Change

Change. It's a mighty word when you think about it; ever so easy to say but you need to put thoughts, effort and consistency into it to make it last.
Funny isn't it, to make change last; it's such an oxymoron just to say that, and yet it is true.

It's much like love, in that respect. We tend to love this and that all the time, and the bar is low; we love chocolate, we love the beach, we love potatoes, we love our family (most of the time)... At the end of the day it turns out that the minute we involve somebody else in our love circle, love becomes more complicated. Then love imply some sort of obligation, commitment and conditions.
To put it short: When you love somebody else, and no longer just yourself and your own likings, and you appreciate others, you need to make changes to maintain that love.

Anyway. We experience small changes and bigger changes, they all have in common that changes make things different.
The reason we want changes is, after all, we are not completely happy about the way things are, so different must be good then, right?
I am not quite convinced, because I myself have things I would like to change in my life, but... and there is a huge but: There is a reason why things are how they are. There is a reason why I don't find everything in my life perfect: after everything is said and done, after all my excuses for not having made things better, the reason why days go by the same manner they have is that I am stuck in a comfort zone. And that is a good, safe place to be.

I need  a few changes in my life. Funny I think that, because I have found people are less demanding than I think they are. But the changes I want are more about the fact that I feel I do what I think other people expect me to do, rather than doing what I want to do.

Women have this pressure they think they are supposed to want more, that they should want better and have higher standards. Just look at the magazines written for women: they are written to your future, perfect you.
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" ~John Lennon~
Still true, I think. We plan for the future, and not for here and now, and what we did plan for now is forgotten in the chanse for what will be next, so we chase for the future and don't stop to think.

I made a few searches online, go get some inspiration on how to make changes happen.
They write boldly about how it is you and how you are which is important, and then, by the flip of a coin they continue by telling you to change your looks, get fit, and eat healthy. Changing turns out to always become a quest for fitting into a norm. A standard set by strangers, who couldn't care less about you as an individual.

That's just it, isn't it? You should look at where you are, because where ever you are is where you are at. And if where you are at, is not where you want to be, then you need to think carefully and find out where you want to be in life.

Life brings you blessings, but it also hits hard. One blow after another makes you feel trapped in changes you had no saying in. And those changes are so very hard to deal with. It's like they put you off from taking part in the adventures which could have been. These changes are bad, because when we don't know what to do we tend to do the wrong thing. The urge to act then and there is so intrusive we see them as problems which have to be solved rather than opportunities to do the unexpected but right thing.

But then, on those rare occasions, you experience timing so perfect it's hard not to believe it was meant to be.

At the end of the comfort zone is where changes, and life, happen.
Another thing I found online is that as soon as somebody brings up changes, they talk about it as if you live in a bubble where only you exist. They make it all about you, your needs and you spending money to make things change.

Real life isn't like that. For most of us being that selfish is bad.
Most of us have people in our lives which we are accountable to. We can't just sign out and disregard people in our life. We all have people we care for, love and are responsible for.
They don't drop everything to watch you find yourself.

So, is it impossible to change? To make things, life, different?
No, but you have to find out where you are now, who is there with you, and then look at your goal and find those small twists worth the while, because they will give you the pleasure of stop feeling the pain from all the memories and emotions you were deprived of.

Maybe your twist is start drinking water instead of soft drinks. maybe it is writing job applications (the hardest part about that is preparing yourself to the possebility you might have to leave your coworkers and find your role at another workplace) and send them off. Maybe your twist is to walk or bicycle to work or school. maybe it is getting up an hour early and swim in the morning, or join cooking classes. Not just to get fit or anything, but more to break out and see new, friendly faces. Then you control the change in your life.

We should not fear changes. Those inflicted upon us are opportunities, those we make happen are spending the moment doing something now to move along.

Change should not be a lot of hard work. Better never is. It is the beginning of another wanted adventure.

Home

I was walking my dog the other night, like I do every night. It was so freezing cold every step on the ground gave a loud creak. The snow we got two nights before, had frosen into this moonlit glittering duvet which seemed to have tucked in the entire world.
This very late, most windows had that warm glow they get, when it's cold outside and so very comfortably warm inside. Others had turned lights down, but I could see the blue flikkering lights from a TV. Some were asleep.
Like the eyes are the windows to one's soul, the windows are the spy holes into a home.
A home is so private. What we call home is where we feel we belong.

Looking at them, as I walked by, bringing a broken silence to the night, I found myself in soaring thoughts about how, in all of these houses and apartments, people have decided to live and nest. They have surrounded themselves with colours and things they love. Valuables, memorabilias, sensible and smart tools, device and equipment, rubbish and just... stuff.
They have all chosen their style and standard, or lack of thereof. Every home is where somebody returns to after going away. That is where they belong and create their life.

Like thoughts often do, they wandered. They wandered to my parents, who no longer can live in their own home. And I thought about how we all refuse to let them mourne their home.
We ignore the sadness, and keep telling them that where they are now is just brilliant, so easy to clean, so perfectly downsized, so bright and modern... It's all very convenient and efficient, but it's not home.

Some of their things they found space for, most are left behind, in a home they probably never get to visit again. They are sad that where they fought and made up, brought up their children and grandchildren, worked hard and played hard is now abandoned. Not counting much to anybody, except in the stories we tell. It has become a treasured memory.
And we forget how important we find our own home, how worthy of huge expences when we find it's time to reorganize and redecorate.

I know people who on regular basis throw all their accessories and ornaments out, and replace it with current modern style.
I know people who cherish everything they have brought into their house, and refuse to change anything, except for adding another piece of toiletpaperroll art, carefully created by a familymember at kindergarden or school.
I know people who keep their home a showroom, and I know people who live and let live in their home.

I thought about how I left my own home, as I rushed out the door to let the pacing dog do his thing: Starwars lego was carefully lined up at the coffee table, unfolded socks piled up at the dining table,,, I do hope they are all pairs this time, the cushions in the sofa scattered about and notebooks, belonging to subjects like science, French, English, maths, religion... carelessly left on where ever was a free spot at the time homework was done. I thought about my dreams of how I would furnish my house, and how it turned out. It doesn't refect my taste, but it does reflect my heritage and where we come from.

My home is lived in, I wish it was more of a showroom, but I have this solid belief there is a difference in untidyness: the kind we create by doing stuff, and the kind created because we don't care.
I care... I just don't have the capacity to nag all the time.
Instead I am going to appreciate more I have a home, and am allowed to live there.