When Computers Compute... Or Whatever They Do

Computers tend to frustrate me; a lot! Always has, right from my first encounter with a "New Brain".
I chose computer as elective subject in school in 1984.
My father got a terrible rash when I aired my wish for choosing crafts, miniature shooting, taking the certificate to ride a moped or another light subject. He stated "computers are the future!" And that was end of discussion.

So I hammered away on a keyboard I knew nothing about, in a language called Basic, which I knew nothing about, and my teacher barely knew even that.
What I remember from those classes is something like:
10 print "Bjorg is cool"
20 goto 10
run

Picture stolen from racketboy.com

I learned enough to help my cousin type in meters long lists of codes, in order to get games on his computer. Codes which, after error checks and completed typing, would be stored on cassettes after days of effort.
Then we had to load the cassettes into the computer every time we wanted to play a game.

Great things have happened within digital innovations since then. The mouse, the floppy discs, the discettes, internet, cd-rom, USB, the size, the weight, the graphics... you name it. It is hard to avoid computers and using them now.
Personal service and a friendly smile has been replaced by digits and keys.

Actually I know nothing about computers. My son accidentally broke the screen on his laptop (you can't tell by looking at it, you have to turn it on to see the image of a broken screen!?), and I have no idea what to look for in order to buy him the right one.

So I haven't gotten him a new one yet... rom, ram, processer, graphics... which is what and why and how is not very clear to me, simply because I normally take no interest.

Just for fun I went into a store and told the young man working there I wanted a red laptop. He turned slightly pale and asked what I was looking for?
-I just want a red laptop, I replied.
-But, surely you have some priorities on how you use it and what you use it for?
-No, it must be red!
Even though I felt a bit sorry for the poor guy, I wasn't going to tell him I already knew which laptop I wanted, and that I knew that was the only one they got in the colour red.
It was almost as if he hesitated to sell me a laptop, all together, he acted as if he was in distress. I am sure he needed a well deserved break after I left.

No, I know very little about computers, but just like the car: I am fairly ok at using it.

Internet has always been my friend, ever since 1992, when we got our first analog modem and listened to the terrible noise, for quite a few minutes, to get online.... and find nothing.
Back then it was almost as if we wanted to find something on the internet, we had to put it out there ourselves. And we did. No pictures, though, mind you.

Today my entire life is, to some degree, connected to computers and internet. Hah, even the sky. My thoughts, my doings, my commitments, my finances... it's all there. And it is convenient most of the time.

Last week I was reminded to order milk at school for my kids, and I placed the order, paid and scheduled it.
Problem is, it is too advanced. It annoys me. Too many parties are taking advantage.
So many sites are so filled with contents it takes forever to download and access. The better internet I got, the less patience I notice I have. I get more impatience now than I did before.

And where did I store my work and pictures? I have a C:, a D:, an F:, then I have the mutual external hard drive and the "sky". Trying to keep up order is really a mastermind task.

For some time things got even more complicated, and false links sneaked in, even on my online bank.
I wrote customer service, telling them how disappointed I was to experience they offered prizes on their customers' surveys, which were actually expensive subscriptions I committed to, unless it was unsubscribed within 2 days.
They wrote me back and told me it was the toolbar on my computer, not them.

When I opened a page, another one would open as well, with a video of a man telling me how to make lots of money in no time and with no effort.
I didn't want any of it, and tried to clean my laptop from everything my virus control reacted to... and then some. Not quite sure what I removed, but I did remove something, just not the right thing.

Needless to say, I got very frustrated. Foul words and stomping my foot in annoyance did no good. I couldn't figure it out.

I have an online friend in London, who I early on adopted as my computer oracle. We were chatting and I poured out my distress, complaining about how frustrated I was, but no, I wanted to be stubborn and do it myself.... of course I gave in.
I gave him the code and password and soon I could see the mouse moving on my screen, clicking this and that, entering folders and files... it was scary. It was like a sci fi happening right before my very eyes. Not only did it happen, but suddenly I got this feeling of someone tampering with my private life. I have no secrets, but that somehow didn't matter much.

I told him how uncomfortable it was.
- I saw nothing, I just did the job.

I was so grateful when we checked the laptop after: no pop ups, no extra "informative" pages, no ads covering what I wanted to read... I didn't really care. Besides I know him well enough to trust him.

Then I saw it:
-But, but... when I enter the control panel to check on programs to uninstall, it's there! I have not been able to delete it! You didn't delete it!
Even when I wrote these comments I was thinking how cunning it was to take the opportunity to get access to my laptop and go through the most private I've got in my life: my files on my computer. Yes, I am shameful to admit the doubt sneaked in on me for a split second.

-It's not there, it's empty. There is nothing in there.
He is my computer oracle, after all, and I know he knows what he is talking about, but there was this brief moment of sadness when I thought about how everything I have learned about computers for the last 30+ years crumbled.
I have learned that computers is nothing but 0s and 1s, but every 0 and every 1 are significant, and suddenly a troublesome folder, which can't be removed, is of no significance. It is only there to annoy me and pretend to be a problem!

The next day I got Windows 10, which was sent to me because I had reserved it. All I had to do was to click on the link, and it downloaded, installed, configured apps, shut down and started up again my computer several times... by itself.

Computers are machines, which only do what we tell them to do. If I tell it to do the wrong thing, the wrong thing is done.
Now I struggle with the thought of what if the link had been a mock link, and someone took advantage of my trust in windows?

I Happen To Like To Communicate.

I don't, but not always by choice. 
It's like involuntary showing 
mysterious wisdom. 

I am one of those people who constantly feel I have a lot to say, about most topics. I enjoy to be opinionated, I thrive when I get to ponder and wonder about how different standing points could, perhaps, look upon the matter, what their reaction to situations would be like, or how access to resources or different stages of life impose lifestyle. I am one of those people who think I can add something to just about any topic talked about.

I don't really get to air my comments to others much. For some reason I get interrupted a lot, and instead of claiming my space, I tend to withdraw. I speak up because I have this eager thought I would hate to let common sense burn out inside of me for never to be uttered. Only to find my own words just fade out in the buzz of other, louder voices.

As alarming it may sound, and this is totally true: I have not yet, after 28 years, had a proper conversation with my in-laws. That's right; I always end up listening, and then my husband interfere and pretends he is talking for the both of us. Most times he does, because we agree to a large extent, but still; even him.

Then, when I come across people who listen to me, I get so startled I forget every name, event and even word I am about to say. Many times I am left with this bitter taste in my mouth that I didn't get to express what I really meant. It just comes out the wrong, stuttering, insecure way. And leaves my partner in conversation just.... totally confused.

Like... at a Christmas party I told a woman that: "You have been bugging me through this entire holiday!!! You keep popping up as a possible connection, and I must have sent you like 20 invitations on Linkedin."

The poor woman tried to excuse herself, for not having sorted out her Linkedin profile for years, and that she had several profiles... some not active, but she would get it sorted now that her son was at home.

I, on the other hand, sounded like a pathetic idiot, who couldn't take no for an answer. I guess pure luck saved her from adding me. Of course; now that she has sorted out her profiles, she is not accepting me. Not sure I would either.

I would probably be holding a restraining order if we lived in the States, and I wouldn't blame her.

On that note: it is a woman I enjoy being around a lot! really! I just have to figure out how to fix our relationship back to friendly.

Just because of that, blogging is a perfect forum for me. This is where everything I got on my chest can be expressed, with a hint of eloquence, without me feeling muffled or that I say something nobody really cares to listen to. I don't steal anybody's precious time by forcing them to listen to my rambling on.

Here I can talk uninterruptedly knowing whoever reads what I write do so by free will and no obligation, no strings attached... ok, so it has happened I send a link or two to somebody I feel could find some entertainment out of reading what I wrote about this or that. But it is still volunteerly for them to actually read it.

At least they will get the notion I know something about something... if not anything else, I know words.

In spite of having a blog with no other agenda than the one I present above (or below, in this case):

There are so many blogs out there. This is mine. I don't expect it to be particularly good, but it is my life and my thoughts on life and the world as I see it.

Having a blog gives me the opportunity to explore, amuse, challenge, provoke and maybe even look upon values and morals with an unexpected twist.

It is an egotrip where I get to post my own opinions, in my own words, and I get the satisfaction at least I uttered them out there, for anybody to see... if they care to.

That being said. I really don't get a lot of comments or sharing of my blog. As much as I tend to bloom in the spotlight of attention on facebook, the blog has become a different matter. Not everything I write is entirely true: I maybe exaggerate or understate, but there is always a core of some truth. My truth.

Since this is a lot more sincere than my successful facebook-life (mind you, my display of an alleged successful life, in spite of my humble 140+ friends), where likes and clicks and sharing is a huge part of being active, I think I would be intimidated if I got too many comments displayed in public here on my blog. I don't mind them, by all means, I love them! It means I have hit some sort of nerve, and getting them is probably just a matter of getting used to. (Read: Feel free!) Like Chris Brogan once said: “If you accept all the praise, you have to accept all the critics.” And that's fair.

I do enjoy the emails I get from you, and I do try to reply them all. Maybe not right away, but shortly.

I just read through what I just wrote, and I have to say: who am I trying to fool?

Everybody knows that positive feedback is like a drug: you just crave more and more of it, and more often. And after a while you start to get discontent if nobody gets to see what a raging (moderate) success you are.

But then I think to myself: I will never have 50 000 followers on my blog, I will never be a top notch commercial blogger, but I do feel like I get my voice out there. I show how I feel about things, and state my opinions, without being interrupted, and that is still, to me, of the greatest value. (And that is why, when I feel very strong about something, I write it down and send a link, or email, to my husband...)

Because, after all, just like Tom Foremski said: “Blogging is a communications mechanism handed to us by the long tail of the Internet.”
And I happen to like to communicate... just not very good at it live.