we are afraid to address? Or do we dismiss them as insignificant, because it is more comfortable?

In all the relationships we keep, and claim we nurture, there has to be trust that the other one will never intetionally hurt us, or expose our weak moments.
It's a lot like marriage; both partners have that need for security: the undisputable guarantee of time set aside, acceptance, of love…especially from one another.

Psychological abuse is just that: exposure of our weak moments... whether it's feelings we thought we once had, or traits, and then taking advantage of them to break the other person into dysfunctional dependency. It's just plain cruel.

We need to know we have worth as individuals; that our lives as a man or  as a woman count for something, that there is a purpose for our existence, that we are significant and a pillar for our relationship. Not just our role or function, but that we count and are important to eachother.
And to have that, you need to listen. You need to take an interest in your partner or friend.

I have heard men and women explain the failure in fidelity by saying: "It didn't mean anything!"
I don't think people who say that fathom the second betrayal they commit the instant those words are uttered. By admitting to breaking the trust, for something they discard that easily; as not important, is really harsh.
(Unless the agreement of an open relationship is settled, of course). Fidelity is the core in a couple's synergy. Which means you break out by doing something insignificant, when it is obvious to everybody you should have known that to the other person it means everything. You just didn't listen and understand.

I have heard people say that it wasn't the cheating itself, in the physical sense, which was the worst. What really bothered them, to the extent of breakdown, was the thought of the pillowtalk. The risk they have been exposed. 
You know... the conversation that happens after, or before, being intimate. It's infinitely better than normal conversation because there's touching involved. There is presence.
And what lies in the nature of pillowtalk is the life-support system of the strong and unshakable relationship we desire to a partner.

But how do we affirm true connection to one another?
I would say the sure confirmation is when you bother talking to eachother. By listening. By caring enough to communicate.
After all we communicate in so many different ways. Sometimes with a look and other times with a touch. Yet in our relationships, there need to be words. We need to hear each other’s voice, what the other is thinking, feeling, dealing with, dreaming of.

True connection also include disagreement and arguing, not fighting, but to feel safe when you speak up and state your mind. To feel it is ok to have different opinions.

I told a friend that I tell the people I love I love them. He just looked at me with a blank gaze, then shook his head and said "the people I love know, without me saying". I'm not convinced we do.

The way we communicate with one another can make a difference. Relationships differ; Some are strong, some weak, some have  joy and others have pain, some are blessed with good health and wholeness, some bear nothing than destruction.
The thing is: communication can ease hurt, and enforce happiness.

It is all in the art of communication, and it literally permeates every aspect of a relationship.
Maybe one of us loves to talk, while the other is quieter. However, because healthy communication is critical to our relationship, we need to do whatever it takes to learn to communicate in an effective way. Nothing else shows more clearly that we truly care for and value our loved one above ourselves. It doesn't cost a lot to say hello and smile. It is easy to just stroke an arm or a back as you pass by. Easy to do and important signs you care and know the other person is there.

We need to learn to listen to one another: to allow and encourage honesty, openness, vulnerability. To exchange thoughts, ideas, hopes, dreams, fears, and failures with one another in such a way that we break even and share life without fear of rejection and judgment. Then you can truly claim you have a true and healthy relationship.