We have it on experience (our own and thousands of others) that the
following food and situations have no calories to speak of (although the
knowledgeable might describe them as unspeakable calories.)
OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no
calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.
INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a
tablespoon. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chip eaten while
making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make
chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.
FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is
not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently
bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the
feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process,
so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie
deficit.
CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is
calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning
with a spoonful of baby tapioca -- consumed for demonstration purposes -- up to
and including cookies baked and sent to college.
UNEVEN EDGES: Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices.
If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten
up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no
calories when eaten. If pie or cake is neatly cut, but the remainder is not
easily divisible into equal servings, it's also permissible to even things up
... without calorie consequence.
TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have
something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in
the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. Entire no-calorie dinners
are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.
FOOD THAT DOESN'T TASTE GOOD doesn't count. This is an enormous category
covering a diverse range including airline food, cafeteria meals, and dinner at
your sister-in-law's. Also dinners manufactured to be eaten in front of the TV.
ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For
example: chocolate kisses, maraschino cherries, cubes of cheese.
LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with
the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of
all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food on Foot"). Then
there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to
reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not
exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed.
CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials
and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories.
It's in the Bible.
CAKES WITH WRITING ON THEM: Primarily fat, starch and sugar, all cakes are
horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by
inscribing "Happy Birthday, Charlie" or "Good Luck, Alice" in colored icing. Not
only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.
FOOD ON TOOTHPICKS: Sausages, cocktail franks, cheese and the like are all
fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object
allows the calories to leak out the bottom.
LEFTOVERS: An extra pork chop, the crust of bread, half a Twinkie, anything
intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the
kitchen.
FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't
count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it,
you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.
CUSTOM MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten
regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and
insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrewarded. (See "Charitable
Foods.")
~Submitted Good Clean Fun Page by Randall Woodman~
(I just made a desperate search, online, and found it.)
