The Internet: My Oracle

The internet is a true blessing, and a very scary thing. Anything can be found there: you want proof the moon is in fact a cheese, you just go online and you find facts and videos to support your agenda.

When I have a lot to do, or perhaps a lot on my mind, I can spend hours procrastinating; surfing the net and entertain myself with an endless series of photos and videos of science experiments, babies and cats and horses... dogs even. Quotes, ads and sponsored suggestions are placed a strategical easy click away. More and more often I find pages too fancy and eventful; it takes forever to upload them. When I come across sites like that I find a hidden, strange kind of pleasure in avoiding them in the future. Yeah, that's the kind of brainless sports you can do online.

I have felt very poorly for quite a few months now, even more than usual, that is. I have blamed work, drama in my life and in my circles and a tight schedule. But somehow my general condition has not made any sense. There hasn't been any logic to my state of wretchedness which hovers over my everyday. I'm not sick or anything, I just feel, well, wretched. All the time!

Last night, in an attempt to ease my discomfort, I went outside and sat on my front door steps; It was freezing cold, for the first time this winter, and it felt lovely... for a second, untill I broke a sweat and feared I would freeze stuck on the landing.

I can't keep feeling like this, I know. I have known for quite some time, but after blaming life in general, last resort is to blame menopause. I still wish it is a few years away, but it could be happening right now: this may be the actual months I am turning old! Maybe I should celebrate? Mourne?

Anyway. I Googled menopause, but it didn't quite fit. There were a few symptoms I just don't recognize. I won't bore you with the details on that... not untill 15 years or so from now, anyway.

Then I came up with this brilliant idea to type in my symptoms and see what came out of it.

I sat there, in front of my laptop, with my fingers ready to type down any symptom I could come up with. I was thinking the more symptoms the more accurate hit.

Symptoms I added were:

• Strong cravings for sugar (especially right after meals, even though I am full; I just really want that last taste, and that has to be the taste of sweetness). 
• Uneasiness and restlessness in my body (shiverings, diffuse discomfort). 
• Headaches. 
• Giddiness. 
• Exaggerated breathing, almost like walking up a hill (sometimes it's even tough to complete a sentence without an extra breath of air, and singing is hard). 
• Palpitation (I can feel every beat, and some times even how my heart skip a beat). 
• Unable to consentrate. 
• Sleeplessness. 
• Spinelessness. 
• Sadness. 
• Irritability and touchiness 
• Confusion (probably because I can't find myself able to focus). 
• Weight issues. 

In all honesty I didn't use quite as many words. I kept it short and to the point. I wrote down every uncomfortable feeling I could come up with. What scared me, is that the internet came up with many hits, but only one suggestion to what it might be: Reactive Hypoglycemia.

I read all the articles and felt more and more sorry for myself. Words like "rare", "diet", "severe", "treatment" and a few other ones jumping out of the texts started to make sense to me, and I started feeling like a sick person.

And I felt lucky I had only a few of the symptoms, because I would have been devastated if I in addition had feelings and symptoms like anxiety, depression, wave of sobs, cramps, antisocial behaviour, constipation, hunger and thoughts about suicide.

I have felt like all of them, but one. I have never, ever considered or thought about suicide. Well, I have thought about it, just not thought about it as something which conserned me. We all knew someone who comitted suicide, I presume, and it is natural to make up ones mind about it.

Anyway, I have had moments when I, weak as a kitten, found myself curled up on the bathroom floor, calling for my kids to help me and get me a glass of water... just because I just couldn't get up from the floor, but I have always thought "it will pass", which it does because I have no other option, and after a few brief moments I am again able to pull myself together and get up and get going.

Those fits are really unpleasant; they resemble the fits of hypoglycemia I had as a teenager. Back in those days the doctor made housecalls, and I remember Dr. Natvik would come and give me shots in my arm, and tell me to slow down and get some sleep.

Back then my entire body felt like jelly, and I lost control and struggled like a car with a small engine on a steep uphill road. I would shiver and feel very cold, and then very hot and break a sweat the next second.

I don't like this one bit. Just a couple of months ago I had my cancer tests done. I haven't heard anything from the lab or my doctor, which is good. I would have been contacted if there was any sign of cancer. I know the drill, they did last time.

Now I have to go back to the doctor and tell her I think I might be sick or something, because I don't really feel well, and I am not quite sure I am old enough to crumble like this, just yet, for no particular reason at all.

And she will size me up and tell me to change my diet and lose weight and get in shape... again. And I will think to myself: I am in shape... which is round. And I will leave the doctor's office thinking it has nothing to do with the surgery I had 20 years ago removing my choleic system, it's not that I'm overweight or don't wind down enough.

I'll go home and log back on to my online wizard, the internet oracle, and find answers that are more to my liking... and of course: cures.

Ruled by my hands?

It's no secret I just love the tests which pop up on my facebook. It can be about anything from what kind of animal are you, which flower are you to what are your most distinct character features.
I don't really know why I like them, but they do kind of boost my curiosity on the outcome of my choices.
I try to answer as truthfully as possible, and even though I never post the results on facebook (now, that I find just as annoying as people's candy crush results), I do copy and share with one or two I believe know me a little.

Last night, while doing nothing, I took a test asking "What are you ruled by?" A few of my facebook friends posted cheerful comments on being ruled by their heart, or head, and when I took the test I was so hoping for being ruled by something more poetic, like my heart, which was the option that seemed the most noble to me.
Anyway, I conscientiously clicked off the options on all the ten questions, and clicked "complete".
I have to admit I was a tiny bit disappointed:

You are ruled by your: 

Hands: Ingenious and Creative 

You are a highly creative person, with profound imagination, and an appetite for original thinking. Naturally, your brain has a way of figuring out how the things you see in your head should come about into the real world. Wether it's visual or auditory, all creativity stems from nature and you get your inspiration from it to create something that is truly marvelous. To you, satisfaction comes from truly expressing and bringing to life that which is already alive inside you.

Seriously?  Ten options, and this is what I get? So I sent the result to a friend, and the response was: "yes, that sounds like you".

It would have been great to get a "gentle" or "kind and caring" in there somewhere, but I guess that's not really me then.

Thinking it through, though, I have to admit I am creative. My best hours are spent with a book, but in a really strong second place is doing crafts.
It can be anything from painting, papercrafts, sewing, knitting... anything to do with texture and colours. I just simply love it! 
Not only that, if I can come up with an idea to bring out the best in me and people around me it makes me happy.

Kind of folds nicely in with "my new project".

It is common in Norway that the senior year in junior high, the students get to go on a class trip. A year ago my son's class decided to go to Poland, to visit Auswitch, the salt mines and a few other sites.. and do some shopping.

For various reasons they failed to raise money for the trip, so now I have gotten involved. We do voluntairy work: washing the home nurses' cars, we sell boxes of cookies and candy, we sell a kind of local pancakes in a store on Saturdays, and now we are going to participate in the city's Christmas Market. A four days event, where people sell whatever product they have to sell.

We have a lot of nice things the parents, grandparents and the students have made, and I have high hopes to the income.
One of the parents told me that "We were very frustrated, but it is very hard to be negative when you guys are so excited!" 

Well, there are a few really energetic parents, who have chosen to get involved, all I did was to kick them started. They are creative, kind, engaged and really take their kids' adventures seriously. It is wonderful to work with people like that. I just created commotion, and gave them "permission" to start working towards a goal.
I have no executive powers given me, I just planted a word here and there.
Another thing they are greatful of is that I do not allow negativity to overshadow their efforts.
I also want thje students to feel ownership to the trip, so I expect of them to put in effort.
It wouldn't be too much to just cash in the tickets, but they wouldn't learn much from that, would they?

My goal is that the trip is to be fully financed by our voluntairy work; noone should have to stay at home because they can't afford the trip, or because they have parents who for various reasons don't care enough, or are unable to, make an effort. I am rather stubborn about it, and I believe it to come true. And that might be my strongest feature.