another Monday

Monday...

Last Monday, was one of those days when I just should have stayed in bed. Not because I was tired or anything, but simply for the sake of others.

I was in such a terrible mood, annoyed at everything and everyone, and it's so easy to find defects in everything from the fruit basket in the kitchen, to the boss at work.

And no, I couldn't blame it on "the time of month", which funny clowns at work suggested. They won’t do that again, as I gave them an excessively loud and lengthy discourse about gender discrimination, and modern feminism; Fully deserved! (Oh, yes! did that ranting off feel good!)

It's just that some days everything’s just wrong. You just know it before you uncoil from the sheets, and get up.

Mood, and state of mind, was close to depressed, my body felt exhausted, my hair looked like a haystack seriously neglected and I suspect I was wearing an uneven pair of socks. They were both white, but one reached a little farther up the leg. It's possible it happened during laundry, but I think I just slipped up when I sorted, paired and folded them.

Even the coffee on Statoil tasted wrong. The cup of coffee I refill at the gas station every morning, on my way to work, usually is pure elixir of life. Monday it was just like an acidic brew.

The only revigorating happening was that the car started.

My son's car didn't even though we started it on Sunday ... with cables, and with the neighbor (a mechanic) as delighted spectator. He thinks that my great fear of being electrocuted is hilarious! I am happy to amuse him, but I must say it felt somewhat humiliating when he pulled out his cell phone to film me putting one clamp on the battery and the other one on the chassis.

Anyway, I came to work in a terrible, lousy mood, and while I was at work waiting for internet to work, so I could get some reviewing done, unsuccessfully I may add, the notion came over me that there is a good chance the whole world is against me.

Sun made an appearance and showed off the winter dirty windows and lit up a sparkling ray of dust that hung in the room.

I daydreamed about a walk in the woods.

It was like nothing got done, so I figured that to cheer myself up, I should write a list of everything I have to be thankful for. Had I been in a good mood, the list would have been long and creative, now there was only one statement: Weekend is coming up soon! And this optimistic and motivational phrase I wrote down a Monday!

There are many reasons why days sometimes feel off and louse, and strictly speaking it is quite normal to have bad days. It doesn't have to be me there is something wrong with, sort of. Life is, after all, a rollercoaster of impressions and feelings, so things goes a little up and then a little down. You know, like it should. You can't taste the sweet if you don't know the sour or bitter.

It's just that... sometimes the lows are just overwhelming and feels neverending, the bad days come around more often and last longer. Eventually I somehow don't hold any big expectations that something good will happen.

Therefore, I have compiled some great tips online about what one can do when one is in a bad mood, to get in a better mood:

to socialize > meet friends

Excellent tip! If you have friends who are patient enough to bother try cheering you up at all hours. I have such friends! but I get so guilty knowing they are wasting a whole lot of time and energy thinking about me and my petty issues, I just crumble up inside.

So I spend the last two hours we are together apologizing I am such a bad friend. And then I feel even worse because the longer I listen to my own voice, the more excruciating I know my friends' night gets.

They're going to have a lot to talk about tomorrow ... and thinking about that doesn't make things better ... I know they will text each other, and others, with sighs and groans and the lamentable story of my puny person.

think through why you are in a bad mood / rectify the situation which causes a bad mood

If I knew why I'm in a bad mood, it wouldn't be a problem. Then I could have dismissed the whole thing as not important. In many ways I'm lucky to have my priorities in order. I know what's important in my life, and strictly speaking it's certainly not often important people in my life makes me crabby.

Things and situations, the yearning for a dream or memories I never got to experience; Those things can make me despondent and yes, straight out sulky.

training / go for a hike

Of course I know that you have to eat right and stay fit in order to be a healthy person. It's of crucial importance for state of mind and mood to get out and exercise; however, time is an issue here.

That said, I'll be honest. Last Saturday there was glorious weather. The sun was shining and the temperature outside was not pleasant, but quite nice. There was no wind and the whole atmosphere was like a touch of spring. Marvelous!

I did not go for a hike.

I could and should have gone for a ride on my bicycle with my son, I should have gone for a long walk with the dog, I missed the opportunity to post gorgeous pictures, like most of my facebook friends did.

But I didn't.

Instead I charged the scary, enormous pile of dirty clothes, towels and sheets with purposefully stifled; clothes were sorted, washed, tumbled, hung, folded and put in place, gradually, throughout the day and evening. I made a great Sunday dinner and cleaned the kitchen. I sat nestled in the new, yellow IKEA chair and read a book, and then it was suddenly evening and dark and the glorious day was over.

There was time to exercise, I had the opportunity too, but it was just that other stuff  was given priority. Chores that otherwise in a week is not done as systematically and thoroughly as I would like. I just needed to get rid of that  dark cloud of guilt which hovers over every day. Reading fiction I take almost no time for, even if it is pure mental hygiene.

At work, even if I depend on being present in the present with the students, my working day is so full of moments that go snowballed, that much of the time my mode is on autopilot.

There are always new classes, rooms and time. Here the classes have their own classroom, and teachers move between classes. I wish I had my own classroom.

Some days just flies by, with the help of nice and funny teenagers. Other days, like today, there is only negativity. Everything is "crap" and analysis of the short story is a true ... well, nothing good anyway.
It takes so much energy and effort to not be angry and mad at the wrong person.

It's not their fault that I'm not in a good mood, but their unwillingness to work in class on the tasks given does not exactly help my mood. Maybe it was me who ruined their day. I can never know, but no, it does not help to be officious today. It only adds reasons for my bad mood.

Listen to music

Later. On my way home I listen to the radiostation P4 and the show "King Of Pop" and laugh at the participant who fails the three artists. I will go shopping for groceries, and go home and make another 20-minute dinner while playing music full blast. Then I think I'll be happy again, maybe.

Music tends to help with anything that is not in order. The best therapy in the world is to lie on the floor while the music is pounding, and feel the rhythm, tones, words and mood wash over me.

cry 

I rarely cry. Most often it is when I see or hear something that moves me. It has almost never happened that I've cried because I have hurt or feel sorry for myself. Guess I have a good life. 

Oh, now I think about what a good life I have, and how difficult many others got it, and it makes me feel unreasonable for not being satisfied. You know, happy and satisfied because life has actually given me gifts like a good man, fine children, a good home, love, laughter, arranged finances ... everything just adds to the favorable feeling of having accomplished something.

Gratitude gives happiness and better handling of stress, they say.

comfort food

I belong to the club who believe that chocolate helps heal everything! Absolutely everything! But after eating lots of chocolate I feel so guilty that I put unrealistic plans on how to jog down the sidewalk with a happy dog ​​...

And then I remember that I do not exercise ... and then I think about how the scales never really has been my friend, and I turn both untrained and friendless with a guilty conscience ... inside my head, mind you, but that's where I feel the mood best, after all.

... And then days passed by, and every time I opened my blog to complete this post, I was totally disheartened and uninspired, for whom bear to just focus on the negative all the time?

To just see problems instead of challenges is not really me!
Actually, I'm the one who has realized and live by the rule: Wherever you are in life, thatit is the right place to start the continuation. It may be something better, different, new or something you put aside, and planned to pick up again later, sometime long ago.

Sometimes it just requires a little more planning, or willingness to implement even though you really do not have the energy. That's actually when you really need the satisfaction you feel afterwards, when you took that 40-minutes walk around the block.

Okay, so the sun shines out there today, and things got a little brighter (apart from my windows, I honestly am really disgusted by them!).

It's Sunday, and I'm thinking that Monday morning is quite OK, after all.

And now I'm humming as well. Guess internet was right: music did do the trick!

Letting myself down is tough.

I have become who I definitely would never be. It is so annoying. Not only have I turned out to be someone I dislike, I also failed to mould myself into a perfect triumph. You know, maybe not perfect, but perfect for.... well, me.

There was this plan, in my head I would be different from what I was forced by circumstances to be when I was young.

As an adult I would be bold, wild, vast and free, and because I had the choice to be all that, I would be happy with where I at all times were.

That is not at all how I turned out to be. Maybe I was before, maybe I'll be again, but right now I am just discontent and ungrateful. Oh, I felt my eyes twitching right now.

I sulk over whatever I find unpleasant in my life. I accept being a pathetic shadow of who I deep down believe I am.

In spite of knowing this I don't deal with my present, I ignore my hidden resources. I don't ignore and raise above the trifle hickups which serve as pebbles in my shoes. I don't face up to, or do anything constructive to make me capable to gather enough energy to turn my grumpyness around.

The sad part of it all is that to blame everything and everybody other than myself is like an instinct in me when I am frustrated. My best defence and excuse is to acquit myself.

Of course I know that at the end of the day my discontent is nobody else's fault but my own, but I don't like to recognize my own failures. Maybe I have too many, maybe I would be overwhelmed by my shortcomings, maybe I just happen to like living in a bubble of artificial selfconfidence: "It's not me, it's you!"

I would have to do some admissions and introspections to change my mood and point of view, which I'm not ready to do, yet.

Instead of admitting to I should show more engagement, initiative and interest, I wrap myself in self pity and rest my case in blaming uncontrolled circumstances.

That's really not who I am. I know what made me like this, and yet I avoid taking grip of my life.

Steve Harvey has repeatedly stated that to be successful you need to jump.

When you jump, you take a leap of faith, and place yourself into that insecure state of "the unknown".

It's been too long since I acted or placed myself out of my comfort zone. I used to be good at it when I was younger.

Now I have too many good reasons to stay where I am at.

I am aware of the fact that inside the comfort zone nothing happens; we deal with same old because we know what we have, but not what we might have.

The minute you do something out of normal, something extra ordinary will happen. Funny thing about extra ordinary: it's usually very good! Extra ordinary brings something new and by that also the possibility to adjust to a better situation. Yet, I (like most others) still try to avoid it.

I used to think that each their own forger of a good life. To be honest: I still believe that is true, but back then my strongest characteristic was to be creative.
My life was veiled in colours, sounds, actions and design. Hah, as induvidual and free I would like to call my past self, I was the typical, average creative person. Such an oxymoron, isn't it; to put creativity traits in a box.

Today, after pondering on my own discontent, I realized something important: I gave in a while back. Some time along the way I settled for good enough, rather than chasing my dreams. I suppressed a lot of my creativity blaming the stress mess I was caught in.

I am a quiet, calm person. It doesn't mean I'm not opinionated. I used to be a champ at achieving my goals.

By that I mean I thought I was chasing and achieving my goals.

What I was really doing was getting an education, a lot of it! I took so many degrees nobody will hire me now. I am too qualified, with tons of formal qualifications, tons and tons of prior learning experience, but no formal leader experience documented on paper. Still, I have the skills, habits and conduct of a leader.
I am too educated to be employed as a teacher in a new school now; I am too expencive. I am stuck where I work today. How pathetic is that?

The minute I got a family of my own, my goal was to create a happy and safe home for my family.
I went to the extremes and even planned what to do to maintain my kids' lifestyle and standard if my husband died. And I planned how my passing away will not affect their way of life too much.

Growing up I learned nobody must know. Some secrets you keep, so that others can have dignity and pride. If I was on top of things, I could prevent bad things to happen to others.

I did the expected thing and created a solid home for my family, while covering every possible outcome of disaster.

Now a lot of people are no longer part of, or even in, my life. In addition my young ones are more independent than they were. I have been a toddler's mom for 19 years. Getting used to I am not needed as much anymore, is hard to do.

A silent major change has taken place, and I didn't pay attention. Instead of becoming a freer person, I find myself in a position where I confuse opportunities lost with opportunities found.

The funny thing is: everybody else in my circle are really content. They really appreciate having the opportunity to choose freely what they want to make of themselves, and what to do.

So why am I stuck in the habit of limiting myself? Why do I feel my interests, wants and needs are not important enough to pursue?

My pondering made me realize that it's not reality which keeps me in a state of thinking how my actions will affect others in bad ways. There are no reasons why me changing focus should in any way give other people a hard time.

In my mind I create discussions on weather or not I should do something; if it is safe or not to change something because it would feel, look or perhaps work better. Often it's a matter of improving things, not repair them because they need fixing.

It's in many ways the same procedure I go through when it comes to throw something away; I deal with each item and detail as if it is of major importance, even though I deep down it isn't. The urge to keep, just in case I maybe need it some time in the future, is strong and inherited from my mother. (Yes, I blame her. She grew up during the war, and knows how to make use of what you have, and then recycle.) I know this, and yet it is so hard to ignore the voices telling me to keep it, keep it!

One of my all time wants, is to travel. I don't feel I get to travel and explore new places the way I want. Our family vacations tend to be a lot about amusement parks, water parks and beaches. Not my favourite cup of tea.
I would rather walk through an unknown village, discovering their ways and style. I would like to walk through a museum in my own pace and noone to call my name or tug my sleeve. I want to not eat at McDonald's. I want to sip to a glass of white wine, while watching people and reading a book.

By the time I have thought through my reasons why I should go for a long weekend by myself, and the importunate, more pressing reasons why I shouldn't, my kids have picked up on my intensions and tell me they want to go too, because there is a football match they really want to see live. And I feel awful about letting them down, leaving them or for some other reason start to doubt it is a good idea for me to go on a sole journey.

I know I think all this, and I know I am wrong. I am certain my family would really understand and condone my modest weekend of self fulfillment.

It's hard to be a loser. You get to the point when you expect to face another failure. I think maybe it's time I stop letting myself down.
Then, being a grumpy, old woman would be something I was in the past, and I would be the happy woman, in the best of ages, I truly am.